Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 9
Weekend update with Colin Quinn
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Thank you. Thank you, folks!
This is a historic day in Washington, as the House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach the President of the United States. Let me give you an idea of how bad things look for President Clinton right now. Earlier today, Elton John began rewriting “Candle in the Wind” for him…All right?
So they’re getting close to their actual impeachment. All right? Impeaching him for this. This is the biggest overreaction since Joe Pesci shot Spider in Goodfellas….The most excessive penalty since Jean Valjean got 20 years for a loaf of bread….Even the Rosenbergs are going, “Boy, this is severe! It’s a little heavy!”…Come on, a little history humor. All right.
Did you see the apology yesterday? President Clinton has now said if the House agrees on censure and not impeachment, he would not pardon himself, nor would he accept a presidential pardon after he leaves office. That sounds pretty good….Unless, of course, he’s lying!
They keep saying “our president, William Jefferson Clinton” now, have you noticed that? That’s when you know you’re really in trouble. When they use your full name. It’s like your mother, you know? “William Jefferson Clinton, you get in here right now! Did you abuse power? Don’t you mislead me!”
The Democrats have broken out all their tricks, too. First, Wednesday they brought out all the Watergate witnesses: Liz Holtzman, Wayne Owens, and Father Robert Dryden, a priest. A man who’s pledged himself to a life of celibacy testifying in the Clinton hearing. All right? But they brought him out because you can’t really interrogate a priest and look good. “Honey, I saw Henry Hyde on TV today, he was yelling at a priest!”…You know? That was me imitating, like, the…yeah.
Anyway, the…then the Republicans started asking people, “Well, that’s not what you said in 1974.” That’s not fair! You have to be allowed to take back some of the things you said in 1974. I’ve had to take back everything I’ve said in 1974. If I had to live up to everything I said in ’74, I would be impeached on my comments about Seals & Crofts alone!
At these hearings, also, they have all these slow-talking Southerners, and then Charles Schumer comes out like Richard Lewis. Like, [imitating Richard Lewis] “This is insane, it’s Kafka-esque,” you know?…Right? Got Jerome Nadler and Barney Frank, it’s like a friar’s roast, you know? They’re like, “President Clinton took out his schmeckel…”…”I kid the President Clinton!” “You schmuck!” “You Schmedrick!”
Meanwhile…meanwhile, Clinton– [applause and cheers] Ah, thanks, folks! Ah, ha ha…uh!…Meanwhile, Clinton is over in the Middle East right now, walking around the Gaza Strip in a T-shirt that says, “Go ahead, make my day.” He doesn’t care! Let’s go do the news![dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn![dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. [sniffs]
During President Clinton’s apology yesterday, he quoted Benjamin Franklin. Strom Thurmond then commented, “I knew Ben Franklin, and you, sir, are no Ben Fra– on second thought, you’re a lot like Ben Franklin!”…He was a player, himself, like they used to say in the 1700s.
Democratic Counsel Abby Lowell used videotape to enhance his impassioned and dramatic case against impeachment on the floor of the House Thursday. The rest of the House sat mesmerized. Not because of the speech; they were just amazed that there was somebody young enough to know how to work a VCR.
Yesterday, Bob Dole announced that he has signed a deal to be a spokesperson for Viagra….All right? We here at “Update” have an advanced, exclusive look at the ad. [photo of Bob Dole with “before” caption, then photo of Bill Clinton with “after” caption; applause]
According to The New York Times, Iran is recruiting former Soviet Union germ warfare scientists to work in Tehran. Iran is especially looking for friendly, self-starter anthrax makers during the holiday season.
Former lieutenant colonel Hugo Chavez was elected president of Venezuela this week. Chavez has called for a new constitution and the dissolving of Congress. Earlier today, President Clinton was quoted as saying, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Director John Singleton is working on a remake of the classic blaxploitation movie Shaft and is currently looking to cast the title character. The movie’s producers are searching for someone who would fit the description. [deeper voice] “Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Vernon Jordan. Can you dig it?”
Switzerland elected its first female president this week. The country says it will still keep its policy of remaining neutral and not getting into conflicts, but they just want to say one more thing.
An article in this week’s Newsweek reports that Chase National Bank, the precursor to Chase Manhattan, aided the Nazis in World War II. The discovery was made when bank officials came across an old cancelled check made out to Hitler with “congratulations on the invasion of Poland” written in the memo section….Ahh, come on, folks. That’s kinda cute….All right, fine.
This week, North Korea’s military leaders accused the United States of looking for an excuse to fight another war in the divided Korean Peninsula. Yeah, like we really want to fight another Korean War, it was so profitable the first time! You know, North Korea’s acting like the ugly, drunk girl at the corner of the bar, sitting under the TV. She’s like, [drunk] “Why are you lookin’ at me, Colin?” “Shut up, I’m watchin’ the Rangers game!” [some applause]
Next week, a fan will auction off Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball, estimated to get over one million dollars. Sammy Sosa will auction off his 61st home run ball to raise money for v – hurricane victims in the Dominican Republic, and Lawrence Taylor will auction off his Super Bowl ring to raise money for another eight ball. [some applause, then some groans]…One person says, “Ooo,” and everybody has to go, “Ohhh!” These people don’t care about Lawrence Taylor, come on! All right?
An appeals court denied O.J. Simpson’s bid to stop a new custody trial involving his children. O.J. was angered by the decision and said the court system in this country is a joke. [applause]…Ooh! [cheers]…Ah!…Hah!…That’s it, I get him while he’s not hot! All right.
Police at Kennedy Airport this week arrested a Catholic priest with a gun in his luggage. Unfortunately, the FAA estimates that for every priest with a gun they catch, 40 nuns with rulers get through.
Former Panamanian dictator Manuel [pronounces it “MAN-you-el”] Nuriega– Manuel [pronounces it “man-WELL”] Nuriega asked a federal judge this week to reduce his 40-year sentence for drug trafficking, because he gave help to U.S. intelligence operations in Latin America. The judge denied the request, telling Nuriega that U.S. intelligence already knew what “maricon” and “bandejo” meant. [disappointed by reaction]…All right. I worked on the accent, and you barely give me anything. All right. This week…I was like, “Maricon” back there, “maricon”– I shouldn’t even say it again.
All right. This week, Olympic gold medalist Dominique Moceonu… [actually Moceanu] [embarrassed at his slip-up; some applause] If you could just see, it’s actually spelled phonetically for me, and I still messed it up. That’s what’s so sad….Anyway, she obtained a permanent restraining order against her father. Now when Dominique misbehaves, her mother warns her, “Just wait ’til your father gets within 101 feet of this house.”
A new study that listed the cities with the most cases of syphilis and gonorrhea ranked Baltimore as number one, New York wasn’t even in the top 20. New York’s murder rate is also down, Times Square is family-friendly; New York has become your crazy drinking buddy who got married and had kids. [cheers and applause]…Right?…Ah!
Of the six roaches sent into space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery with John Glenn…only two survived. An autopsy revealed that the roaches were killed by one giant step for mankind. [some applause]
Well, the holidays are approaching, and here to talk about the African-American holiday of Kwanzaa is Tim Meadows![pan over to Tim, who’s wearing a festive Kwanzaa outfit]
Tim Meadows: Thank you, buddy. [Colin laughs] Thank you all. Thank you very much. Kwanzaa begins on the day after Christmas and ends on New Year’s Day. Among the symbols we use to celebrate Kwanzaa are the mkeka [starts showing the symbols of Kwanzaa], the mat; the kinara, candle holder; and several ears of vibunzi, corn. And of course, the kikombi cha umoja, the communal cup of wine or juice. And in this case, wine. But perhaps I can best explain the meaning of Kwanzaa through song, with the help of the Kwanzettes.[Slow, sensual music begins playing. A spotlight shines on Tim. The Kwanzettes, wearing tight black dresses, enter and stand behind Tim.]
All right. [lights dim] This is for the ladies.[Kwanzettes begin grooving slowly as the song begins]
Santa Claus has come and gone, but don’t be sad and blue
‘Cause Kwanzaa Timmy’s comin’, and soon you’ll be comin’, too
Tell that fat old bearded dude he’s livin’ in the past, he
Only knows who’s bad or good, but I know who’s been nasty
Hey, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
I’ve brought you lots of gifts, girl
Come on, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
I promise to rock your world!
My gifts to you symbolize our African unity
A mkeka mat, some corn, some wine, and a booty full of me!
Kwanzaa was founded by Dr. Maulan [actually Maulana] Karenga
And like the spirit of the holiday, I plan to get up all in ya!
Hey, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
Don’t you understand what Kwanzaa’s about?
Hey, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
Look at my eyes, and listen to my mouth
Umoja, Kujichaguila, Ujima are the first three Kwanzaa dates
It’s also the sound of the bedsprings while sweet, sweet love we make
The last four days of Kwamaa are Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, and Imani
The next day, tell all your friends about my sexy Kwanzaa party!
There’s no booty-knocking, ‘less you fill our stocking
Kwanzaa’s about giving, not getting
If you wanna sex us, better bring your Lexus
I’ve got corn, I’ve got bushels of corn!
Think I know you, Mister; you knocked up my sister
Tim: [stops singing] Come on, now listen. Kwan– This is Kwanzaa, not Black History Month. You know? Don’t be enslaved by the past, baby! Break those chains, you know?
Listen, uh, why don’t we just, uh, take my mkeka mat, some wine, some corn, your 20 dollars and uh, go back to my place and get an early start on this Kwanzaa celebration, how about it?
Kwanzette #1: All right.
Tim: All right! Colin, you in?
Colin: [greatly enthused] Yes!
Tim and the Kwanzettes:
Have a happy, sexy Kwanzaa! [end of song; cheers and applause as they hold the last word]
Colin: Kwanzaa Timmy, everybody!
Tim: Kwanzettes! The Kwanzettes! [lights come back up]
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn! That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Good night.[Tim blows a kiss to the audience, then he and Colin shake hands] [fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson