SNL Transcripts: James van der Beek: 01/16/99: Maria & The TV Repairman



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11


98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Maria & The TV Repairman

Maria…..Cheri Oteri
Mr.Caminetti…..Horatio Sanz
Anthony…..James Van Deer Beek

[Opens with a young guy repairing a tv set on a living room]

Mr. Caminetti: Hey, thank you for coming out on such short notice to fix the set, uh, uh…

Anthony: Anthony.

Mr. Caminetti: Anthony! Ha, ha, nice Italian kid. Hey, how long have you been doing this for

Anthony: I not been doing it too long, you know. Got my union card about a month ago.

Mr. Caminetti: Oh, oh, oh, you got an union card? That’s a nice secure future, huh?

Anthony: Right.

Mr. Caminetti: You married?

Anthony: No, I ain’t.

Mr. Caminetti: MARIA!!!

[Maria comes out. She’s an ugly duckling. Dress all ill fitting, uncombed hair, spastic movements, shade of a mustache]

Maria: What pop? Whoa, a boy!

Mr. Caminetti: Yeah, this is Anthony. Anthony, this is my pride and joy, Maria.

Anthony: Hey, nice to meet ya.

Maria: I’m a virgin.

Anthony: Good for you.

Mr. Caminetti: Three’s a crowd. I’m gonna go. Check my sauce.

[Mr.Caminetti plays “Inamorata” by Dean Martin and lowers the lights in hopes of Maria and Anthony getting it on.]

Mr. Caminetti: Don’t sit there, sweetie. Say something. You’re getting older by the minute.

Maria: I can crack my back in three places.

Anthony: That a fact?

Maria: Yeah. [Turns and crack! Turns again and crack!] Pull this.[Anthony pulls her arm and crack!] Gaaah!

Anthony: Wow. I ain’t never seen nobody that could do that before. But nothing personal, I got a job to do here.

[Maria goes over to her father in the kitchen]

Maria: Pop, he don’t like me, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: Go ask him to dance, honey. Go on.

Maria: Hey Anthony. Anthony, you wanna dance? [spastic dance moves]

Anthony: No.

Mr. Caminetti: Come on. Make him feel special. Do, do–make–be sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, show a little leg.

[Maria props a wooden leg on top of the tv set]

Mr. Caminetti: Not that one, honey. The good one. Work it, yeah.

[Maria props her other leg on top of the tv]

Anthony: All right. Look, Mr. Caminetti I can hear everything you’re saying.

Mr. Caminetti: What the hell’s wrong with you?! What are you a fruitcake or something? Can’t you see that she’s a peach? After her mother slipped on ice and died I raised her to be a good kid. The best I could.

Maria: [pointing at her tits] And these are real. They’re mine.

Mr. Caminetti: I realize she’s no Connie Francis but the kid’s got talent! Watch.

[Maria plays the accordion horribly]

Mr. Caminetti: Oh, there you go, little girl. Show him what you got. There you go.

Maria: Ok, start. [sings horribly as well] “Do you know the way to San Jose?, I’m gonna go and find some peace of mind in San Jose.”

Mr. Caminetti: Ha, ha! She eats like a bird, sleeps standing up. She prays all the time, come on!

Maria: I got my own snow blower for Christmas.

Anthony: All right. Look Mr. Caminetti, I don’t mean no disrespect but I…

Mr. Caminetti: All right! That’s it! What’s it gonna take?! Close your eyes, baby. [pulls out money] $100, $200? Come on!

Anthony: I can’t take your money.

Maria: Tell him about the car, pop. Tell him about the car.

Mr. Caminetti: [keys in hand] Got an 88 Caddy DeVille. Fully loaded. What do you want?

Anthony: All right Mr. Caminetti. Don’t get me wrong. Maria is a very flexible virgin. I would be more than happy to do her. But I promised my girlfriend Paula I would only do her.

Maria: Damn, pop. We were this close, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: Who the hell do you think you are coming in my house leading my daughter on this way?! Get the hell outta here, ya’ bum!

Anthony: A bum? A bum, huh? Well, does a bum has his name around his neck in 10 karat gold? Does a bum smells like Drakkar Noir 24 hours a day? And does a bum have big plans to study electronics at DeVry Technical Institute? If so, then this bum is outta here! I’m outta here! [leaves]

Maria: Pop, he’s going to DeVry. He’s going to DeVry, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: I know, I know, honey.

Maria: Now what?

Mr. Caminetti: Honey, I just ordered pizza. If it’s not here within 15 minutes or less, he is free. All right?

Maria: Ok, pizza.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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