Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Titanic
Gloria Stuart as Rose…..Cheri Oteri
Granddaughter…..Molly Shannon
Brock…..Bill Paxton
Keith…..Horatio Sanz
Darrell…..Darrell Hammond
…..James Cameronl
(Opens with the end of Titanic. A young Rose looks up to the Statue of Liberty. Scene dissolves into the inside of a ship with the very, very old Rose. Brock, Keith, Darrell, her granddaughter and a few crew members gather around and listen to Rose´s story)
Rose: (very frail) Yes, there was a man named Jack Dawson. And he saved me in every way a person can be saved. I don´t even have a picture of him. He exists now only in my memory.
Brock: Wow. That´s an amazing story Rose.
Keith: Yeah, that´s messed up.
Brock: For 3 years I thought of nothing but Titanic but I never got it. I never let it in.
Rose: Well, now you know the whole story.
Granddaughter: Come on grandma. You must be tired. You´ve been talking now for 3 hours. You need to get some rest, ok?
Brock: Whoa, wait a second. You left out the part about what happened to the diamond necklace.
Rose: Oh, you mean The Heart of the Ocean. I´m afraid that that´s another story for another time.
Brock: But we got time now. You got the time, Keith?
Keith: Hell, yeah.
Brock: See? We got plenty of time.
Rose: Well, you know they called the Titanic the ship of dreams…
Brock: Yeah, yeah, yeah…that´s just great. Look Rose, I´ve been listening to this hack romance novel crapathon all afternoon! Now, enough is enough. Where´s the necklace?
Granddaughter: Look, my grandmother needs to sleep…
Brock: Granny can sleep for the rest of her life after she tell us where that 20 million diamond necklace is!!
Granddaughter: How much?! (to Rose) I´ve been waiting tables at Pizza Hut for the last 6 years and you´ve been sitting in 20 million bucks?! Come on!
Rose: A woman´s heart is a deep ocean of secrets….
Keith: Lady, I´m gonna split your head with a 2 by 4 in about 5 seconds you don´t start talking!
Rose: (afraid) I´m not sure what you´re talking about. Where am I? I´m sleepy.
(Granddaughter pushes her)
Granddaughter: You!
Keith: All right, that´s it! (Keith sits her down on a chair and slaps her in the face) This is (slap) for (slap) listening (slap)to (slap) that (slap)stupid (slap) boring (slap) story! (slap) (Keith puts her in a headlock) Come on! Come and get some!
Granddaughter: This is for holding out on me! (kicks Rose in the ribs)You tart! (kicks) Tart! (kicks) Tart! (kicks) Tart!
(Keith gets ready to lift her up)
Keith: This hag´s going overboard!
Brock: Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Rose: Ohh, oww…(sobbing) I think one of my ribs is broken.
Brock: This one? (pokes her side)
Rose: OW!
Brock: Its ok Rose. Everything is going to be all right. I was just talking to Jack. He wants you to tell me where the necklace is so the two of you can be together…forever.
Rose: (sobbing) But I don´t know where it is.
(Brock punches her in the stomach 3 times)
Rose: Oh!, ow!, ow!
Darrell: Brock, Brock, Brock! Just hold on a second. I think she´s telling the truth. She doesn´t know where the necklace is because she wasn´t even on the Titanic. Her story is so full of holes. Titanic went down on a Monday not a Friday. The skipper to the Titanic was Captain Smith not Captain Stubbing. And Bob Seger was not!(slaps her hard in the head) on the Titanic!
Keith: Lady, is what Darrell says true?
Rose: Oh, yes. It is true. I wasn´t on the Titanic. There was no Jack Dawson. No diamond. I just wanted to ride on a helicopter before I died. Wheee! (Brock pushes her head. Everyone leaves) Wait, oh, oh…but I really did lose my virginity to President William Howard Taft. Would you like to hear that story? Huh?
(Cut to an editing room with director James Cameron)
James Cameron: Hi, I´m Jim Cameron. Now what you just saw was the original ending to my film Titanic. Now I decided to change the ending after a disastrous test screening in which the audience tore up the seats, set fire to the theater and chased me down the street booing and spitting. I´m presenting this original ending to you, the Saturday Night Live viewer, in the hopes that you can see beyond the fact that is stupid and crazy and ruins the movie. And realize how cool it would´ve been to see a really old lady get beat up. So, for Saturday Night Live, I´m James Cameron saying “you´re the king of the world”. (James lights his cigar with a burning $100 dollar bill) Thanks.
(Cheers and applause)
(fade)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
