SNL Transcripts: Brendan Fraser: 02/13/99: Brendan Fraser’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 13

98m: Brendan Fraser / Busta Rhymes & The Roots

Brendan Fraser’s Monologue

…. Brendan Fraser
…. Tom Davis
…. Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Fraser!

[ Brendan comes out on stage and greets the applauding audience as the SNL band finishes playing ]

Brendan Fraser: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very very much! Oh, please! Thank you! Oh yeah … it is great — thank you! Oh, it’s great to be here in New York promoting my new movie — [ chuckles ] — I mean, hosting Saturday Night Live. But anyway, getting back to my new movie, Blast from the Past, it’s about a guy who spends his whole life in a fallout shelter. Now you know, not many people might know this, but Studio 8H, right here in Rockefeller Center, actually has an old fallout shelter. So I thought, you know, it might be fun, in a tricky way, to promote my new movie, if we went and took a look at it. So, come on!

[ He walks offstage, and the camera follows him to a nearby fallout shelter door. ]

Brendan Fraser: Now, this particular fallout shelter was built in 1958, at the height of the Cold War. It was in use until 1964, at which time it was … [ he hears rock music from inside the shelter ] My goodness, I … I think I hear somebody in there.

[ He twists the wheel, opens the door to the shelter and swats away the cobwebs as he walks inside. In the shelter, he finds a bearded figure with headphones on. ]

Bearded man: Whoa! Hey, man … [ turns off his stereo ] what’s up?

Brendan Fraser: I recognize you. You’re uh, you’re Tom Davis, from uh, Franken and Davis. You were uh, one of the original writers on the show!

[ They shake hands as the audience applauds ]

Tom Davis: Yeah. That’s right.

Brendan Fraser: Great to meet you, man. It’s amazing.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I know. I’ve been locked in this place since 1977.

Brendan Fraser: What happened?

Tom Davis: I dunno! I walked in here to get high, and suddenly the door was locked behind me. Hey, I have to ask, um, how did Roots end?

Brendan Fraser: Uh, the slaves were freed.

Tom Davis: Ohhh. Good.

Brendan Fraser: But Tom, what have you been doing in here all this time?

Tom Davis: Well, gettin’ high, and uh, I do my own version of Saturday Night Live with rats. [ points to a miniature stage full of rats wearing bee costumes ]

Brendan Fraser: Oh, my god.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I call it Raturday Night Live, and uh, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to train rats to do sketch comedy.

Brendan Fraser: Tom, this is amazing. Say, tell me, who hosts the show? Other rats?

Tom Davis: Normally, yes, uh, this week, though, it was Jon Lovitz.

Brendan Fraser: Oh. Well Tom, this just blows my mind. You know, this is really incredible, man!

Tom Davis: It is.

[ Enter Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Brendan, what are you doing in here?

Brendan Fraser: Oh, hey, look, Lorne, Tom Davis has been locked in here for 24 years.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, I know. I’m the one who locked him in here.

Brendan Fraser: What? Hmmm …

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Tom screwed me on an old pot deal. [ Tom shrugs, looks away. Lorne glances at the rat stage ] I see you’ve got a Mary Catherine Gallagher rat, huh?

Tom Davis: Oh yeah, well, we can listen to the show through the vent.

[ The Mary Catherine Gallagher rat breaks the miniature chalkboard. ]

Lorne Michaels: That rat is very, very talented. [ Dollar signs appear above his head as dreamy music plays. He envisions a marquee reading “RAT: THE MOVIE” and its rat-star getting photographed on the red carpet. ]

Brendan Fraser: Hey, uh, Lorne, snap out of it, man.

Lorne Michaels: Uh — Brendan, why don’t you go introduce the band, okay?

Brendan Fraser: Yeah, got it. [ he exits ]

Tom Davis: Lorne, you gotta believe me. I had no idea it was oregano.

Lorne Michaels: Right. You messed with the wrong man, Tom. [ exits the shelter ]

Tom Davis: Lorne, I bought it from Garrett! You gotta believe me! [ he quickly realizes that Lorne “accidentally” left the shelter door open, and makes a break for it ]

[ Cut to Home Base ]

Brendan Fraser: Hey, we’ve got a great show! Busta Rhymes is here with the Roots! Raise the roof! So you stick around, because we will be right back!

[ Applause, fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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