Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 12
E! Impeachment Coverage
Todd Newton…..Jimmy Fallon
Melissa Rivers…..Cheri Oteri
Chief Justice William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell
Sen. Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Sharon Stone……Gwyneth Paltrow
Sharon Stone’s husband…..Colin Quinn
Rep. Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell
Andy Dick…..Chris Kattan
Betty Currie…..Tim Meadows
Todd Newton: Here we are at one of the sexiest, hottest events in the country: the impeachment trial of William Jefferson Clinton. I’m Todd Newton.
Melissa Rivers: And I’m Melissa Rivers.
Todd Newton: This has been so cool, Melissa! We’ve been camped out here since … since 4 o’clock this morning to talk to all the stars of the trial as they make their way down the red carpet.
Melissa Rivers: And, Todd, I’ve been pretty cold out here in just my Pamela Dennis gown and this Harry Winston choker; borrowed, of course!
Todd Newton: (laughs) Awesome! Wow! Here comes Chief Justice William Rehnquist! Bill, over here!
Melissa Rivers: Oh, come talk to E! E!
(Enter Chief Justice Rehnquist)
Chief Justice Rehnquist: Good morning!
Todd Newton: Bill is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He’s presiding over the impeachment trial.
Melissa Rivers: Yes, but you might also know him from Abortion! Right? Now, Bill, you look amazing! Who are you wearing?
Chief Justice Rehnquist: Actually, I designed this myself. I copied it from a “Gilbert and Sullivan” operetta I saw.
Melissa Rivers: Ooh! Ok, turn around! Can you see this?
(Rehnquist spins around to show off his robe)
Todd Newton: Awesome!
Melissa Rivers: Look at that! Yes, now, do you like dressing up for these events?
Chief Justice Rehnquist: I do. I think that people expect a little glamour and I’m happy to provide that…
Melissa Rivers: Oh my God! There’s Trent Lott! (Shoves Rehnquist out of the way. Exit Rehnquist)
Todd Newton: Trent! Over here! Talk to E!
Sen. Trent Lott: Hello, everyone! How’s it goin’?
Todd Newton: Wow! Trent Lott! I mean, that is just, that is just awesome! I’ve got to say, you are even more awesome in person than you are on C-SPAN.
Sen. Trent Lott: Well…
Todd Newton: I love you. I think you’re da bomb.
Sen. Trent Lott: Well, thank you, young man. Thank you kindly.
Melissa Rivers: Ok, Trent. You are the Governor of Missouri?
Sen. Trent Lott: No, the Senator form Mississippi.
Melissa Rivers: Ok. And you are a Republican. Now, uh, who do you think is going to win today?
Sen. Trent Lott: Well, it’s not about winning. I’m just happy to be impeaching the President.
Melissa Rivers: Hmm.
Todd Newton: Man, you are such a gentleman. Such a class act. Really, I love you.
Sen. Trent Lott: Thank you.
Todd Newton: I’m in love with you. I want to make love on you!
Sen. Trent Lott: No! Thank you. (Exits)
Todd Newton: Ma, I am like totally star-struck right now. I mean, Trent Lott! Awesome, I just met him!
Melissa Rivers: Ok, I did not like his hair. Oh, Sharon Stone! Talk to E!
Todd Newton: Sharon! Over here!
(Enter Sharon Stone and husband)
Melissa Rivers: Oh, Sharon! (gasps) Who are you wearing?
Sharon Stone: This was made for me by my good friend Vera Wang. Don’t you love it?
Melissa Rivers: I love you, Sharon! Now, are you testifying today or are you presenting?
Sharon Stone: I’m just here to promote my new movie, “Gloria.” (claps) And I am not going home until I meet Charles Rough, because I think that people in wheelchairs are the real heroes.
Melissa Rivers: Ok, great. Now, Sharon, is this your husband?
Sharon Stone: Yes, isn’t he creepy?
Todd Newton: Here comes Bob Barr!
Melissa Rivers: Bob! Talk to E!
Rep. Bob Barr: Hey Sharon.
Todd Newton: Now, Bob Barr. The Senate has set a deadline of February 12th to end this trial, but we here at E! just have to ask you…
Melissa Rivers: What did you think of “Patch Adams?”
Rep. Bob Barr: Well, I loved it. It’s a modern parable. And with Robin Williams, you always get something new and different. That guy is great.
Melissa Rivers: Hmm. Now, who are you wearing?
Rep. Bob Barr: Well, the suit is Today’s Man, and the shirt is a short-sleeved button-down. I don’t know if you can see this. It’s by Structure, and it’s a medium.
Melissa Rivers: Hmm. It’s a medium.
Todd Newton: Uh, Sharon. You can go inside now, if you want.
Sharon Stone: Actually, Todd, I prefer to stay on camera.
Todd Newton: Oh, ok. Here comes the couple of the hour. Look, it’s Betty Currie and Andy Dick!
Melissa Rivers: Betty! Come talk to E!
(Enter Betty Currie and Andy Dick)
Betty Currie: What’s up, freaks? Are you ready to party?
Andy Dick: Oh my God! Todd Newton! I would totally make out with you if we were both girls. (gasps) What did I say?
Melissa Rivers: Alright. You and Betty seem so in love.
Todd Newton: You guys look awesome together! Hey, do I see wedding bells.
Melissa Rivers: Oh! I just got married! Look at my ring!
Andy Dick: (gasps) Oh my God! Betty! I’d buy a ring like that for Betty if I weren’t so kooked up and gay! (gasps) What? Why am I talking?
Melissa Rivers: Ok! Don’t go away, anybody! E! will be right back!
Todd Newton: We’re live at the impeachment of the President with Bob Barr, Sharon Stone, Betty Currie, Andy Dick, Joan Rivers’ daughter and … hey, I think this might be the apocalypse. This is exactly what St. John predicted. Yup, here comes the wall of flame.
Melissa Rivers: Mom! Mom!
(Everyone runs away and the picture becomes blurry and red. The camera falls to the floor and Sharon Stone screams in it.)
Submitted by: Elizabeth C.