SNL Transcripts: James van der Beek: 01/16/99: Teeny Weenies

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Teeny Weenies

Karen…..Molly Shannon
Mom 1…..Cheri Oteri
Mom 2…..Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with a trio of young women sitting at a coffee table in a kitchen]

Mom 2: Karen, you seem really down.

Mom 1: Yeah, what’s the matter?

Karen: Oh, Gary and I are having trouble conceiving. We try month after month and I just can’t seem to get pregnant.

Mom 1: Mmm…well, have you thought of adoption?

Karen: Eww…no.

Mom 2: Hey, I know what you need.

[Mom 2 shows a box]

Karen and Mom 1: Teeny Weenies?

Mom 2: It’s the fun new fertility drug kit that’ll turn barren Karen into fertile Myrtle.

[images of little babies multiplying]

Jingle: “Teeny Weenies, Teeny Weenies! Itsy bitsy, itty bitty, shrinky-dinky babies! They’re your babies and they look like you so you’ll love them more than other babies even if they come out messed up!”

Karen: How does it work?

[Karen pulls out a long-ass needle and injects herself on the belly] [Bouncing baby over the jingle]

Jingle: “Just take the human menopausal gonadotropin and inject it in your body. Do the shakey-shakey dance, and make some babies in your pants! [Moms 1 and 2 and Karen shake their hips playfully] Make more babies! More babies! Make more babies!”

[Karen holds 8 tiny babies up]

Karen: Eight babies at once?! It’s a miracle!

Mom 2: It’s not a miracle. It’s science!

Mom 1:[holding a bunch of tiny babies] I’m gonna dress up my babies up in outfits when the rest of them get out of intensive care.

Mom 2: My decatuplets are so tiny I can hold them up in a spoon. [holds miniature baby in a spoon]

Karen and Mom 1: Cute!

Karen: I’m gonna be on the cover of “People” magazine.

[ Caption: “People” magazine cover no longer guaranteed. ]

Mom 2: With Teeny Weenies you can make as many babies as you want then keep the ones you like.

Mom 1: [holding 4 babies] I made twelve babies and four of them turned out pretty good.

Karen: Awesome!

Announcer: Teeny Weenies! It’s fun to defy God!

Karen and the two moms: Adoption’s for geeks! Get Teeny Weenies!

[box of the Teeny Weenies kit]

Announcer: Teeny Weenies by Fertilifun! Heat lamps, diapers, lung medicine, blood transfusions, corrective shoes and physical therapy not included.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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