Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 9
98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams
Cassidy
Cassidy….Alec Baldwin
Katie….Molly Shannon
Nurse Amy….Ana Gasteyer
Katie: Ok, and that is for you to keep, Zack.
Zack: Oh, thanks.
Katie: I hope your leg gets better real soon. Ok? Whoo, whoo, whoo. [honks a horn] See you later, Zack. Bye.
Nurse Amy: Katie?
Katie: Hi.
Nurse Amy: We’ve got one more little girl that would like to see you. Her name is Cassidy.
Katie: Great. I would love to meet Cassidy.
Nurse Amy: Ok, great. You should know though that Cassidy is a very unusual glandular condition. It makes her look a lot older than she is.
Katie: Well, how old is she?
Nurse Amy: Well, she’s 6. But because of her condition she looks a little unusual.
Katie: Listen, I’ve worked with a lot of kids and kids are just kids. So, no problem.
Nurse Amy: Ok, great.
[Katie and Nurse Amy walk into Cassidy’s room]Nurse Amy: Hi Cassidy. How are you feeling?
[Cassidy is sitting on his bed covered in satin sheets. Also Cassidy wears a silk robe and is an attractive middle age man]Cassidy: I feel pretty good.
Nurse Amy: Cassidy, this is Katie the clown. Would you like to play with her for a few minutes?
Cassidy: [seductively] Oh, please. Can I?
Nurse Amy: I’ll leave you two alone.
Katie: Ok, wait a minute. Uh, this is the little girl? This is Cassidy?
Nurse Amy: Yes.
Cassidy: I’m Cassidy. I’m this many. [holds up 6 fingers]
Katie: Oh, that’s a really nice bed.
Nurse Amy: Cassidy’s skin is very sensitive. We found that she could only sleep on black satin sheets.
Katie: Ok, ok.
Nurse Amy: I’ll see you in a few minutes, Cassidy.
Cassidy: I love you Nurse Amy.
[Nurse Amy leaves]Katie: Whoo, ok. Hi, Cassidy. My name is “Clown Katie” and I like to visit sick boys and sick girls at the hospital to make them feel better.
Cassidy: [with lust] I think you’re pretty.
Katie: Oh, well, thank you, thank you very much. [embarrassed] That’s very nice of you. Cassidy, why don’t you tell me what your favorite animal is?
Cassidy: Well, I like kittens because they’re soft. [lustful look]
Katie: Well, guess what? I am going to make you a ballon kitty. Ok, oh, whoa. [Katie starts shaping the balloon but only rubs it like a sausage while looking at Cassidy]
Cassidy: God, I feel so hot. [opens his silk pajamas exposing his hairy chest] I feel so hot, I feel so hot, oh.
Katie: [caving in to the lust] What?
Cassidy: Oh, I feel really, really hot.
Katie: Maybe you have a fever. [touches Cassidy’s forehead] Oh, God. I’ll just…I’ll just…call the nurse and maybe….Oh, my God!
[Katie kisses Cassidy in the mouth. Feverish passion, climbs on top and she dry humps Cassidy, moans of pleasure while they go at it on the hospital bed] [Nurse Amy enters]Nurse Amy: Oh, my God! What are you doing, Miss Benjamin??!! That is a 6 year old girl!!
[Katie climbs off of Cassidy]Katie: I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s not what it looks like.
Nurse Amy: Cassidy, are you ok?
Cassidy: I’m fine.
Nurse Amy: I ought to have you banned from this hospital for life!
Over loudspeaker: Code Blue! Room 281. Code Blue! Room 281.
Nurse Amy: Damn it. I want you out of this room when I get back. [leaves]
Katie: [embarrassed] I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cassidy. [turns to leave]
Cassidy: Hey, don’t leave.
Katie: No, I, I have to leave. I’ve made a very, very bad mistake.
Cassidy: [sad] People say I’m a freak.
Katie: Oh, no Cassidy. Cassidy, no. [sits next to Cassidy] You are not a freak.
Cassidy: Will you paint a butterfly on my face? Please, before you go?
Katie: Oh, ok.
Cassidy: Will you sit up on the bed with me?
Katie: [tempted] I can’t Cassidy. It’s very inappropriate.
[Cassidy sobs]Katie: Oh. [sits next to Cassidy]
Cassidy: I miss my mommy.
Katie: Oh, Cassidy. No, don’t you cry. You’ll be able to see your mommy very, very soon. Ok? Ok? [getting horny as hell] Oh, God! Look at you! [kisses Cassidy passionately, humping resumes again] [Nurse Amy enters again]
Nurse Amy: Miss Benjamin! Miss Benjamin! Get off of her! She is a six year old girl!
[Katie gets off of Cassidy]Katie: Sorry, sorry. God, why? Cassidy, you’re the first person that’s made me feel attractive since my divorce. That’s made me feel sexy. Why are you a little girl? Why?
Nurse Amy: Get out!
Katie: Why?!
[Nurse Amy pushes Katie out of the room]Nurse Amy: Are you all right, Cassidy?
Cassidy: I think so…Nurse Amy. [horny looks] [Nurse Amy climbs on top of Cassidy and kisses him passionately, dry humps too, moaning]
Narrator: Katie Benjamin was banned from the hospital for life. And she never again volunteered as a children’s clown. But what Katie never knew was that 2 weeks later, after an extremely simple and long overdue physical examination Cassidy was proven to be a 42 year old man. Ain’t love a kick in the pants?
[cheers and applause] [fade]Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
