Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 13
You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown…..Brendan Fraser
[ open on cartoon image of Snoopy coaching Woodstock and other birds in a football locker room ]
Announcer: We now return to “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.”[ dissolve to recognizable Peanuts scenery – brick wall in front of trees and other shrubbery. Lucy stands in front tossing a football up and down in her hands. ]
Lucy: Hey there, Charlie Brown! I’ve got an idea! [ Charlie Brown enters ] I’ll hold this football, and you come running up and kick it!
Charlie Brown: Ohh, no! Not this time! When I come running up, you’ll pull the ball away, and I’ll CLOBBER myself!
Lucy: Charlie Brown! Do you really think I’d do something like THAT, with the big game only WEEKS away!
Charlie Brown: Hmm.. hey. You’re right. Not even you would sink that low. This time, I’m gonna kick that ball to the MOON!! [ he takes a few steps back, as Lucy props the football in place ] Ready? Herrrrrrre.. I.. commmmmmmmmme!!!!![ Charlie Brown runs toward the football, as Lucy pulls it away and he goes flying offscreen stage left with a prolonged scream and a crash ]
Lucy: Ha ha ha ha ha!! Oh, Charlie Brown, you blockhead! You ALWAYS fall for that one![ Charlie Brown lets out a blood-curdling scream ]
Charlie Brown: God!! I’m HURT!! I’m hurt really BA-AD!!!
Lucy: [ pouting ] Good grief! what’s the big deal?! [ steps over to Charlie Brown, who is lying flat on the grass ]
Charlie Brown: [ gasping for breath ] I can’t — I can’t — [ touches the side of his head and glimpses the blood on his hands ] I — can’t — ohhhhhhh-ohhhhhhh!!!!
Lucy: There you go, you old failure — [ Charlie Brown turns his head, revealing a patch of blood where his head has busted open ] AAGGHHHHHH!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!! OH, GOD!!! OH, GOD, OH SWEET GOD!!! HOLD ON!!!
Charlie Brown: [ struggling ] Ohh.. ohh.. got to get up.. for the big game..
Lucy: [ crying ] No, just lie down! Okay?! Just lie down and keep very still!! Okay?! [ lays Charlie Brown back on the grass] HELP!!!! HELP!! Somebody, please get a freakin’ ambulance!![ Linus and Franklin step forward ]
Linus: What’s going on down here, Lucy? We heard all the commotion, and — [ notices the massive blood dripping from Charlie Brown’s head ] OH, MY GOD!!!![ Franklin holds his stomach, then promptly pukes his guts out ]
Linus: LUCY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?!!!
Lucy: I — I — I just — I just pulled the football away!!
Franklin: Yeah! And you split his head open like a melon!! [ glances down ] Oh, my God! His BRAIN!! That’s his BRAIN, man!!
Charlie Brown: [ struggling to stand up ] Got to.. feed my dog.. He’s a.. World War I.. fighter pilot —
Franklin: He’s going into shock!! Linus, give him your blanket!!
Linus: But it’s my security blanket.
Franklin: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Linus: OKAY, TAKE IT!!!
Linus: LUCY, HELP HIM, FOR GOD’S SAKE!! YOU’RE A DOCTOR!!
Lucy: I’m not a DOCTOR!!
Franklin: What do you MEAN you’re not a doctor?!! You’re always sitting in that cardboard booth that says “Doctor In, Five Cents!!”
Lucy: That was just a SCAM to make NICKELS!!
Franklin: You TWISTED, SICK, SADISTIC FUSSBUDGET!!
Charlie Brown: [ looking around ] Linus..? Linus..? Are you there..?
Linus: [ kneels down ] Yeah! Hi! It’s me, buddy!
Charlie Brown: You’ve gotta take care of my dog.. his best friend is a bird, named after a rock festival..!
Linus: Sure, I will, buddy! Sure, I will! [ glances up ] Lights, please? [ the house lights go dim ] “And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and said ‘The dead shall hear the voice of the son of God..'”[ sirens blare, as an offscreenambulance pulls up ]
Lucy: Oh, thank God! The paramedics are here! Please help! My friend is very badly injured!!
Lucy: Yes! That’s right! He’s lost a LOT of blood![ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
Lucy: I don’t KNOW if he has any ALLERGIES!!![ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ] [ piano theme rises ]
Announcer: We’ll return for the conclusion of “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.” Some scenes may not be suitable for younger children.[ fade ]