Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 13
Carrie Donovan…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Open on Zeke and Ramone in a dimly-lit hotel hallway ]
Zeke: I’m nervous, Ramone.
Ramone: Look, look, don’t worry, man, the first time is always the hardest, man! An hour from now, you gon’ be a pro!
Zeke: I dunno if I can go through with this …
Ramone: Hey! You wanna get the $80, right? [ Zeke nods ] Well, you get in there and sex it up! You a stud, right? Say it!
Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud.
Ramone: All right, you a stud. I’ll be waitin’ for you in the van with Chico. [ leaves ]
Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud. I’m a stud. [ knocks on a hotel room door ]
Carrie: Who is it?
Zeke: [ weakly ] Uhh, it’s Zeke from Urban Escorts![ Carrie, a fashionista dowager, lets him in ]
Carrie: [ loopy voice ] Come in, Zeke! You’re fantastic! Let me take your coat! [ does so ] I’m such a fan of these wool pea coats! They’re the zenith of masculinity, yet they’re still wildly stylish!
Zeke: Uh, excuse me, aren’t you that lady from the Old Navy commercials?
Carrie: [ holding a cigarette ] Yes, darling, I’m famous. Does that turn you on? [ lights her cigarette ]
Zeke: Yes, ma’am.
Carrie: For God’s sake, call me Carrie. Take your shirt off for me, Zeke! [ he hesitantly unbuttons his shirt ] HURRY UP! I’m not playing around here! I like it FAST, and I like it WEIRD!
Zeke: [ now stripped down to a t-shirt ] Sorry, sorry …
Carrie: Your chest is fabulous!
Zeke: Thank you.
Carrie: [ as she walks him over to the bed ] A man’s nipples are part of his personal style. [ she pinches them one by one ]
Zeke: AAH! OOH!
Carrie: [ sits him down on the bed ] You don’t mind if Magic joins us, do you? [ a dog enters the bedroom ]
Zeke: I don’t think that this was part of the deal …
Carrie: I say what the deal is, Zeke! Get it?
Zeke: Yes, ma’am.
Carrie: It’s all about power, Zeke. Look at me — I’m almost 70! A young buck like you would never want me. Who knows if you even like girls? But thanks to the American public’s insatiable appetite for inexpensive cargo pants, I will have sex with you tonight.
Zeke: [ still nervous ] Okay. I’m ready. [ dims the lights ]
Carrie: Leave them on, please. Magic likes to watch.
Carrie: [ holding a bottle of liquor ] You’re a fabulous looking boy, Zeke. I’m mad about your torso!
Zeke: Thank you.
Carrie: [ takes a swig from the bottle ] It’s time for a fashion show. Check out my performance fleece. [ she flashes him, and he lets out a scream ]Zeke: I’m sorry, I, I, I can’t do this, okay, I’ll just, I, I’ll get you your money back. Please, just don’t make me —
Carrie: [ now angry ] Don’t freak out! [ takes more swigs of rum ]
Zeke: [ gets down on his knees and begs ] Please, don’t call the service! I just — see, I lost my job and I need the money, and I just, I didn’t think it through, oh God — [ she slaps him in the face ] OW!
Carrie: Chill out, Zeke!
Zeke: [ in tears ] My name is Jason.
Carrie: [ shakes him by the neck ] I DON’T WANNA KNOW YOUR REAL NAME!! YOU’RE JUST A PIECE OF ASS TO ME!! [ her glasses fall off ]
Jason: [ in tears ] What am I doing? Oh God, what am I doing?
Carrie: [ slaps him again puts her glasses back on ] Be cool!
Jason: [ in tears ] Don’t hurt me, please, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me —
Carrie: Oh, shut up!
Carrie: [ back to her loopy voice ] Oh God, Magic, it’s happened again. We’ve gotta get out of here.[ she exits with the dog, as Jason writhes in pain. Fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez