Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 9
The Delicious Dish
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, it’s Christmas season again, our favorite time of the year.
Teri Rialto: Actually, Margaret Jo, holiday time is when the most culinary wishes can come true. Now, what’s on your list this holiday season, Margaret Jo?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri, I got real freaky this year. I’m asking Kris Kringle for a wooden bowl, some oversized index cards, and a funnel.
Teri Rialto: Ooooh, a funnel! That’ll be great for funneling!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know. I feel like a glutton! What’s onyour list, Teri?
Teri Rialto: Well, I’m only asking Santa for one thing – a big box of glue traps to help me with my excessive rat problem? Are you, Margaret Jo, gonna leave any treats out for Santa this year?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Oh, absolutely, I always do! I like to leave Santa some tap water and rice. If Santa’s anything like me, Christmas foods really reek havoc on the ol’ digestive system. What are you going to leave, Teri?
Teri Rialto: Uh, I can’t ever leave food out in my apartment, because I have an excessive rat problem.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Makes sense. Neat.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Good times.
Teri Rialto: Well, Christmas is a time for traditional foods and bite-size treats, and we have a very special guest today.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That’s right, Teri. He’s the owner of his own holiday bakery, with a very, very cleaver name – Season’s Eatings.
Teri Rialto: [ laughs ] That’s relaly funny!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know, it rhymes with Season’s Greetings!
Teri Rialto: Please welcome the owner of Season’s Eatings – Pete Schweddy.[ Pete pulls up to his mike ]
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well, Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, ’cause we know you’re the master of all kinds of Christmas goodies. Tell us about them.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year – Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season’s Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth’s watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It’s been years since I’ve seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.[ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ]
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls..
Margeret Jo McCullen: They’re bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri – the way they glisten.
Pete Schweddy: That’s because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.
Margeret Jo McCullen: I can’t help but, notice, Pete – your Balls are a little misshapen.
Pete Schweddy: That’s because I rested them on a hot stove too long.
Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they’re very delicate.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can’t wait to get my mouth around his Balls.
Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell..
Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.
Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say – your Balls are so tender..
Pete Schweddy: Well, there’s no beating my Balls. They’re made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.
Teri Rialto: Good Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.. Mmm.. our producer is telling us it’s time to wrap it up.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That’s all the time we have today, Teri. So, join us next week, when our topic will be that other holiday favorite..
Margaret Jo & Teri – ..Fragrant, Flavored Nuts.
Pete Schweddy: A quick plug! If you order from Season’s Eatings now, you can still send out a special Schweddy Ball Sack in time.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Great idea. My niece would love a Sack of Schweddy Balls…[ fade out ]