SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/12/98: Morning Latte



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 9


98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams

Morning Latte

Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Nate…..Alec Baldwin

[ Music starts ]

Announcer: Good Morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte!”

[ end music, center on Tom and Cass, who both laugh to start the show ]

Tom Wilkins: Good morning!

Cass Van Rye: Whooo!

Tom Wilkins: Welcome to Morning Latte!

Cass Van Rye: Whoo!

Tom Wilkins: I’m Tom Wilkins!

Cass Van Rye: Oh! And I’m Cass Van Rye!

Tom Wilkins: Happy holidays!

Cass Van Rye: Happy holidays! Whoo! Hey! How about this warm weather we’ve been having?

Tom Wilkins: Oh! All over the country!

Cass Van Rye: Beautiful!

Tom Wilkins: I love it!

Cass Van Rye: Me too!

Tom Wilkins: What about you, Nate? How about that warm weather?

Cass Van Rye: Nate!

Nate: Well, sadly, guys the weather may be due to a global warming trend.

Tom Wilkins: What? What was that?

Cass Van Rye: Nate, our newest producer, Nate Matthews, everyone.

Tom Wilkins: What was that, Nate?

Nate: Global Warming. The deadly hole in the ozone layer. Creating dangerously high carbon dioxide levels.

[ show Cass and Tom, who seem confused. They pause ]

Cass Van Rye: Well, then, halleluah global warming ’cause it’s gorgeous!

Tom Wilkins: Beautiful! You said it!

Cass Van Rye: It is gorgeous!

Tom Wilkins: You said it! Hey how about Nate’s tree trimming party over the weekend?

Cass Van Rye: Oh! What fun!

Nate: Yeah, it was fun. Actually, I’m surprised you two made it because I told my assistant not to send you invitations.

[ Tom and Cass both laugh hysterically ]

Cass Van Rye: You know what’s funny, Nate? I really didn’t get one.

Tom Wilkins: Oh? No? You didn’t?

Cass Van Rye: It must’ve been a mistake.

Tom Wilkins: Well, anyway, the party was a blast. Oh, Oh, except for the tree fiasco right Nate?

Cass Van Rye: Uh oh! Uh oh! [ laughs ]

Nate: Yeah, I could’ve done without that.

Tom Wilkins: First of all, Cass runs up to me, and my wife Gail, in hysterics screaming, “The tree’s on fire! The tree’s on fire!”

Cass Van Rye: Well, thank God I got everyone out of the house before the fire department came. Well, here, it turns out, that the tree wasn’t on fire, it was just a couple of dirty trailer-park people smoking a marijuana cigarette in the bedroom.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass Van Rye: Yeah, can you believe that? Nate, did you ever find out who the lowlives were?

Nate: Uh yes, my brother and his wife.

Tom Wilkins: Ok.

Cass Van Rye: Well, it was a beautiful tree. It was a beautiful tree, wasn’t it?

Tom Wilkins: Yes, it was.

Cass Van Rye: It was, and I’m Jewish.

Tom Wilkins: You are Jewish, yes.

Cass Van Rye: I mean I just plug in a menorah because I’m Jewish.

Tom Wilkins: Yes!

Cass Van Rye: ‘Cause Jewish people do that.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, we know that.

Cass Van Rye: They just plug in a menorah.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, you already said that.

Cass Van Rye: Just light it up.

Tom Wilkins: Yes we know that, ok you already said that. Now speaking of beauty, let’s talk about that beautiful new wife of yours, so young, Nate.

Cass Van Rye: Yes, she’s a stunner!

Tom Wilkins: Oh!

Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate, this is your second marriage. Not your first, your second?

Nate: Second, yes. Hey! Guys! What about today’s show, we’ve got “Grizzly Adams” himself, Dan Hagerty.

[ Tom pauses and thinks ]

Tom Wilkins: You’re right, it’s his second marriage.

Cass Van Rye: Yes!

Tom Wilkins: Because Gail, Gail and I are friends with his first wife of eighteen years, Mary Pat.

Cass Van Rye: Well maybe they would’ve stayed together longer if her name was “Mary Jane” [ Cass and Tom start laughing ]

Tom Wilkins: Maybe.

Cass Van Rye: Probably, right? Hey, by the way, how is Mary Pat since the divorce, do you know?

Tom Wilkins: Not good, not good. But Nate’s doin’ good, huh Nate?

Cass Van Rye: Yeah Nate! Huh!? He’s on a roll!

Tom Wilkins: He’s on a roll.

Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate, how old is the new wife? Nineteen? Twenty?

Nate: She’ll be twenty-one in January.

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Now this is romantic. They met where she works, at the Banana Republic.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Ooh!

Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate she is the um, assistant manager, right?

Nate: Uh, no.

Cass Van Rye: Oh, just a salesgirl.

Tom Wilkins: That’s ok!

Cass Van Rye: That’s ok!

Tom Wilkins: That’s ok!

Cass Van Rye: That’s ok!

Tom Wilkins: That’s ok!

Cass Van Rye: Sure! That’s ok! Hey! At least she’s not smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Tom Wilkins: Absolutely, Cass, absolutely. Marijuana of course, the nation’s number one killer next to diabetes and arthritis. Those are the top two.

Nate: [ annoyed ] Actually, heart disease is the number one killer. I know because it runs in my family.

Tom Wilkins: Is that why the whole family smokes marijuana?

Cass Van Rye: You know, I think it’s a cure. Is that right, Nate? Is it a cure?

Nate: My whole family does not smoke marijuana and no, its not a cure. [ softly ] You stupid ass.

Tom Wilkins: What’s that, Nate?

Nate: I said, since you asked.

Tom Wilkins: Oh!

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Ok!

Tom Wilkins: Well Nate, I respect your family’s medical troubles, but I still say diabetes is number one.

Cass Van Rye: Me too.

Tom Wilkins: And of course, diabetes is..

Cass Van Rye: When you see double.

Tom Wilkins: No, no. It’s when your blood sugar runs too high.

Cass Van Rye: High blood. It’s high.

Tom Wilkins: High blood. Right, Nate? Right?

[ Nate appears annoyed and gives no answer ]

Tom Wilkins: Now, Cass, you recently had troubles in your marriage, right?

Cass Van Rye: Yes, yes. Well, because of Nate’s shenanigans, I asked my husband, Eli, if he would ever cheat on me with a younger woman.

Tom Wilkins: Or, or a fertile woman. Because – footnote – you can’t have kids.

Cass Van Rye: No, that’s right, I cannot conceive. Well surprisingly, my husband said that he already did cheat on me.

Tom Wilkins: Oh! Oh!

Cass Van Rye: I forgot! I forgot!

Tom Wilkins: He did!

Cass Van Rye: He did!

Tom Wilkins: He did. So how did you resolve it, ’cause he took a major crap on you.

Nate: I’d take a crap on her, too.

Tom Wilkins: What? What was that, Nate?

Cass Van Rye: What’s that Nate? Newly-married Nate.

Nate: Uh, I said Grizzly Adams is here.

Tom Wilkins: Great.

Cass Van Rye: Ok. Well I’ll tell you something. [ pulls out letter ] This helped right here.

Tom Wilkins: Oh. Yeah.

Cass Van Rye: This letter he wrote to me. It, it’s beautiful and I’d like to share it with you. [ begins to cry ] I love this guy. I’ll try not to cry. [ begins reading ] “Dearest Cass. The word ‘sorry’ cannot possibly describe my remorse for getting caught.”

Tom Wilkins: Nice.

Cass Van Rye: [ continues reading ] Please know it was only you in my thoughts each and every time I was on top of her. [ stops reading, folds the letter back up ] Ok? Try not taking him back, huh?

Tom Wilkins: I’d like to write that down.

Cass Van Rye: Try not taking him back.

Tom Wilkins: Can I write that down?

Cass Van Rye: Yes, he’s a keeper.

Tom Wilkins: I’d like to write that down.

Cass Van Rye: He’s a keeper.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass Van Rye: And! Plus! Here’s the cherry on top: He gave me a Zale’s diamond tennis bracelet!

Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Class Act! Class Act!

Cass Van Rye: Class Act!

Tom Wilkins: He’s a keeper! Hey! Speaking of class acts, we have Dan Hagerty! Ooh what an actor!

Cass Van Rye: Actor/singer! Hello! I’m holding his brand new Christmas CD entitled “Santa Bear”.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh! That’s nice!

Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams sings.

Tom Wilkins: Nice, I’m excited! [ Nate comes behind Tom and Cass and gives them gifts ] Hey, Nate, now what is this?

Cass Van Rye: Nate! Now what is this?

Tom Wilkins: Nate Matthews, everyone!

Cass Van Rye: Nate Matthews! What is this?

Nate: This is a gift my new wife and I baked for you both, happy holidays! Enjoy!

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Hey! Nate isn’t she a little young to be near the stove? [ laughs ] I’m needlin’ ya! I’m needlin’ ya!

Nate: [ laughs ] I know, you’re a friggin’ riot, you’re a friggin’ riot.

Tom Wilkins: She should do stand-up. Give her a mike.

Cass Van Rye: People have said it. People have said that.

[ both open their gifts, which turn out to be gingerbread cookies shaped like boots ]

Tom Wilkins: Gingerbread cookies?

Cass Van Rye: Well! In the shape of a foot!? What’s this?

Nate: Yeah, one’s mine and one’s my wife’s, we figured if you didn’t like gingerbread you could shove em’ up your ASS!

[ everyone gets quiet, as Cass and Tom are shocked ]

Nate: Hey, just kidding! Merry Christmas!

[ Cass and Tom both laugh hysterically ]

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Nate! You had us going!

Tom Wilkins: We’ll be right back.

Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams is here.

Tom Wilkins: Dan Hagerty.

Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams!

Tom Wilkins: Ooh!

[ music begins, fade to black ]

Submitted by: Blake Benham

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of