Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 12
98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies
Mary Katherine Gallagher
China…..Cheri Oteri
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicki…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Sister Harriet…..Paula Pell
Priest…..Will Ferrell
China: Oh, my God! I can’t believe we stole the community wine!
Ana: We would’ve gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn’t fallen out of your bra.
Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I’m just getting a good buzz going!
China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]
Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!
Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] “Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice.Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie.”
Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they’re tough enough to be a Black Angel?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary KatherineGallagher!
Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?
Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in ourvicious gang!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw “The Patty Hearst Story” on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl.”
Nicki: You want to be one of us?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.
Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.
Ana: You’re about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!
Ana: That’s pretty good..
China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..
Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.
Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!
Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!
[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]China: I’ll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ] [ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]
Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I’ve done it before.
Ana: Freak-y..
China: [ alarmed ] Hey, guys! Sister Harriet’s coming!
Nicki: Next sin is: you’ve got to insult a nun!
[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don’t forget – Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ] [ Black Angels reappear ]
Ana: I can’t believe you did that..
China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!
Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So,here’s the deal: China’s gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?
Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I’m an asthmatic, so if you’regonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?
Nicki: Oh, we’re gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.
Male Student: Hi..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?
Male Student: Okay..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]
Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My “Babyon 5” Internet chat room isnever gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs outexcitedly ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?
[ Black Angels laugh at her ]Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain’t never gonna be in the Black Angels!
China: Yeah, dream on, headband!
Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] “You think that I’m afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I’m just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, ’cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I’ll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! ‘Causeif I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I’ll take my two bare hands and I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ] [ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China’s leather jacket and Ana’s cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]
Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What’s it to you, Collar?
Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does hervictory split ] Black Angel!
[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]