SNL Transcripts: Brendan Fraser: 02/13/99: Male Escort


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 13

98m: Brendan Fraser / Busta Rhymes & The Roots

Male Escort

Zeke…..Brendan Fraser
Ramone…..Tracy Morgan
Carrie Donovan…..Ana Gasteyer

[ Open on Zeke and Ramone in a dimly-lit hotel hallway ]

Zeke: I’m nervous, Ramone.

Ramone: Look, look, don’t worry, man, the first time is always the hardest, man! An hour from now, you gon’ be a pro!

Zeke: I dunno if I can go through with this …

Ramone: Hey! You wanna get the $80, right? [ Zeke nods ] Well, you get in there and sex it up! You a stud, right? Say it!

Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud.

Ramone: All right, you a stud. I’ll be waitin’ for you in the van with Chico. [ leaves ]

Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud. I’m a stud. [ knocks on a hotel room door ]

Carrie: Who is it?

Zeke: [ weakly ] Uhh, it’s Zeke from Urban Escorts!

[ Carrie, a fashionista dowager, lets him in ]

Carrie: [ loopy voice ] Come in, Zeke! You’re fantastic! Let me take your coat! [ does so ] I’m such a fan of these wool pea coats! They’re the zenith of masculinity, yet they’re still wildly stylish!

Zeke: Uh, excuse me, aren’t you that lady from the Old Navy commercials?

Carrie: [ holding a cigarette ] Yes, darling, I’m famous. Does that turn you on? [ lights her cigarette ]

Zeke: Yes, ma’am.

Carrie: For God’s sake, call me Carrie. Take your shirt off for me, Zeke! [ he hesitantly unbuttons his shirt ] HURRY UP! I’m not playing around here! I like it FAST, and I like it WEIRD!

Zeke: [ now stripped down to a t-shirt ] Sorry, sorry …

Carrie: Your chest is fabulous!

Zeke: Thank you.

Carrie: [ as she walks him over to the bed ] A man’s nipples are part of his personal style. [ she pinches them one by one ]

Zeke: AAH! OOH!

Carrie: [ sits him down on the bed ] You don’t mind if Magic joins us, do you? [ a dog enters the bedroom ]

Zeke: I don’t think that this was part of the deal …

Carrie: I say what the deal is, Zeke! Get it?

Zeke: Yes, ma’am.

Carrie: It’s all about power, Zeke. Look at me — I’m almost 70! A young buck like you would never want me. Who knows if you even like girls? But thanks to the American public’s insatiable appetite for inexpensive cargo pants, I will have sex with you tonight.

Zeke: [ still nervous ] Okay. I’m ready. [ dims the lights ]

Carrie: Leave them on, please. Magic likes to watch.

[ he turns them back on ]

Carrie: [ holding a bottle of liquor ] You’re a fabulous looking boy, Zeke. I’m mad about your torso!

Zeke: Thank you.

Carrie: [ takes a swig from the bottle ] It’s time for a fashion show. Check out my performance fleece. [ she flashes him, and he lets out a scream ]Zeke: I’m sorry, I, I, I can’t do this, okay, I’ll just, I, I’ll get you your money back. Please, just don’t make me —

Carrie: [ now angry ] Don’t freak out! [ takes more swigs of rum ]

Zeke: [ gets down on his knees and begs ] Please, don’t call the service! I just — see, I lost my job and I need the money, and I just, I didn’t think it through, oh God — [ she slaps him in the face ] OW!

Carrie: Chill out, Zeke!

Zeke: [ in tears ] My name is Jason.

Carrie: [ shakes him by the neck ] I DON’T WANNA KNOW YOUR REAL NAME!! YOU’RE JUST A PIECE OF ASS TO ME!! [ her glasses fall off ]

Jason: [ in tears ] What am I doing? Oh God, what am I doing?

Carrie: [ slaps him again puts her glasses back on ] Be cool!

Jason: [ in tears ] Don’t hurt me, please, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me —

Carrie: Oh, shut up!

[ she breaks the bottle over his back and knocks him over ]

Carrie: [ back to her loopy voice ] Oh God, Magic, it’s happened again. We’ve gotta get out of here.

[ she exits with the dog, as Jason writhes in pain. Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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