SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 02/06/99: A&E Biography


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

A&E Biography

Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Paula Zahn…..Molly Shannon
Peter Graves…..Will Farrell
Bob Crane portrayer…..Chris Parnell
Mamisu…..Gwyneth Paltrow

(A&E Biography intro plays, cuts to Jack Perkins in a den, spinning a globe)

Jack Perkins: Welcome to Biography. I’m Jack Perkins. (groans as he sits in a chair) (audience laughs) If you’re like most Americans, you’re probably a big fan of the most popular show in the history of television. A show called “Biography.” And the chances are you’ve grown quite fond of the hosts of “Biography,” Peter Graves, and me. Little Jackie Perkins. (laughter) Well, guess what? I’ve been fired. A&E has decided to replace me and Peter with former “CBS This Morning” host, Harry Smith. (photo of Smith grinning) Ooooh. We thought you might be interested in learning more about this Harry Smith. And why A&E thinks he’s so freakin’ great! (laughter) So without further ado, “Biography” presents the story of Harry Smith. (music begins over photos of Hitler and a monkey)

Perkins voiceover: Harry Smith was the only son of Adolf Hitler and a baboon! (photo of Eddie Munster) At the age of five, this precocious lad was already despised as a back-stabbing phony by classmates. (photo of adult Smith) One of the few people who knows the real Harry Smith is his long-time co-host on “CBS This Morning,” Paula Zahn.

Paula Zahn: (being interviewed) Of all the things that impressed me about Harry, I would have to say the most compelling is his integrity. Both as a journalist and as a man.

Jack Perkins (off-camera): Why do you lie so much?!

Paula Zahn: Excuse me?

Jack Perkins (off-camera): He stinks, and so do you!

Paula Zahn: Hey, what the hell is going on here?

(photo of the Manson Family with a cut-out of Smith’s head pasted over one of its members)

Perkins voiceover: At the tender age of 23, Harry Smith fell in with Charles Manson and his infamous family. (laughter) (similarly doctored photo of Smith and Manson, Smith is grinning and has a swastika drawn on his forehead) Smith quickly turned a fun-loving bunch of musical hippies into drug-crazed murderers. Manson himself has described Smith as “creepy.”

(cut to Perkins in the den, finishing a beer bong) (laughter)

Jack Perkins: A phony! A creep! A big dummy. Harry Smith seems to wear many masks. (forlornly) This is a mask I found in a dumpster. (puts on a rubber Spider-Man mask) I wish I was Spider-Man. (laughter) I’d smother Harry Smith with my webs!

(Graves enters, puts his hand on the chair)

Jack Perkins: Ah, lookie here! (takes off mask) It’s my friend and former co-host Peter Graves.

Peter Graves: (reserved) Jack, you’re drunk. You’re making a fool of yourself. Stop it.

Jack Perkins: I can’t, Peter, this one’s going all twelve rounds! (laughter)

Peter Graves: Well, try and get a hold of yourself, Jack. This isn’t the end of the world. There’s plenty of good jobs out there for 70-year-old men with pleasant voices… Let me have that. (takes the beer bong and fills it)

Jack Perkins: Harry Smith’s career took a strange twist in 1979, when he murdered beloved “Hogan’s Heroes” star Bob Crane! (laughter and applause) (Graves takes a hit off the beer bong) In this dramatic re-enactment, we see Smith’s bloodlust at its terrifying peak.

(re-enactment in a hotel room, Crane is lounging on his bed in his “Heroes” costume looking at a magazine as a man enters.)

Bob Crane: Well well well, Harry Smith. Come on in. (stands up) I was just about to pop in a really freaky porno tape.

Harry Smith: (as portrayed by Jack Perkins) Damn you, Hogan! (hits him with a bat, Crane falls onto the bed) I’m Harry Smith, and I eat my own boogers! (continues to beat Crane while trying to shield himself from the camera)

Bob Crane: Nooo!

(end re-enactment)

(photo of Smith with a slight smirk)

Perkins voiceover: And, as he approaches middle age, Harry Smith still can’t stay out of trouble with the law.

(Clip of a foreign newscast, with subtitles saying “Harry Smith was arrested this morning for sniffing farts in El Hajani Square. He released a statement saying “I love smelling farts and I am a big dummy.'”) (laughter)

Jack Perkins: I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant, but nothing, I said nothing, can take away these blues ‘cause nothing compares, nothing compare–

Mamisu: Mr. Jack! Mr. Jack!

Jack Perkins: Well, it seems I’ve been joined by my wife Mamisu. (laughter) A vivacious young sparkplug I met during a recent fishing trip to Alaska.

Mamisu: Oh, please, Mr. Jack, come home! Mamisu make you feel all better.

Jack Perkins: Mamisu, I may eventually come home, but I’ll never feel all better!

Mamisu: You scare Mamisu with your crazy talk, Mr. Jack!

Jack Perkins: I scare myself, Mamisu. I really do scare myself! And I hope you’ve enjoyed our look at Harry Smith. For “Biography”, I’m Jack Perkins, nighty-night. (closing Biography video) (cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Joy

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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