SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/12/98: Cassidy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 9

98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams


Cassidy….Alec Baldwin
Katie….Molly Shannon
Nurse Amy….Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with a shot of University Hospital. Cut to a hallway in which Katie dressed as a clown gives a kid in a wheelchair a balloon animal]

Katie: Ok, and that is for you to keep, Zack.

Zack: Oh, thanks.

Katie: I hope your leg gets better real soon. Ok? Whoo, whoo, whoo. [honks a horn] See you later, Zack. Bye.

[Zack leaves]

Nurse Amy: Katie?

Katie: Hi.

Nurse Amy: We’ve got one more little girl that would like to see you. Her name is Cassidy.

Katie: Great. I would love to meet Cassidy.

Nurse Amy: Ok, great. You should know though that Cassidy is a very unusual glandular condition. It makes her look a lot older than she is.

Katie: Well, how old is she?

Nurse Amy: Well, she’s 6. But because of her condition she looks a little unusual.

Katie: Listen, I’ve worked with a lot of kids and kids are just kids. So, no problem.

Nurse Amy: Ok, great.

[Katie and Nurse Amy walk into Cassidy’s room]

Nurse Amy: Hi Cassidy. How are you feeling?

[Cassidy is sitting on his bed covered in satin sheets. Also Cassidy wears a silk robe and is an attractive middle age man]

Cassidy: I feel pretty good.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy, this is Katie the clown. Would you like to play with her for a few minutes?

Cassidy: [seductively] Oh, please. Can I?

Nurse Amy: I’ll leave you two alone.

Katie: Ok, wait a minute. Uh, this is the little girl? This is Cassidy?

Nurse Amy: Yes.

Cassidy: I’m Cassidy. I’m this many. [holds up 6 fingers]

Katie: Oh, that’s a really nice bed.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy’s skin is very sensitive. We found that she could only sleep on black satin sheets.

Katie: Ok, ok.

Nurse Amy: I’ll see you in a few minutes, Cassidy.

Cassidy: I love you Nurse Amy.

[Nurse Amy leaves]

Katie: Whoo, ok. Hi, Cassidy. My name is “Clown Katie” and I like to visit sick boys and sick girls at the hospital to make them feel better.

Cassidy: [with lust] I think you’re pretty.

Katie: Oh, well, thank you, thank you very much. [embarrassed] That’s very nice of you. Cassidy, why don’t you tell me what your favorite animal is?

Cassidy: Well, I like kittens because they’re soft. [lustful look]

Katie: Well, guess what? I am going to make you a ballon kitty. Ok, oh, whoa. [Katie starts shaping the balloon but only rubs it like a sausage while looking at Cassidy]

Cassidy: God, I feel so hot. [opens his silk pajamas exposing his hairy chest] I feel so hot, I feel so hot, oh.

Katie: [caving in to the lust] What?

Cassidy: Oh, I feel really, really hot.

Katie: Maybe you have a fever. [touches Cassidy’s forehead] Oh, God. I’ll just…I’ll just…call the nurse and maybe….Oh, my God!

[Katie kisses Cassidy in the mouth. Feverish passion, climbs on top and she dry humps Cassidy, moans of pleasure while they go at it on the hospital bed] [Nurse Amy enters]

Nurse Amy: Oh, my God! What are you doing, Miss Benjamin??!! That is a 6 year old girl!!

[Katie climbs off of Cassidy]

Katie: I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s not what it looks like.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy, are you ok?

Cassidy: I’m fine.

Nurse Amy: I ought to have you banned from this hospital for life!

Over loudspeaker: Code Blue! Room 281. Code Blue! Room 281.

Nurse Amy: Damn it. I want you out of this room when I get back. [leaves]

Katie: [embarrassed] I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cassidy. [turns to leave]

Cassidy: Hey, don’t leave.

Katie: No, I, I have to leave. I’ve made a very, very bad mistake.

Cassidy: [sad] People say I’m a freak.

Katie: Oh, no Cassidy. Cassidy, no. [sits next to Cassidy] You are not a freak.

Cassidy: Will you paint a butterfly on my face? Please, before you go?

Katie: Oh, ok.

Cassidy: Will you sit up on the bed with me?

Katie: [tempted] I can’t Cassidy. It’s very inappropriate.

[Cassidy sobs]

Katie: Oh. [sits next to Cassidy]

Cassidy: I miss my mommy.

Katie: Oh, Cassidy. No, don’t you cry. You’ll be able to see your mommy very, very soon. Ok? Ok? [getting horny as hell] Oh, God! Look at you! [kisses Cassidy passionately, humping resumes again] [Nurse Amy enters again]

Nurse Amy: Miss Benjamin! Miss Benjamin! Get off of her! She is a six year old girl!

[Katie gets off of Cassidy]

Katie: Sorry, sorry. God, why? Cassidy, you’re the first person that’s made me feel attractive since my divorce. That’s made me feel sexy. Why are you a little girl? Why?

Nurse Amy: Get out!

Katie: Why?!

[Nurse Amy pushes Katie out of the room]

Nurse Amy: Are you all right, Cassidy?

Cassidy: I think so…Nurse Amy. [horny looks] [Nurse Amy climbs on top of Cassidy and kisses him passionately, dry humps too, moaning]

Narrator: Katie Benjamin was banned from the hospital for life. And she never again volunteered as a children’s clown. But what Katie never knew was that 2 weeks later, after an extremely simple and long overdue physical examination Cassidy was proven to be a 42 year old man. Ain’t love a kick in the pants?

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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