SNL Transcripts: Bill Paxton: 01/09/99: NewsForce

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

98j: Bill Paxton / Beck


Carl Marshall…..Tim Neadows
Kirk Blackwell…..Bill Paxton
Wayne Hollister…..Will Ferrell
Consuela O’Shay…..Cheri Oteri
Voice of Greg…..Chris Parnell

[ open on anchor Carl Marshall, with the MSNBC logo and scrolling stock exchange currently on the bottom areas of the screen ]

Carl Marshall: Good evening, welcome to Hour Four of “Newsforce”, here on MSNBC, your live source for all of today’s headlines. [ “TV G” rating and “Recorded in SAP” logos appear in the upper right of the screen, along with Carl’s name and a Dow Jones average next to the NSNBC logo ] You can also check us out on-line at [ the URL, along with a Newsforce logo appear on the screen, alongside all the other distracting logos and scrolls ] We’ll get to our Question of the Day in just a moment, but first our top stories: [ Top Stories box appears on the left side of the screen ] The Senate unanimously approves a plan for the impeachment process; coalition jets clash once again with Iraqi fighters; and a bullsih market begins the new year. Now, for our Question of the Day, let’s go to Kirk Blackwell. Kirk?

[ cut to Kirk Blackwell, the same group of logos, boxes and scrolls surrounding his camera screen ]

Kirk Blackwell: Thanks, Carl. [ Question of the Day box appears at the top of the screen ] Today’s Question of the Day: “The President.. Should he fish or cut bait?” [ moves head lower, so as to be seen past the boxes ] Your comments are always welcome on, or call us at 1-800-GO-NEWS. [ phone number appears on the screen, above the URL ] We’ll take your calls and comments, but first, we go to our panel of experts. [ the two experts appears on the same log-infested screen ] Consuela O’Shay and Wayne Hollister, welcome to “Newsforce”!

Wayne Hollister: [ moves head around tp be seen ] Thanks for having us.

Consuela O’Shay: It’s good to be here, Carl.

Kirk Blackwell: Question of the Day: “The President.. Should he fish or cut bait?” WAyne, you have two seconds.. go!

[ 2-second time clock also shows up on the screen ]

Wayne Hollister: Uh.. well, there are really two issues at stake here.. [ buzzer sounds ] uh.. fish. He should fish.

Kirk Blackwell: Consuela?

Consuela O’Shay: Cut bait!

Kirk Blackwell: Back to you, Carl.

Carl Marshall: “Newsforce”. Let’s take a call.. but first, let’s see a picture of the “Terminator” robot. [ “TErminator” robot appears on the screen ] That’s cool! And that is coming to you live, from “Newsforce”. Greg, from Texas, uh, you’re on the air. You have three-quarters of a second.

[ “On The Phone – Greg, TX” bar appears on the screen ]

Voice of Greg: Uh.. thanks, Carl. Love the show, it’s, uh..

[ buzzer sounds ]

Carl Marshall: Sorry, time’s up. Fornmore “Newsforce”, let’s go over to Kirk Blackwell. Kirk?

Kirk Blackwell: Thanks, Carl. Now, here’s more stuff to look at!

[ the screen is completely covered by a chart, with the other logos and stuff still showing on the screen ]

Carl Marshall: It’s.. some kind of poll, or something..

Kirk Blackwell: Yeah, it’s a chart or graph.. I think I can see the number 30 in there. Carl?

Carl Marshall: Alright. [ visible in a small piece of screen ] Moving on..let’s get soem hockey scores on the screen there.

[ hockey scores papear in a bar near the bottom of the screen ]

Kirk Blackwell: Fantastic! We return now to our panel of experts. What do you guys make of this?

Consuela O’Shay: [ peering in ] It’s all very exciting..

Kirk Blackwell: Wayne?

Wayne Hollister: Uh.. I think we have to keep in mind..

Carl Marshall: Uh, I’m sorry. Hold that thought one second, Wayne. Right now, we have to check on some celebrity birthdays. [ box of celebrity birthdays appear in the middle of the screen ] Bob Denver, TV’s Gilligan, 64 years young today. And now, a “Newsforce” weather update: it’s pretty chilly out there today. [ weather graphic appears below the celebrity birthday box ] [ MSNBC logo cuts in ]

Announcer: “Newsforce”. For nine more hours of “Newsforce”, here on MSNBC.

[ fade to black ]

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