SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 02/06/99: Mary Katherine Gallagher


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Mary Katherine Gallagher

China…..Cheri Oteri
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicki…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Sister Harriet…..Paula Pell
Priest…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to interior, girl’srestroom, where girl gang The Black Angels enter ]

China: Oh, my God! I can’t believe we stole the community wine!

Ana: We would’ve gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn’t fallen out of your bra.

Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I’m just getting a good buzz going!

China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]

Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!

Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] “Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice.Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie.”

Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they’re tough enough to be a Black Angel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary KatherineGallagher!

Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?

Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in ourvicious gang!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw “The Patty Hearst Story” on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl.”

Nicki: You want to be one of us?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Ana: You’re about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!

[ Black Angels laugh ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!

Ana: That’s pretty good..

China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..

Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!

Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!

[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]

China: I’ll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ] [ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]

Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I’ve done it before.

Ana: Freak-y..

China: [ alarmed ] Hey, guys! Sister Harriet’s coming!

Nicki: Next sin is: you’ve got to insult a nun!

[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]

Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don’t forget – Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ] [ Black Angels reappear ]

Ana: I can’t believe you did that..

China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!

Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So,here’s the deal: China’s gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?

Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I’m an asthmatic, so if you’regonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?

Nicki: Oh, we’re gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.

Male Student: Hi..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?

Male Student: Okay..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]

Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My “Babyon 5” Internet chat room isnever gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs outexcitedly ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?

[ Black Angels laugh at her ]

Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain’t never gonna be in the Black Angels!

China: Yeah, dream on, headband!

Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] “You think that I’m afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I’m just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, ’cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I’ll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! ‘Causeif I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I’ll take my two bare hands and I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ] [ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China’s leather jacket and Ana’s cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]

Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What’s it to you, Collar?

Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does hervictory split ] Black Angel!

[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x