SNL Transcripts: Bill Paxton: 01/09/99: Mac’s Bar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

98j: Bill Paxton / Beck

Mac’s Bar

Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell
Bartender…..Tracy Morgan
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ a glum Newt Gingrich sits in a bar, as a glummer Bob Livingston entersand sits next to him ]

Bob Livingston: [ to the bartender ] Double Crown Royal, one ice cube. [ sits down next to Newt Gingrich ]

Newt Gingrich: Well, if ain’t my old buddy Bob Livingston. [ chuckles ] I didn’t know you still drank here.

Bob Livingston: Ah, I got eighty-sixed at Hurley’s for being beligerent and shouting obscenities.

Newt Gingrich: I figured you’d be back home in Louisiana by now.

Bob Livingston: Well, funny enough, after you tell the whole country you cheated on your wife.. you don’t want to spend a lot of time around the house.

Newt Gingrich: Good point.

Bob Livingston: [ sips his Double Crown Royal, then contemplates the real issue ] What the hell happened?

Newt Gingrich: You know, I’ve been wondering that for two months. You know what the pisser is? Clinton has sex with that girl..

Bob Livingston: Right.

Newt Gingrich: Then he tries to get his friends to cover it up.

Bob Livingston: Sure.

Newt Gingrich: We have a dress.. with his semen on it!

Bob Livingston: Right. Right.

Newt Gingrich: He lies about it, under oath!

Bob Livingston: Uh-huh..

Newt Gingrich: Then we prosecute him, and he’s still in the White House and we lose our jobs!

Bob Livingston: [ taking all that in and weighing it through his mind ] What the hell happened?

Newt Gingrich: Well, at least you weren’t run out of town by your own party.

Bob Livingston: Oh, yeah.. it was much better being taken down by Larry Flynt. I had a moral judgment made on my life by the King of Porn.

Newt Gingrich: [ chuckling ] Then in your resignation speech you said you hoped Clinton would follow your lead and do the right thing and resign. You gotta admit, that was pretty lame!

Bob Livingston: [ also chuckling ] I know, I know! That was weak, I was grabbing at straws!

Newt Gingrich: You were, yeah..

[ the two men take another sip of their drinks ]

Bob Livingston: [ looking up ] Hey, Barkeep!

Bartender: Yeah?

Bob Livingston: What the hell happened?

Bartender: Hey, you’re this close to gettin’ cut off, Bro..

Bob Livingston: I’m sorry. Sorry.

Newt Gingrich: Hey. Look on the bright side. At least you got some strings! [ laughs ]

Bob Livingston: I don’t care about that. You got to be Speaker for four years. I didn’t even get fifteen minutes.

Newt Gingrich: [ laughing ] The Macarena lasted longer than you did!

Bob Livingston: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Newt Gingrich: You.. you’re the Gerardo of the House!

Bob Livingston: I know!

Newt Gingrich: The Yahoo Serious of Government!

Bob Livingston: Mmm-hmm..

Newt Gingrich: [ laughing harder ] You’re the “Magic Johnson Show” of politics!

Bob Livingston: [ getting angry ] Okay! Okay!

Newt Gingrich: Sorry. [ thinking ] You know what? I hope he doesn’t get impeached.

Bob Livingston: Oh, Newt, you don’t mean that..

Newt Gingrich: Screw the Party! Serves ’em right. [ sighs ] I just don’t get it! I have no idea what the people want!

Bob Livingston: [ thinking ] Let me ask you something: What the hell happened?

[ Bill Clinton and two bimbos exit from a back room of the bar and approach the counter where Bob and Newt sit ]

Bill Clinton: [ straightening his tie ] Thanks for letting me use the coat room, Hank. I left a joint in the ashtray.

Bartender: I’ll see you later, Slick.

Bill Clinton: [ noticing Bob and Newt ] Hey, fellas, how are you? [ to the bartender ] Hey, Hank? How about a drink for these two? From the President of the United States. [ exits the bar ]

Bob Livingston: [ still not sure what’s really going on ] What the hell happened?

Newt Gingrich: [ grabbing hid glass and looking towards the bartender ] Hey, Hank? Can you tighten these up? And, uh, by the way.. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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