SNL Transcripts: Brendan Fraser: 02/13/99: Brendan Fraser’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 13

98m: Brendan Fraser / Busta Rhymes & The Roots

Brendan Fraser’s Monologue

…. Brendan Fraser
…. Tom Davis
…. Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Fraser!

[ Brendan comes out on stage and greets the applauding audience as the SNL band finishes playing ]

Brendan Fraser: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very very much! Oh, please! Thank you! Oh yeah … it is great — thank you! Oh, it’s great to be here in New York promoting my new movie — [ chuckles ] — I mean, hosting Saturday Night Live. But anyway, getting back to my new movie, Blast from the Past, it’s about a guy who spends his whole life in a fallout shelter. Now you know, not many people might know this, but Studio 8H, right here in Rockefeller Center, actually has an old fallout shelter. So I thought, you know, it might be fun, in a tricky way, to promote my new movie, if we went and took a look at it. So, come on!

[ He walks offstage, and the camera follows him to a nearby fallout shelter door. ]

Brendan Fraser: Now, this particular fallout shelter was built in 1958, at the height of the Cold War. It was in use until 1964, at which time it was … [ he hears rock music from inside the shelter ] My goodness, I … I think I hear somebody in there.

[ He twists the wheel, opens the door to the shelter and swats away the cobwebs as he walks inside. In the shelter, he finds a bearded figure with headphones on. ]

Bearded man: Whoa! Hey, man … [ turns off his stereo ] what’s up?

Brendan Fraser: I recognize you. You’re uh, you’re Tom Davis, from uh, Franken and Davis. You were uh, one of the original writers on the show!

[ They shake hands as the audience applauds ]

Tom Davis: Yeah. That’s right.

Brendan Fraser: Great to meet you, man. It’s amazing.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I know. I’ve been locked in this place since 1977.

Brendan Fraser: What happened?

Tom Davis: I dunno! I walked in here to get high, and suddenly the door was locked behind me. Hey, I have to ask, um, how did Roots end?

Brendan Fraser: Uh, the slaves were freed.

Tom Davis: Ohhh. Good.

Brendan Fraser: But Tom, what have you been doing in here all this time?

Tom Davis: Well, gettin’ high, and uh, I do my own version of Saturday Night Live with rats. [ points to a miniature stage full of rats wearing bee costumes ]

Brendan Fraser: Oh, my god.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I call it Raturday Night Live, and uh, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to train rats to do sketch comedy.

Brendan Fraser: Tom, this is amazing. Say, tell me, who hosts the show? Other rats?

Tom Davis: Normally, yes, uh, this week, though, it was Jon Lovitz.

Brendan Fraser: Oh. Well Tom, this just blows my mind. You know, this is really incredible, man!

Tom Davis: It is.

[ Enter Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Brendan, what are you doing in here?

Brendan Fraser: Oh, hey, look, Lorne, Tom Davis has been locked in here for 24 years.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, I know. I’m the one who locked him in here.

Brendan Fraser: What? Hmmm …

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Tom screwed me on an old pot deal. [ Tom shrugs, looks away. Lorne glances at the rat stage ] I see you’ve got a Mary Catherine Gallagher rat, huh?

Tom Davis: Oh yeah, well, we can listen to the show through the vent.

[ The Mary Catherine Gallagher rat breaks the miniature chalkboard. ]

Lorne Michaels: That rat is very, very talented. [ Dollar signs appear above his head as dreamy music plays. He envisions a marquee reading “RAT: THE MOVIE” and its rat-star getting photographed on the red carpet. ]

Brendan Fraser: Hey, uh, Lorne, snap out of it, man.

Lorne Michaels: Uh — Brendan, why don’t you go introduce the band, okay?

Brendan Fraser: Yeah, got it. [ he exits ]

Tom Davis: Lorne, you gotta believe me. I had no idea it was oregano.

Lorne Michaels: Right. You messed with the wrong man, Tom. [ exits the shelter ]

Tom Davis: Lorne, I bought it from Garrett! You gotta believe me! [ he quickly realizes that Lorne “accidentally” left the shelter door open, and makes a break for it ]

[ Cut to Home Base ]

Brendan Fraser: Hey, we’ve got a great show! Busta Rhymes is here with the Roots! Raise the roof! So you stick around, because we will be right back!

[ Applause, fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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