SNL Transcripts: James van der Beek: 01/16/99: National Spelling Bee Championship


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

National Spelling Bee Championship

Jonathan Voss…..Will Ferrell
Sarah Hollitt…..Molly Shannon
Chris Brubaker…..James van der Beek

Announcer: It’s the National Spelling Bee Championship! Broadcast live from Syracuse University. And now, the final round!

[ Emcee Jonathan Voss runs onto the stage ]

Jonathan Voss: Hi, I’m Jonathan Voss, and welcome back to the National Spelling Bee Championship! Let’s have a round of applause for our two terrific finalists: Sarah Hollitt.. and Chris Brubaker! There’s a lot of scholarship money at stake, so let’s get to it! Are you reasy contestants?

Sarah Hollitt: [ chipper, excited ] Yes!

Chris Brubaker: [ wearing glasses and suspenders, prissy ] Yes.

Jonathan Voss: Good. The words for this final round were chosen by a secret panel of judges, comprised of linguistic professors from the nation’s top colleges. The cards were sealed in an envelope, and handed directly to me last night. They’ve been in my possession ever since. So, without further ado, let’s get the cards out and begin the final round. [ reaches in jacket pocket for cards, but doesn’t find them ] We’re.. we’re all set to go.. so I’ll just.. get the cards.. with the words on them.. and we’ll.. we’ll be okay. [ furiously searching the cards in his jacket ] And. I’ve got the cards.. right here.. [ pretends to pull cards out of jacket, holding his hands very close together ] It’s in my hand.. we’re cool.. we’re very cool right now.. and the first word is.. for.. Sarah. Sarah. And.. I’m just reading it right off the card in front of me here.. I’ll say it in just one second.. it’s.. [ making word up ] “Corpuscle”!

Sarah Hollitt: Corpuscle. What is its root?

Jonathan Voss: [ paralyzed with fear ] Uh.. good question.. uh.. hang on.. Let me just find where the information is written on this card.. it’s.. It’s Greek..

Sarah Hollitt: Can you use it in a sentence, please?

Jonathan Voss: [ hesitant ] “Hey, Fred, look at that corpuscle.”

Sarah Hollitt: Okay. Corpuscle. C-O-R-P-U-S-C-L-E.

Jonathan Voss: Uh.. uh.. that’s.. right? [ bell rings ] That’s right! That’s right! Good job! Okay! Okay, now let’s take a commercial break! [ pause ] No? We’re not gonna do that? Okay. Uh.. next word.. is.. uh.. is for Chris. Chris. And it’s.. uh.. “Bland”.

Chris Brubaker: Excuse me? My word is “Bland“?

Jonathan Voss: “-ize”. “Blandize”. Your word is.. is.. “Blandize”.

Chris Brubaker: “Blandize”? Can you.. an you please define that word?

Jonathan Voss: Sure, Chris.. uh.. but, first.. let’s get to knoe one another. Where are you from, originally?

Chris Brubaker: [ snotty ] I’d rather just spell the word, sir.

Jonathan Voss: Of course you would, Chris.. because that’s what makes you a champion. Okay. Next word is for Sarah!

Sarah Hollitt: [ angry ] Hey, wait a minute! He didn’t even spell it!

Jonathan Voss: Oh, come on! He would’ve gotten “Blandize”, that’s a given! Sarah. your word is.. it’s a great word.. which.. I’m gonna say.. now! “Mendofulumus”.

Sarah Hollitt: What?!

Jonathan Voss: “Mendadibliness”.

Sarah Hollitt: That’s not what you said the first time!

Jonathan Voss: Yes, it is! That’s what I said!

Sarah Hollitt: Okay, fine. Can you, uh.. give me a definition?

Jonathan Voss: Oh, uh.. “Mendadibliness”.. to speak.. or noisilate.. uh.. vociferously. Vociferously! That’s your word! Vocifierously!

Chris Brubaker: What happened to “Mendofulumus”?

Sarah Hollitt: Vociferously. V-O-C..

Jonathan Voss: Okay, you clearly know it, that’s enough! [ bell rings ]

Chris Brubaker: Hey, wait a minute! Yuo can’t do that!

Jonathan Voss: Hey, which one of you is me here? You? I don’t think so! okay. We move back to Chris.. okay.. it’s hard to read this off the card, because it’s.. it’s very blurry.. but.. yes.. there we go.. I can read it.. and it says.. “Kevin McHale”.

Chris Brubaker: The basketball player?

Jonathan Voss: No! The word.

Chris Brubaker: I don’t believe you, but can you use it in a sentence?

Jonathan Voss: Sure.. uh.. [ quickly ] “Bird passes to McHale, fade-away jumper, good, and a foul! That’s three on Laimbeer, and Coach Daly wants a time-out, hey!”

Chris Brubaker: That’s Kevin McHale, the basketball player.

Jonathan Voss: [ changes tune ] Your word is “Hefalump”.

Chris Brubaker: Okay, Hefalump is from Winnie-The-Pooh! You don’t have the real words, do you?

Jonathan Voss: [ moving on ] Sarah.. uh.. your word is.. [ desperately ] “Boat-car-beard..”

Sarah Hollitt: No, it’s not! You lost the cards, didn’t you!

Jonathan Voss: [ fumbling for a quick getaway ] Hey! Hey, look over there! [ points ]

Chris Brubaker: [ looking ] What? There’s nothing over there..

Sarah Hollitt: [ looking ] What are you talking about?

[ Voss sneaks away quietly ] [ screen freezes ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “And that, friends, was the very first time that ‘Hey, look over there!’ was used to escape from a delicate or embarrassing situation. But it wasn’t the last. Indeed, ‘Hey, look over there’ is still used today. How do I know? Why.. hey! Look over there!”

[ sound of fleeing footsteps, car door slamming shut, engine revving, car peeling down the street ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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