SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 02/06/99: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12


98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

A Message from the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Vice President Al Gore…..Will Ferrell
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
White House Aide…..Chris Parnell
Betty Currie…..Tracy Morgan

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. As our distinguished Senate expeditiously winds down its constitutional duty, there has been talk among some Senators – Republican ones – of a need for an additional measure that would assert that I had committed crimes, despite my acquittal. The feeling is that without this measure, I will dismiss this entire impeachment as a meaningless partisan affair. Much the way you have.

(Laughs and does thumbs up)

There is also a concern that I and all my White House colleagues will gloat. And let me say now, and let me assure you and our distinguished senators, that as I successfully finish my term in office and complete one of the most prosperous periods in our history, I will not gloat. Let me assure you that my vindicated friend, Vernon Jordan, will not gloat. (Enter Vernon Jordan) Let me also assure you that my wife, Hillary, the next Senator from New York State, will also not gloat. (Enter Hillary Clinton) Neither will my Vice President, Al Gore, who waits quietly to decimate George Bush’s little son. (Enter Al Gore) Al Gore will not gloat. And finally, rest assured that Monica Lewinsky, my once and future girlfriend will also not gloat. (Enter Monica Lewinsky)

Because, why should we? Why should I gloat? I’ve been impeached! By the House of Representatives. (Chuckling amongst those behind him) Think about it. That’s a whole, big old House, filled with all kinds of important representatives. Like Henry Hyde. (Holds up picture of a horse’s rear end) Who was so eloquent when he… oh! I’m sorry! That wasn’t gloating! That was an honest mistake! Anyway.. (holds up picture of Henry Hyde) ..here’s to Henry Hyde!

(All take out mugs or bottles of beer)

All: To Henry Hyde!

President Bill Clinton: As you can see, we’re not drinking champagne. That would be gloating. We’re just drinking beer. And it’s not even good beer! It’s Pabst’s Blue Ribbon. It’s a beer for serious reflection and soul-searching. To serious reflection!

All: To serious reflection!

Al Gore: Al Gore in 2000!

President Bill Clinton: Monica, easy! (She is dripping beer all down her shirt because she is drinking so fast. Clinton smirks at the audience.)

White House Aide: Mr. President, the gentlemen are here. (Some men come in and hang streamers across the window behind Clinton)

President Bill Clinton: Ok, where were we? Oh, yeah. These party decorations are for a party of regret and shame, because I will not gloat. And right now, I’ve invited my dear secretary, Betty Currie, to express her feelings in dance form. Betty?

(Betty Currie enters and sets a boom box on the desk. She dances around in front of the desk to “Chain of Fools”)

President Bill Clinton: Betty has obviously been through a lot. This is not a gloating dance. It’s a serious dance of soul-searching and contrition. (Said as she shakes her butt at the audience) Senators, as you consider this motion to censure, or find me guilty without removal, let me say this: do whatever the hell you want. I don’t give a sweet rat’s ass. I’m staying. “Live, from New York, it’s Gloating Time!

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

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