SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/12/98: Cassidy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 9

98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams


Cassidy….Alec Baldwin
Katie….Molly Shannon
Nurse Amy….Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with a shot of University Hospital. Cut to a hallway in which Katie dressed as a clown gives a kid in a wheelchair a balloon animal]

Katie: Ok, and that is for you to keep, Zack.

Zack: Oh, thanks.

Katie: I hope your leg gets better real soon. Ok? Whoo, whoo, whoo. [honks a horn] See you later, Zack. Bye.

[Zack leaves]

Nurse Amy: Katie?

Katie: Hi.

Nurse Amy: We’ve got one more little girl that would like to see you. Her name is Cassidy.

Katie: Great. I would love to meet Cassidy.

Nurse Amy: Ok, great. You should know though that Cassidy is a very unusual glandular condition. It makes her look a lot older than she is.

Katie: Well, how old is she?

Nurse Amy: Well, she’s 6. But because of her condition she looks a little unusual.

Katie: Listen, I’ve worked with a lot of kids and kids are just kids. So, no problem.

Nurse Amy: Ok, great.

[Katie and Nurse Amy walk into Cassidy’s room]

Nurse Amy: Hi Cassidy. How are you feeling?

[Cassidy is sitting on his bed covered in satin sheets. Also Cassidy wears a silk robe and is an attractive middle age man]

Cassidy: I feel pretty good.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy, this is Katie the clown. Would you like to play with her for a few minutes?

Cassidy: [seductively] Oh, please. Can I?

Nurse Amy: I’ll leave you two alone.

Katie: Ok, wait a minute. Uh, this is the little girl? This is Cassidy?

Nurse Amy: Yes.

Cassidy: I’m Cassidy. I’m this many. [holds up 6 fingers]

Katie: Oh, that’s a really nice bed.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy’s skin is very sensitive. We found that she could only sleep on black satin sheets.

Katie: Ok, ok.

Nurse Amy: I’ll see you in a few minutes, Cassidy.

Cassidy: I love you Nurse Amy.

[Nurse Amy leaves]

Katie: Whoo, ok. Hi, Cassidy. My name is “Clown Katie” and I like to visit sick boys and sick girls at the hospital to make them feel better.

Cassidy: [with lust] I think you’re pretty.

Katie: Oh, well, thank you, thank you very much. [embarrassed] That’s very nice of you. Cassidy, why don’t you tell me what your favorite animal is?

Cassidy: Well, I like kittens because they’re soft. [lustful look]

Katie: Well, guess what? I am going to make you a ballon kitty. Ok, oh, whoa. [Katie starts shaping the balloon but only rubs it like a sausage while looking at Cassidy]

Cassidy: God, I feel so hot. [opens his silk pajamas exposing his hairy chest] I feel so hot, I feel so hot, oh.

Katie: [caving in to the lust] What?

Cassidy: Oh, I feel really, really hot.

Katie: Maybe you have a fever. [touches Cassidy’s forehead] Oh, God. I’ll just…I’ll just…call the nurse and maybe….Oh, my God!

[Katie kisses Cassidy in the mouth. Feverish passion, climbs on top and she dry humps Cassidy, moans of pleasure while they go at it on the hospital bed] [Nurse Amy enters]

Nurse Amy: Oh, my God! What are you doing, Miss Benjamin??!! That is a 6 year old girl!!

[Katie climbs off of Cassidy]

Katie: I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s not what it looks like.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy, are you ok?

Cassidy: I’m fine.

Nurse Amy: I ought to have you banned from this hospital for life!

Over loudspeaker: Code Blue! Room 281. Code Blue! Room 281.

Nurse Amy: Damn it. I want you out of this room when I get back. [leaves]

Katie: [embarrassed] I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cassidy. [turns to leave]

Cassidy: Hey, don’t leave.

Katie: No, I, I have to leave. I’ve made a very, very bad mistake.

Cassidy: [sad] People say I’m a freak.

Katie: Oh, no Cassidy. Cassidy, no. [sits next to Cassidy] You are not a freak.

Cassidy: Will you paint a butterfly on my face? Please, before you go?

Katie: Oh, ok.

Cassidy: Will you sit up on the bed with me?

Katie: [tempted] I can’t Cassidy. It’s very inappropriate.

[Cassidy sobs]

Katie: Oh. [sits next to Cassidy]

Cassidy: I miss my mommy.

Katie: Oh, Cassidy. No, don’t you cry. You’ll be able to see your mommy very, very soon. Ok? Ok? [getting horny as hell] Oh, God! Look at you! [kisses Cassidy passionately, humping resumes again] [Nurse Amy enters again]

Nurse Amy: Miss Benjamin! Miss Benjamin! Get off of her! She is a six year old girl!

[Katie gets off of Cassidy]

Katie: Sorry, sorry. God, why? Cassidy, you’re the first person that’s made me feel attractive since my divorce. That’s made me feel sexy. Why are you a little girl? Why?

Nurse Amy: Get out!

Katie: Why?!

[Nurse Amy pushes Katie out of the room]

Nurse Amy: Are you all right, Cassidy?

Cassidy: I think so…Nurse Amy. [horny looks] [Nurse Amy climbs on top of Cassidy and kisses him passionately, dry humps too, moaning]

Narrator: Katie Benjamin was banned from the hospital for life. And she never again volunteered as a children’s clown. But what Katie never knew was that 2 weeks later, after an extremely simple and long overdue physical examination Cassidy was proven to be a 42 year old man. Ain’t love a kick in the pants?

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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