SNL Transcripts: James Van Der Beek: 01/16/99: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Weekend update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Ahh! Thanks, folks! Oh, save it for later!

The impeachment hearing is really enough now. You know, I mean, we get the point, you’re outraged, Clinton is terrible, all right, he lied. You have all these senators out there trying to make a name for themselves, because there’s only a few famous senators. And how do you get famous? You have to have a hook. You have to be notorious, like…no one wants to be the guy on “Hollywood Squares” that nobody knows….You know, the lower left square, Asa Hutchinson to block…

Who’s getting famous off this? This guy, Bob Barr, it’s like, Bob Barr the elephant, [cut to clip of Bob Barr] only he forgot. He forgot that he…[cut to Colin] had an affair and paid for an abortion, even though he’s a pro-lifer. When asked about this hypocrisy, Mr. Barr said, “Yes, but I’m man enough to pay for the mistakes I lie about, unlike Clinton, who makes his wife chip in.” You know? [groans]

Then there’s Jim Sensenbrenner, this guy from Wisconsin, [cut to clip of Jim Sensenbrenner] you see this guy? He looks like a…harried businessman who’s having a heart attack at a steakhouse. He looks like he’s about to keel over into his buttered baked potato.

These guys hate Clinton, but who’s behind them? Is it big business? Maybe. Tobacco hates Clinton. That would be horrible poetic justice. He goes after tobacco and gets brought down by a cigar. You know. Let’s go do the news!

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Oh! Thanks, folks! All right, folks, I’m Colin Quinn!

The congressional seat being vacated by Bob Livingston could be filled by a 48-year-old ophthalmologist named Dr. Monica Monica. This is the last straw, folks, all right? The country has officially turned into a very bad “Hee Haw” sketch….A ’70s show…

U.S. intelligence officials want ABC News to reveal the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, who was interviewed by the network last month. The reporter claims that he was taken to a secret location for the interview and could not find it again, although he does remember there was a butler named Alfred.

This week, Michael Jordan announced his retirement, saying he wants to spend more time for himself, be a better parent, do some traveling…hey Mike, you couldn’t do more traveling than you did when you played against the Knicks, all right? Maybe you’d like to bring a ref along to overlook it just so you feel comfortable! [mixed reaction]…Uh! Ugh! Exactly. Everyone loves Michael, ha ha, come on, Kevin.

Executives from the Chicago Bulls insist that even without Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, and Dennis Rodman, the team can still repeat as NBA champions, with a little hard work, luck, and 90 points a game from Steve Kerr.

Rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested last night. How many times have I said that? All right? Maybe we should keep the cue card for this one. I’m getting déjà Wu! [laughs]…Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested last night after opening fire on two undercover cops. But fans, don’t worry about his career; to a rapper, shooting at cops is a cure for writer’s block. [very little reaction]…Am I making up songs? I’m sorry! It’s not Alanis Morissette out there, folks. [chuckles] It’s not Sarah McLachlan. Come on.

This week, Paula Jones received 850,000 dollars in the settlement from President Clinton. She said it will help her live her dream. To hire Diamond Dallas Page to beat up the guy who was [photo of Dirty Jack (see 11/14/98 WU)] mean to her on New Year’s Eve at the go-kart track. [some cheers]

Now, this is true–that money came out of Bill and Hillary’s joint checking account. Now that has to be an uncomfortable conversation. “Bill, what did you do with check 820?” “Ohh, remember I told you the Paula…thing? I didn’t it put it in the book.” “Oh yeah….Bill.”

Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura has chosen the Navigator as his official car, rather than the traditional Lincoln or Cadillac. People all over Minnesota will well up with pride when they cry out, “Here comes the governor’s truck!”

A customer filed for a four-million-dollar lawsuit against Starbucks this week after he was badly cut drinking an ice cappuccino laced with broken glass. When asked how he came up with the four-million-dollar figure, the customer responded, “I just want my money back.” [cheers and applause; says something unintelligible]

President Clinton has renominated James Hormel to be the ambassador to Luxembourg, after conservatives last year prevented a vote on his nomination. Come on, how important is Luxembourg? We’ve been eight months without an ambassador, we haven’t missed out on anything. Why are we friends with them? I’m not saying we need to be mean to them, but do we need an ambassador? Maybe if we see them at the U.N., we will give them a head nod, but that’s about it.

The anonymous fan who spent 2.7 million dollars for Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball also bought five other home run balls from the Sammy Sosa-McGwire home run race. He is expected to merge all the balls together to form the ultimate home run ball. I…I mean, he, will then trade the ball…for a trip on the space shuttle with a naked Jewel. Sounds like a good plan, come on! [cheers and some applause]

Amtrak is unveiling a European-style rail line, which links Eugene, Oregon and Seattle, Washington. Within a month after opening the high-speed line, the population of Eugene is expected to be zero.

David Kaczynski, the Unabomber’s brother, says that he’ll use the reward money he got from turning in his brother to establish a fund for the victims….Big deal! They’re not gonna cash the check; they’re not even gonna open the [envelope with return address “Kaczynski, Route 7, Schenectady, NY 00000] envelope!…Open that? Ugh! [cheers and applause]

Starting this week, the fee for filing a citizenship application is more that doubling from 95 dollars to 225 dollars. But as always, it is still cree – free to crawl under a fence. [no reaction] Ugh, of course you’re not gonna laugh! [mutters something] I, uh…

Colonial Williamsburg announced plans for a fake TV show with guests from 200 years ago. No, we already have a show like that. It’s called “The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder.” [mixed reaction]…So it’s Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Tom Snyder that you don’t joke about. I get it! All right.

It’s been a big week in sports. Here to provide us with his expert analysis on all the latest sports news, is one of the straighest shooting columnists in the country, the man who tells it like it is, sports reporter Brian Fellow.

[Pan over to Brian, a slightly effeminate guy, dressed in a pink shirt and tie with a black sportcoat for this appearance. Brian waves to the audience.]

Brian Fellow: Thank you, the Colin Quinn! I’m Brian Fellow!…Well, basketball fans around the world continue to be saddened by the…retirement of the greatest player in history, Michael Jordan….He may have accomplished things on the court, but Miss Jordan, you ain’t foolin’ nobody! I’ve seen you in those Hanes commercials. Trust me, Air Jordan is a friend of Dorothy’s.

Tomorrow afternoon, the Denver Broncos will host the New York Jets in a battle for the AFC title….Well, after studying these two teams all season, I predict this game will be decided by three words: Key, Shawn, and Johnson! [some cheers and applause]…Just look at what Keyshawn did last week to the Jacksonville Gou – Cougars! The Cougars! [makes a claw with his hand] Rrr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!…And Miss Johnson, we’re onto you too, honey! I’ve seen the way you dance in the hizzle! Ol’ T.O. Johnson has definitely been to brunch, if you know what I’m sayin’!

Colin: Now, hold on, Brian! You can’t just arbitrarily accuse people of things like that!

Brian: [upset] O – oh, no you didn’t! No you didn’t, I can’t believe you just disrespected me! Let me catch my breath for a minute! [composes himself]

In other football news, the Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons play for the NFC championship. Do you know how cold it is in Minnesota this time of the year? [while shaking his head and clutching his chest] Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Br-r-r!…If I was on the Vikings, as the– I – i – if I was on the Vikings, as soon as the game was over, I would…I would w – get in a warm bath and snuggle up in front of a fireplace with a big cup of cocoa. Mmm! I love warm fireplaces. And I love hot cocoa.

Colin: [sighs] Okay, Brian. Where exactly have you worked as a sports journalist?

Brian: [increasingly upset] Ah, no you didn’t!…I can’t believe you just disrespected me like that! How you gonna disrespect, my father used to try to disrespect me like that!

Colin: Hey, take it easy. Take it easy.

Brian: [still upset] You don’t even know me! You don’t even know me! Mr….New– Mr. “Update: Brooklyn Version”!…Yeah, unh, get those marbles out your mouth! [cheers]…If I was Ahmad Rashad, you wouldn’t even be tryin’ to disrespect me like that!…But because of who I am, you think you can just disrespect me, you don’t even know me! [calms down]…Wait a second, I do know you, Colin. I recognize you from the club!

Colin: No! That’s not me!

Brian: Yes, you do! [cheers]

Colin: No!

Brian: I recognize you from the club, Colin! [some applause mixed in] I’ve seen you in the clubs wit’ you and your big Italian friends!

Colin: Richie, no! No!

Brian: ‘Cause you had the muscle shirt on!

Colin: [over Brian’s last line] Brian Fellow, everybody!

Brian: I recognize you!

Colin: [over Brian’s last line] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

Brian: I recognize you…

[Update music drowns out Colin and Brian’s conversation]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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