Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 12
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Monologue
First Woman in Audience…..Paula Pell
Second Woman in Audience…..Tina Fey
Gwyneth: [ in english accent ] Thank you! Thank you very very much… Thank you. You are all… You are all very very kind, really. It’s absolutely brilliant to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I have had such a smashing year.[ First Woman in the Audience stands up ]
First Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth?
First Woman in Audience: I’m a big fan of yours. I loved you in “Shakespeare In Love” and “Sliding Doors,” and “Emma”. But I didn’t know that you were actually from England.
Gwyneth: Oh yes, I was born and raised there.
First Woman in Audience: Where exactly?[ Gwyneth ignores the Woman in the Audience and addresses a Man in the Audience ]
Gwyneth: You sir! Do you have a question?
Man in Audience: No..no..no… no I didn’t.
Gwyneth: Well, I miss home already. So many wonderful memories of England… the smell of sweetmeats and scones on St. Crispin’s Day.[ Second Woman stands up in the audience ]
Second Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth, aren’t you from New York?
Second Woman in Audience: Well I read in People Magazine that grew up in New York City… and your mom is Blythe Danner and your dad produced “St. Elsewhere”?
Gwyneth: Well I certainly don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you like some tea, love?[ Ben Affleck stands up in the audience ]
Ben: Hold On… Gwyneth! It’s me… It’s me Ben…
Ben: Ben! Ben Affleck.
Gwyneth: Oh-ho! Ben Affleck, the charming American actor I worked with in “Shakespeare In Love”.
Ben: Uhh… Gwyneth, why are you speaking inan English accent?
Gwyneth: English people always speak with English accents love! Oh you Yanks are so humourous.. spelled with a “O-U-R”.
Ben: But you’re not British. You’re American. You were born in Los Angeles, you were raised in New York. You’re whole family’s American. I know that.
Gwyneth: Well it’s odd that an American would know so much about me, an English woman.
Ben: I don’t know… I don’t really think it’s odd. I mean… you know.. we… you know… we DATED. We broke up like a month ago, it was in all the papers. Didn’t you read about it? You know what? You don’t have to do that. People will still take you seriously as an actress, you know, even if you’re American.
Ben: Yeah… don’t go all Minnie Driver on me, ok?
Gwyneth: Alright, well we got a great show for you tonight! The Barenaked Ladies are here. And they are just smashing… Oh no.. sorry. They’re great. Stick around we’ll be right back.