SNL Transcripts: James van der Beek: 01/16/99: Laser Pointers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Laser Pointers

Harry Connick, Jr……Jimmy Fallon
Joker #1…..Tracy Morgan
Joker #2…..James van der Beek

[ open on exterior, Radio City Music Hall ] [ dissolve to interior, stage ]

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harry Connick, Jr.!

[ Harry Connick, Jr. enters stage, sits at piano ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: Thanks a lot. I want to thank you all for coming here tonight. Thank you. You know, the past couple years I’ve done a little acting, did some soundtracks.. but tonight I want to get back to my roots – the songs that made Frank Sinatra famous. This music means a lot to me, and I hope it means a lot to you.

[ plays piano, sings ]

“My.. funny.. valentine..
Sweet.. comic.. valentine..”

[ laser pointer dot bounces across Harry’s face ]

“You make me smiiiiiile with my heart..
Your look is.. laughable..”

[ stopss abruptly ]

Hey! There’s a laser dot on me! Come on, knock it off! Whoever’s doing that, knock it off, alright? Please! [ laser dot disappears ] Thank you! I guess some people just like to ruin a good time for everyone. Let’s have some fun.

[ begins playing again ] [ laser pointer dot bounces around Harry’s nose ]“My.. funny.. valentine..”

“Sweet.. comic.. valentine..
You make me-“

[ swats laser dot away ]

Alright! Seriously! Come on, stop it, alright! no one’s laughing but you, alright! Now, come on! Does anyone know who’s doing this?! Is there any security here?! Can we find out who’s doing that, please!

[ cut to full shot of Harry’s audience, quick zoom to last row where a pair of jokers sit, laughing at the antics of their laser pointers ]

Jokers: [ laughing with pride ] [ cut back to Harry Connick, Jr. fuming on stage ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: I mean, come on! I know that laser pointers are a lot of fun – I have one myself. But, come on, just be cool, alright! [ laser dot finally disappears ] Thank you! [ sits at piano again ] Let’s have some fun.

[ singing ]

“My.. funny.. va-“

[ jumps to his feet ]

Come on, knock it off, alright! Is this what you want?! This is a beautiful song!

[ laser dot bounces along Harry’s crotch ]

Alright, yeah, yeah, that’s funny, right?! That’s what funny to you, right?! This is real creative! This is what you do with your time, right?!

[ two laser dots give Harry a set of nipples ]

Aw, brilliant! Brilliant! I’ve got nipples, that’s great! You could hear me play the music your parents fell in love to, but, instead, I got nipples! Are you done now, man?! Come on! [ laser dots disappear ] Are you finished?! Is that it?! Have you had your fun?!

[ cut back to the jokers laughing in the audience ]

Joker #1: [ laughing ] Yo, Bro, we should stop! He’s starting to get really mad!

Joker #2: Oh, hold on, man! I want to give him a dot on his forehead, make him look like the chick from No Doubt!

Joker #1: Yeah! Yeah, do that!

[ cut back to Harry at the piano ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: Le-let’s have some fun.

“My.. funny.. valentine..”[ laser dot bounces on Harry’s forehead, making him look like the chick from No Doubt ]

“Sweet.. com-“

[ stops abruptly again ]

Hey, come on, alright?! Knock it off, you sons of a bitch! You’re making me look like an idiot in front of all these people! You’re trying to make me look like that chick from No Doubt!! That’s not cool! I swear to God-

[ ]

Oh, great! You already did this one, man! You’re running out of ideas!

[ cut to jokers laughing in the audience ]

Joker #1: [ laughing ] He’s right, man! You already did that one!

Joker #2: Okay, man, it still makes me laugh!

Joker #1: Ooh, I got one! I’m gonna make him look like Cindy Crawford!

[ cut back to Harry on stage, as laser dot bounces over his lip ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: Th-his is screwed-up, man, alright! This is screwed up, man, alright! This is screwed-up, I’m sick of this! You’re taking all the fun out of it! I’m finished!

[ Harry exits the stage in a huff ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very sorry to announce that tonight’s show has been cancelled.

Joker #2: That was a good show!

Joker #1: Yeah! Hey, let’s go see that new Nicole Kidman flick!

Joker #2: Alright, man, let’s go do it!

[ they stand up to exit theater ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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