Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 11
98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast
Teeny Weenies
Karen…..Molly Shannon
Mom 1…..Cheri Oteri
Mom 2…..Ana Gasteyer
Mom 2: Karen, you seem really down.
Mom 1: Yeah, what’s the matter?
Karen: Oh, Gary and I are having trouble conceiving. We try month after month and I just can’t seem to get pregnant.
Mom 1: Mmm…well, have you thought of adoption?
Karen: Eww…no.
Mom 2: Hey, I know what you need.
[Mom 2 shows a box]Karen and Mom 1: Teeny Weenies?
Mom 2: It’s the fun new fertility drug kit that’ll turn barren Karen into fertile Myrtle.
[images of little babies multiplying]Jingle: “Teeny Weenies, Teeny Weenies! Itsy bitsy, itty bitty, shrinky-dinky babies! They’re your babies and they look like you so you’ll love them more than other babies even if they come out messed up!”
Karen: How does it work?
[Karen pulls out a long-ass needle and injects herself on the belly] [Bouncing baby over the jingle]Jingle: “Just take the human menopausal gonadotropin and inject it in your body. Do the shakey-shakey dance, and make some babies in your pants! [Moms 1 and 2 and Karen shake their hips playfully] Make more babies! More babies! Make more babies!”
[Karen holds 8 tiny babies up]Karen: Eight babies at once?! It’s a miracle!
Mom 2: It’s not a miracle. It’s science!
Mom 1:[holding a bunch of tiny babies] I’m gonna dress up my babies up in outfits when the rest of them get out of intensive care.
Mom 2: My decatuplets are so tiny I can hold them up in a spoon. [holds miniature baby in a spoon]
Karen and Mom 1: Cute!
Karen: I’m gonna be on the cover of “People” magazine.
[ Caption: “People” magazine cover no longer guaranteed. ]Mom 2: With Teeny Weenies you can make as many babies as you want then keep the ones you like.
Mom 1: [holding 4 babies] I made twelve babies and four of them turned out pretty good.
Karen: Awesome!
Announcer: Teeny Weenies! It’s fun to defy God!
Karen and the two moms: Adoption’s for geeks! Get Teeny Weenies!
[box of the Teeny Weenies kit]Announcer: Teeny Weenies by Fertilifun! Heat lamps, diapers, lung medicine, blood transfusions, corrective shoes and physical therapy not included.
[cheers and applause] [fade]Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
