Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 9
[Fade up to a living room, decorated for the holidays. A woman is sitting on the couch in front of a table with Christmas presents on it. As she finishes wrapping a gift, a man, presumably her husband, walks in from another room.]
Husband: Honey, have you finished all the Christmas shopping?
Wife: Just about. But I don’t know what to get your brother’s kids. So I thought I’d give ’em a call. [reaches for a phone on the table]
Husband: [stopping her] Well hey! Don’t dial direct! Now you can save four percent! [sits down on the couch with his wife]…Simply dial [numbers appear toward the bottom of the screen as he says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22! Then 1, the area code, and the number you’re [numbers disappear] calling!
Wife: You mean all I have to do is dial [numbers appear as she says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22, and I’ll save four percent on [numbers disappear] long distance?
Husband: You sure will! That means for every one hundred dollars you spend on long distance calls, you [shows four one-dollar bills] get to keep four dollars for you. And it’s easy to remember [numbers appear all at once] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22 when you break it down. [numbers disappear]
Wife: How do you do that?
Husband: Well, [numbers appear] 10-10 is just the number ten, twice. And what happened in [number appears] 1776?
Wife: It’s the year our great nation declared its independence.
Husband: That’s right. Now, do you remember the Indian Removal Act?
Wife: Was that the bill that allowed the removal of thousands of Native Americans off their land and onto reservations?
Husband: That’s the one! Do you know what day Andrew Jackson signed it into law?
Wife: I think it was in May of 1830.
Husband: May 28th, to be exact.
Wife: So that’s where the [numbers appear] “5-28-1830” fits in!
Husband: Precisely. Then, February of ’42, Roosevelt authorized that Japanese-Americans be pulled from their homes, and placed in internment camps.
Wife: That’s the [number appears] “242”!
Husband: Now you’re getting it! And what was ex-Oakland Raiders quarterback Daryle Lamonica’s number?
Husband: No, you’re thinking of punter Ray Guy. He was number eight.
Wife: Oh yeah! Lamonica was [number appears] three!
Husband: Good. Now you’re back on track! And what happened on March 16th, 1968?
Wife: The My Lai Massacre, where over 40 innocent villagers were slaughtered! [numbers appear] 316-68!
Husband: Great! And finally, [number appears] 22…
Husband and Wife: The number of Moody Blues albums! [all numbers disappear]
Wife: When you put it that way, it’s easy to remember [numbers appear as she says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22!
Husband: So next time you want to make a long-distance call, just remember: [cut to the number 10 looking into a mirror; caption “10-10”] the number ten twice, [cut to a portrait of the Founding Fathers; caption “1776”] the origin of America, [cut to a split shot of black-and-white photos of Native Americans and Japanese-Americans; caption “5-28-1830-242”] the oppression of the Indians and Japanese-Americans, [cut to a Daryle Lamonica football card; caption “3”] Daryle Lamonica, [cut to a photo of the My Lai Massacre; caption “3-16-68”] the My Lai Massacre, [cut to several Moody Blues albums; caption “22”] the number of Moody Blues albums, and you’ll [cut back to the living room] be on your way to saving up to four percent on all your long-distance calls!
Wife: I only wish shopping for your family was as easy as dialing [numbers appear as she says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22!
Husband: I [numbers disappear] couldn’t agree more!
[wife laughs; husband scoops some egg nog for her, then scoops some for himself]
Announcer: Just dial [fade up “10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22/CALL TODAY AND SAVE” toward the middle of the screen] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22, and start saving up to four percent today!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson