SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 02/06/99: Senate Voting



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12



98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Senate Voting

Judge William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell
Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Daschle…..Chris Kattan
Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri

Judge Rehnquist: Senators, I’m getting tired of these straight party-line votes. We need to find something to break this up. Did anybody see the Superbowl?

Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I saw the Superbowl, and I particularly loved that commercial with the little mouse wearing glasses. I mean, that was funny.

Tom Daschle: I thought it was ludicrous. Mice don’t wear goggles.

Judge Rehnquist: We’ll take a vote. Who thinks mice wear goggles, say Aye.

Republicans: Aye!

Judge Rehnquist: Those that think they don’t, say Nay.

Democrats: Nay!

[ GRAPHIC: MICE WEAR GOGGLES, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]

Judge Rehnquist: Apparently, whether mice wear goggles is a partisan issue. I give up. I guess we have to agree to disagree.

Republicans: Aye!

Democrats: Nay!

[ GRAPHIC: AGREE TO DISAGREE, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]

Judge Rehnquist: How can you not agree to disagree? That’s it, okay? We might as well order lunch, because we’re going to be here all day.

Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? If I may, I propose we get ourselves a pizza.

Tom Daschle: I say Chinese food.

Judge Rehnquist: How many for pizza?

Republicans: Aye!

Judge Rehnquist: Chinese food?

Democrats: Aye!

[ GRAPHIC: LUNCH, PIZZA: 55, CHINESE FOOD, 44 ]

Judge Rehnquist: It’s 55 to 44. Okay, who didn’t vote?

Mary Bono: Ah, I would like Falaffles.

Judge Rehnquist: We aren’t getting Falaffles. It looks like pizza. I hate to ask, but what toppings are we getting on the pizza?

Trent Lott: [ jubilant ] Pepperoni!

Tom Daschle: Mushrooms?

Mary Bono: Ooh! Let’s vote!

Judge Rehnquist: We’re not going to vote. 56% of the pizza will have pepperoni, the other 44%, mushroom.

Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I’d like to bring before the Senate a vote on whether more witnesses should be..

Judge Rehnquist: [ banging gavel ] We will not continue with this impeachment hearing until we can find some common ground. I can’t believe we can’t agree on anything. [ desperate ] Anybody have HBO? Have you seen those interminable promos for the “Tracey Ullman Show”?

Tom Daschle: Is that the one where she’s talking to her kid?

Judge Rehnquist: Yeah! Is it me, or is that show overrated? All those who agree, say Aye.

Everyone: Aye!!

[ GRAPHIC: TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW OVERRATED, AGREE: 100 ]

Judge Rehnquist: Finally! You all agree. Good. That show blows hard! [ anxious to continue ] Hey! Did you see on VH-1 that “Behind the Music” with Leif Garrett? Was that so sad, it was hilarious? All in favor, say Aye.

Everyone: Aye!!

[ GRAPHIC: LEIF GARRETT SO SAD IT’S HILARIOUS, AGREE: 100 ]

Judge Rehnquist: We are on a roll now, okay! That band N*Sync. They’re not that bad. In fact, they’re sexy. All those that agree, say Aye.

[ silence amongst stunned Republicans and Democrats ]

Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? That’s messed up.

Judge Rehnquist: [ quickly covering his tracks ] Those guys aren’t sexy. I was just trying to see if I could get you guys to say it. Okay, you know what? Enough! [ bangs gavel ] Now that we’ve broken the deadlock, back to the allowing of video testimony. All those in favor, say Aye..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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