SNL Transcripts: James van der Beek: 01/16/99: Teeny Weenies


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Teeny Weenies

Karen…..Molly Shannon
Mom 1…..Cheri Oteri
Mom 2…..Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with a trio of young women sitting at a coffee table in a kitchen]

Mom 2: Karen, you seem really down.

Mom 1: Yeah, what’s the matter?

Karen: Oh, Gary and I are having trouble conceiving. We try month after month and I just can’t seem to get pregnant.

Mom 1: Mmm…well, have you thought of adoption?

Karen: Eww…no.

Mom 2: Hey, I know what you need.

[Mom 2 shows a box]

Karen and Mom 1: Teeny Weenies?

Mom 2: It’s the fun new fertility drug kit that’ll turn barren Karen into fertile Myrtle.

[images of little babies multiplying]

Jingle: “Teeny Weenies, Teeny Weenies! Itsy bitsy, itty bitty, shrinky-dinky babies! They’re your babies and they look like you so you’ll love them more than other babies even if they come out messed up!”

Karen: How does it work?

[Karen pulls out a long-ass needle and injects herself on the belly] [Bouncing baby over the jingle]

Jingle: “Just take the human menopausal gonadotropin and inject it in your body. Do the shakey-shakey dance, and make some babies in your pants! [Moms 1 and 2 and Karen shake their hips playfully] Make more babies! More babies! Make more babies!”

[Karen holds 8 tiny babies up]

Karen: Eight babies at once?! It’s a miracle!

Mom 2: It’s not a miracle. It’s science!

Mom 1:[holding a bunch of tiny babies] I’m gonna dress up my babies up in outfits when the rest of them get out of intensive care.

Mom 2: My decatuplets are so tiny I can hold them up in a spoon. [holds miniature baby in a spoon]

Karen and Mom 1: Cute!

Karen: I’m gonna be on the cover of “People” magazine.

[ Caption: “People” magazine cover no longer guaranteed. ]

Mom 2: With Teeny Weenies you can make as many babies as you want then keep the ones you like.

Mom 1: [holding 4 babies] I made twelve babies and four of them turned out pretty good.

Karen: Awesome!

Announcer: Teeny Weenies! It’s fun to defy God!

Karen and the two moms: Adoption’s for geeks! Get Teeny Weenies!

[box of the Teeny Weenies kit]

Announcer: Teeny Weenies by Fertilifun! Heat lamps, diapers, lung medicine, blood transfusions, corrective shoes and physical therapy not included.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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