SNL Transcripts: James van der Beek: 01/16/99: Maria & The TV Repairman

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Maria & The TV Repairman

Maria…..Cheri Oteri
Mr.Caminetti…..Horatio Sanz
Anthony…..James Van Deer Beek

[Opens with a young guy repairing a tv set on a living room]

Mr. Caminetti: Hey, thank you for coming out on such short notice to fix the set, uh, uh…

Anthony: Anthony.

Mr. Caminetti: Anthony! Ha, ha, nice Italian kid. Hey, how long have you been doing this for

Anthony: I not been doing it too long, you know. Got my union card about a month ago.

Mr. Caminetti: Oh, oh, oh, you got an union card? That’s a nice secure future, huh?

Anthony: Right.

Mr. Caminetti: You married?

Anthony: No, I ain’t.

Mr. Caminetti: MARIA!!!

[Maria comes out. She’s an ugly duckling. Dress all ill fitting, uncombed hair, spastic movements, shade of a mustache]

Maria: What pop? Whoa, a boy!

Mr. Caminetti: Yeah, this is Anthony. Anthony, this is my pride and joy, Maria.

Anthony: Hey, nice to meet ya.

Maria: I’m a virgin.

Anthony: Good for you.

Mr. Caminetti: Three’s a crowd. I’m gonna go. Check my sauce.

[Mr.Caminetti plays “Inamorata” by Dean Martin and lowers the lights in hopes of Maria and Anthony getting it on.]

Mr. Caminetti: Don’t sit there, sweetie. Say something. You’re getting older by the minute.

Maria: I can crack my back in three places.

Anthony: That a fact?

Maria: Yeah. [Turns and crack! Turns again and crack!] Pull this.[Anthony pulls her arm and crack!] Gaaah!

Anthony: Wow. I ain’t never seen nobody that could do that before. But nothing personal, I got a job to do here.

[Maria goes over to her father in the kitchen]

Maria: Pop, he don’t like me, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: Go ask him to dance, honey. Go on.

Maria: Hey Anthony. Anthony, you wanna dance? [spastic dance moves]

Anthony: No.

Mr. Caminetti: Come on. Make him feel special. Do, do–make–be sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, show a little leg.

[Maria props a wooden leg on top of the tv set]

Mr. Caminetti: Not that one, honey. The good one. Work it, yeah.

[Maria props her other leg on top of the tv]

Anthony: All right. Look, Mr. Caminetti I can hear everything you’re saying.

Mr. Caminetti: What the hell’s wrong with you?! What are you a fruitcake or something? Can’t you see that she’s a peach? After her mother slipped on ice and died I raised her to be a good kid. The best I could.

Maria: [pointing at her tits] And these are real. They’re mine.

Mr. Caminetti: I realize she’s no Connie Francis but the kid’s got talent! Watch.

[Maria plays the accordion horribly]

Mr. Caminetti: Oh, there you go, little girl. Show him what you got. There you go.

Maria: Ok, start. [sings horribly as well] “Do you know the way to San Jose?, I’m gonna go and find some peace of mind in San Jose.”

Mr. Caminetti: Ha, ha! She eats like a bird, sleeps standing up. She prays all the time, come on!

Maria: I got my own snow blower for Christmas.

Anthony: All right. Look Mr. Caminetti, I don’t mean no disrespect but I…

Mr. Caminetti: All right! That’s it! What’s it gonna take?! Close your eyes, baby. [pulls out money] $100, $200? Come on!

Anthony: I can’t take your money.

Maria: Tell him about the car, pop. Tell him about the car.

Mr. Caminetti: [keys in hand] Got an 88 Caddy DeVille. Fully loaded. What do you want?

Anthony: All right Mr. Caminetti. Don’t get me wrong. Maria is a very flexible virgin. I would be more than happy to do her. But I promised my girlfriend Paula I would only do her.

Maria: Damn, pop. We were this close, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: Who the hell do you think you are coming in my house leading my daughter on this way?! Get the hell outta here, ya’ bum!

Anthony: A bum? A bum, huh? Well, does a bum has his name around his neck in 10 karat gold? Does a bum smells like Drakkar Noir 24 hours a day? And does a bum have big plans to study electronics at DeVry Technical Institute? If so, then this bum is outta here! I’m outta here! [leaves]

Maria: Pop, he’s going to DeVry. He’s going to DeVry, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: I know, I know, honey.

Maria: Now what?

Mr. Caminetti: Honey, I just ordered pizza. If it’s not here within 15 minutes or less, he is free. All right?

Maria: Ok, pizza.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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