SNL Transcripts: Bill Paxton: 01/09/99: Mac’s Bar

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

98j: Bill Paxton / Beck

Mac’s Bar

Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell
Bartender…..Tracy Morgan
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ a glum Newt Gingrich sits in a bar, as a glummer Bob Livingston entersand sits next to him ]

Bob Livingston: [ to the bartender ] Double Crown Royal, one ice cube. [ sits down next to Newt Gingrich ]

Newt Gingrich: Well, if ain’t my old buddy Bob Livingston. [ chuckles ] I didn’t know you still drank here.

Bob Livingston: Ah, I got eighty-sixed at Hurley’s for being beligerent and shouting obscenities.

Newt Gingrich: I figured you’d be back home in Louisiana by now.

Bob Livingston: Well, funny enough, after you tell the whole country you cheated on your wife.. you don’t want to spend a lot of time around the house.

Newt Gingrich: Good point.

Bob Livingston: [ sips his Double Crown Royal, then contemplates the real issue ] What the hell happened?

Newt Gingrich: You know, I’ve been wondering that for two months. You know what the pisser is? Clinton has sex with that girl..

Bob Livingston: Right.

Newt Gingrich: Then he tries to get his friends to cover it up.

Bob Livingston: Sure.

Newt Gingrich: We have a dress.. with his semen on it!

Bob Livingston: Right. Right.

Newt Gingrich: He lies about it, under oath!

Bob Livingston: Uh-huh..

Newt Gingrich: Then we prosecute him, and he’s still in the White House and we lose our jobs!

Bob Livingston: [ taking all that in and weighing it through his mind ] What the hell happened?

Newt Gingrich: Well, at least you weren’t run out of town by your own party.

Bob Livingston: Oh, yeah.. it was much better being taken down by Larry Flynt. I had a moral judgment made on my life by the King of Porn.

Newt Gingrich: [ chuckling ] Then in your resignation speech you said you hoped Clinton would follow your lead and do the right thing and resign. You gotta admit, that was pretty lame!

Bob Livingston: [ also chuckling ] I know, I know! That was weak, I was grabbing at straws!

Newt Gingrich: You were, yeah..

[ the two men take another sip of their drinks ]

Bob Livingston: [ looking up ] Hey, Barkeep!

Bartender: Yeah?

Bob Livingston: What the hell happened?

Bartender: Hey, you’re this close to gettin’ cut off, Bro..

Bob Livingston: I’m sorry. Sorry.

Newt Gingrich: Hey. Look on the bright side. At least you got some strings! [ laughs ]

Bob Livingston: I don’t care about that. You got to be Speaker for four years. I didn’t even get fifteen minutes.

Newt Gingrich: [ laughing ] The Macarena lasted longer than you did!

Bob Livingston: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Newt Gingrich: You.. you’re the Gerardo of the House!

Bob Livingston: I know!

Newt Gingrich: The Yahoo Serious of Government!

Bob Livingston: Mmm-hmm..

Newt Gingrich: [ laughing harder ] You’re the “Magic Johnson Show” of politics!

Bob Livingston: [ getting angry ] Okay! Okay!

Newt Gingrich: Sorry. [ thinking ] You know what? I hope he doesn’t get impeached.

Bob Livingston: Oh, Newt, you don’t mean that..

Newt Gingrich: Screw the Party! Serves ’em right. [ sighs ] I just don’t get it! I have no idea what the people want!

Bob Livingston: [ thinking ] Let me ask you something: What the hell happened?

[ Bill Clinton and two bimbos exit from a back room of the bar and approach the counter where Bob and Newt sit ]

Bill Clinton: [ straightening his tie ] Thanks for letting me use the coat room, Hank. I left a joint in the ashtray.

Bartender: I’ll see you later, Slick.

Bill Clinton: [ noticing Bob and Newt ] Hey, fellas, how are you? [ to the bartender ] Hey, Hank? How about a drink for these two? From the President of the United States. [ exits the bar ]

Bob Livingston: [ still not sure what’s really going on ] What the hell happened?

Newt Gingrich: [ grabbing hid glass and looking towards the bartender ] Hey, Hank? Can you tighten these up? And, uh, by the way.. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

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