Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 11
Maria & The TV Repairman
Anthony…..James Van Deer Beek
Mr. Caminetti: Hey, thank you for coming out on such short notice to fix the set, uh, uh…
Mr. Caminetti: Anthony! Ha, ha, nice Italian kid. Hey, how long have you been doing this for
Anthony: I not been doing it too long, you know. Got my union card about a month ago.
Mr. Caminetti: Oh, oh, oh, you got an union card? That’s a nice secure future, huh?
Mr. Caminetti: You married?
Anthony: No, I ain’t.
Mr. Caminetti: MARIA!!![Maria comes out. She’s an ugly duckling. Dress all ill fitting, uncombed hair, spastic movements, shade of a mustache]
Maria: What pop? Whoa, a boy!
Mr. Caminetti: Yeah, this is Anthony. Anthony, this is my pride and joy, Maria.
Anthony: Hey, nice to meet ya.
Maria: I’m a virgin.
Anthony: Good for you.
Mr. Caminetti: Three’s a crowd. I’m gonna go. Check my sauce.[Mr.Caminetti plays “Inamorata” by Dean Martin and lowers the lights in hopes of Maria and Anthony getting it on.]
Mr. Caminetti: Don’t sit there, sweetie. Say something. You’re getting older by the minute.
Maria: I can crack my back in three places.
Anthony: That a fact?
Maria: Yeah. [Turns and crack! Turns again and crack!] Pull this.[Anthony pulls her arm and crack!] Gaaah!
Anthony: Wow. I ain’t never seen nobody that could do that before. But nothing personal, I got a job to do here.[Maria goes over to her father in the kitchen]
Maria: Pop, he don’t like me, pop.
Mr. Caminetti: Go ask him to dance, honey. Go on.
Maria: Hey Anthony. Anthony, you wanna dance? [spastic dance moves]
Mr. Caminetti: Come on. Make him feel special. Do, do–make–be sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, show a little leg.[Maria props a wooden leg on top of the tv set]
Mr. Caminetti: Not that one, honey. The good one. Work it, yeah.[Maria props her other leg on top of the tv]
Anthony: All right. Look, Mr. Caminetti I can hear everything you’re saying.
Mr. Caminetti: What the hell’s wrong with you?! What are you a fruitcake or something? Can’t you see that she’s a peach? After her mother slipped on ice and died I raised her to be a good kid. The best I could.
Maria: [pointing at her tits] And these are real. They’re mine.
Mr. Caminetti: I realize she’s no Connie Francis but the kid’s got talent! Watch.[Maria plays the accordion horribly]
Mr. Caminetti: Oh, there you go, little girl. Show him what you got. There you go.
Maria: Ok, start. [sings horribly as well] “Do you know the way to San Jose?, I’m gonna go and find some peace of mind in San Jose.”
Mr. Caminetti: Ha, ha! She eats like a bird, sleeps standing up. She prays all the time, come on!
Maria: I got my own snow blower for Christmas.
Anthony: All right. Look Mr. Caminetti, I don’t mean no disrespect but I…
Mr. Caminetti: All right! That’s it! What’s it gonna take?! Close your eyes, baby. [pulls out money] $100, $200? Come on!
Anthony: I can’t take your money.
Maria: Tell him about the car, pop. Tell him about the car.
Mr. Caminetti: [keys in hand] Got an 88 Caddy DeVille. Fully loaded. What do you want?
Anthony: All right Mr. Caminetti. Don’t get me wrong. Maria is a very flexible virgin. I would be more than happy to do her. But I promised my girlfriend Paula I would only do her.
Maria: Damn, pop. We were this close, pop.
Mr. Caminetti: Who the hell do you think you are coming in my house leading my daughter on this way?! Get the hell outta here, ya’ bum!
Anthony: A bum? A bum, huh? Well, does a bum has his name around his neck in 10 karat gold? Does a bum smells like Drakkar Noir 24 hours a day? And does a bum have big plans to study electronics at DeVry Technical Institute? If so, then this bum is outta here! I’m outta here! [leaves]
Maria: Pop, he’s going to DeVry. He’s going to DeVry, pop.
Mr. Caminetti: I know, I know, honey.
Maria: Now what?
Mr. Caminetti: Honey, I just ordered pizza. If it’s not here within 15 minutes or less, he is free. All right?
Maria: Ok, pizza.[cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel