Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 12
98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies
Judge William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell
Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Daschle…..Chris Kattan
Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri
Judge Rehnquist: Senators, I’m getting tired of these straight party-line votes. We need to find something to break this up. Did anybody see the Superbowl?
Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I saw the Superbowl, and I particularly loved that commercial with the little mouse wearing glasses. I mean, that was funny.
Tom Daschle: I thought it was ludicrous. Mice don’t wear goggles.
Judge Rehnquist: We’ll take a vote. Who thinks mice wear goggles, say Aye.
Judge Rehnquist: Those that think they don’t, say Nay.
Democrats: Nay![ GRAPHIC: MICE WEAR GOGGLES, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: Apparently, whether mice wear goggles is a partisan issue. I give up. I guess we have to agree to disagree.
Democrats: Nay![ GRAPHIC: AGREE TO DISAGREE, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: How can you not agree to disagree? That’s it, okay? We might as well order lunch, because we’re going to be here all day.
Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? If I may, I propose we get ourselves a pizza.
Tom Daschle: I say Chinese food.
Judge Rehnquist: How many for pizza?
Judge Rehnquist: Chinese food?
Democrats: Aye![ GRAPHIC: LUNCH, PIZZA: 55, CHINESE FOOD, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: It’s 55 to 44. Okay, who didn’t vote?
Mary Bono: Ah, I would like Falaffles.
Judge Rehnquist: We aren’t getting Falaffles. It looks like pizza. I hate to ask, but what toppings are we getting on the pizza?
Trent Lott: [ jubilant ] Pepperoni!
Tom Daschle: Mushrooms?
Mary Bono: Ooh! Let’s vote!
Judge Rehnquist: We’re not going to vote. 56% of the pizza will have pepperoni, the other 44%, mushroom.
Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I’d like to bring before the Senate a vote on whether more witnesses should be..
Judge Rehnquist: [ banging gavel ] We will not continue with this impeachment hearing until we can find some common ground. I can’t believe we can’t agree on anything. [ desperate ] Anybody have HBO? Have you seen those interminable promos for the “Tracey Ullman Show”?
Tom Daschle: Is that the one where she’s talking to her kid?
Judge Rehnquist: Yeah! Is it me, or is that show overrated? All those who agree, say Aye.
Everyone: Aye!![ GRAPHIC: TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW OVERRATED, AGREE: 100 ]
Judge Rehnquist: Finally! You all agree. Good. That show blows hard! [ anxious to continue ] Hey! Did you see on VH-1 that “Behind the Music” with Leif Garrett? Was that so sad, it was hilarious? All in favor, say Aye.
Everyone: Aye!![ GRAPHIC: LEIF GARRETT SO SAD IT’S HILARIOUS, AGREE: 100 ]
Judge Rehnquist: We are on a roll now, okay! That band N*Sync. They’re not that bad. In fact, they’re sexy. All those that agree, say Aye.[ silence amongst stunned Republicans and Democrats ]
Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? That’s messed up.
Judge Rehnquist: [ quickly covering his tracks ] Those guys aren’t sexy. I was just trying to see if I could get you guys to say it. Okay, you know what? Enough! [ bangs gavel ] Now that we’ve broken the deadlock, back to the allowing of video testimony. All those in favor, say Aye..[ fade to black ]