SNL Transcripts: Brendan Fraser: 02/13/99: You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 13

98m: Brendan Fraser / Busta Rhymes & The Roots

You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown

Lucy…..Ana Gasteyer
Charlie Brown…..Brendan Fraser
Linus…..Chris Kattan
Franklin…..Tim Meadows

[ open on cartoon image of Snoopy coaching Woodstock and other birds in a football locker room ]

Announcer: We now return to “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.”

[ dissolve to recognizable Peanuts scenery – brick wall in front of trees and other shrubbery. Lucy stands in front tossing a football up and down in her hands. ]

Lucy: Hey there, Charlie Brown! I’ve got an idea! [ Charlie Brown enters ] I’ll hold this football, and you come running up and kick it!

Charlie Brown: Ohh, no! Not this time! When I come running up, you’ll pull the ball away, and I’ll CLOBBER myself!

Lucy: Charlie Brown! Do you really think I’d do something like THAT, with the big game only WEEKS away!

Charlie Brown: Hmm.. hey. You’re right. Not even you would sink that low. This time, I’m gonna kick that ball to the MOON!! [ he takes a few steps back, as Lucy props the football in place ] Ready? Herrrrrrre.. I.. commmmmmmmmme!!!!!

[ Charlie Brown runs toward the football, as Lucy pulls it away and he goes flying offscreen stage left with a prolonged scream and a crash ]

Lucy: Ha ha ha ha ha!! Oh, Charlie Brown, you blockhead! You ALWAYS fall for that one!

[ Charlie Brown lets out a blood-curdling scream ]

Charlie Brown: God!! I’m HURT!! I’m hurt really BA-AD!!!

Lucy: [ pouting ] Good grief! what’s the big deal?! [ steps over to Charlie Brown, who is lying flat on the grass ]

Charlie Brown: [ gasping for breath ] I can’t — I can’t — [ touches the side of his head and glimpses the blood on his hands ] I — can’t — ohhhhhhh-ohhhhhhh!!!!

Lucy: There you go, you old failure — [ Charlie Brown turns his head, revealing a patch of blood where his head has busted open ] AAGGHHHHHH!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!! OH, GOD!!! OH, GOD, OH SWEET GOD!!! HOLD ON!!!

Charlie Brown: [ struggling ] Ohh.. ohh.. got to get up.. for the big game..

Lucy: [ crying ] No, just lie down! Okay?! Just lie down and keep very still!! Okay?! [ lays Charlie Brown back on the grass] HELP!!!! HELP!! Somebody, please get a freakin’ ambulance!!

[ Linus and Franklin step forward ]

Linus: What’s going on down here, Lucy? We heard all the commotion, and — [ notices the massive blood dripping from Charlie Brown’s head ] OH, MY GOD!!!!

[ Franklin holds his stomach, then promptly pukes his guts out ]


Lucy: I — I — I just — I just pulled the football away!!

Franklin: Yeah! And you split his head open like a melon!! [ glances down ] Oh, my God! His BRAIN!! That’s his BRAIN, man!!

Charlie Brown: [ struggling to stand up ] Got to.. feed my dog.. He’s a.. World War I.. fighter pilot —

Franklin: He’s going into shock!! Linus, give him your blanket!!

Linus: But it’s my security blanket.

Franklin: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

Linus: OKAY, TAKE IT!!!

[ Linus throws his security blanket down to Charlie Brown, which Lucy struggles to wrap around him ]


Lucy: I’m not a DOCTOR!!

Franklin: What do you MEAN you’re not a doctor?!! You’re always sitting in that cardboard booth that says “Doctor In, Five Cents!!”

Lucy: That was just a SCAM to make NICKELS!!


Charlie Brown: [ looking around ] Linus..? Linus..? Are you there..?

Linus: [ kneels down ] Yeah! Hi! It’s me, buddy!

Charlie Brown: You’ve gotta take care of my dog.. his best friend is a bird, named after a rock festival..!

Linus: Sure, I will, buddy! Sure, I will! [ glances up ] Lights, please? [ the house lights go dim ] “And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and said ‘The dead shall hear the voice of the son of God..'”

[ sirens blare, as an offscreenambulance pulls up ]

Lucy: Oh, thank God! The paramedics are here! Please help! My friend is very badly injured!!

[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]

Lucy: Yes! That’s right! He’s lost a LOT of blood!

[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]

Lucy: I don’t KNOW if he has any ALLERGIES!!!

[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]

[ piano theme rises ]

Announcer: We’ll return for the conclusion of “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.” Some scenes may not be suitable for younger children.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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