Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 13
Just Enjoy the Ozzy
Ted Gullerman…..Brendan Fraser
Tracy Wilford…..Molly Shannon
Singing waiter…..Horatio Sanz
Guitar waiter…..Jimmy Fallon
Flower man…..Chris Parnell
(opens with outside of restaurant Franklin´s, cut toinside, a couple holding hands at a table)
Tracy: God, I feel so close to you.
Ted: You look beautiful tonight.
Flower man: How about a rose for the lovely lady?
Ted: Oh, well yes, thank you.(pays the man)
Flower man: Here you go.(gives her the flowers)Have awonderful evening.
Tracy: (giggles) Oh, thank you. Thank you,(smellsflowers)uuummmm, hey, honey did you get the ticketsfor Spain yet?
Ted: I got them yesterday. We leave on the 7th.
Tracy: I´m so excited!
Ted: God, I love you.
(Man in tuxedo approaches table)
Singing waiter: How was everything tonight?
Ted: Oh,umm it´s pretty good.
Singing waiter: Wonderful, wonderful. Am I right inassuming that you two are a young couple in love?
Ted: I guess you could say that we are.(holds handswith Tracy)
Singing waiter: Well, will you like to hear somemusic?
Ted: Please, that would be great.
Singing waiter: Great. Here´s some Ozzy Osbourne. (Heis joined by waiter with an electric guitar. Theystart playing Crazy Train) ALL ABOARD!! HA, HA, HA!AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE! CRAZY BUT THAT´SHOW IT GOES, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO AS THERE TOLD,MENTAL WOUNDS STOP HEALING, DRIVING ME INSANE, I´MGOING OFF THE RAILS OFF THIS CRAZY TRAIN!!!AAAAHHHH!!!!(almost trips on table)
Ted: That´s enough!
Singing waiter: Feel free to hold hands.
Tracy: That was awful!
Singing waiter: May your love continue toblossom.(Makes signal to guitar waiter and leave)
Ted: I´m sorry about that.
Tracy: Yeah, you know maybe you should think about therestaurants that you choose!
Ted: You´re mad at me?!
Tracy: A winner wouldn´t let that happen.
Ted: I have never heard you say—
(Singing waiter returns running and excited)
Singing Waiter: Excuse me!, excuse me!! There´s anurgent phone call!! What´s your name?!!
Tracy: Oh, my goodness!! oh, oh, I´m Tracy Wilford!
Singing Waiter: And what´s your name!!
Ted: My name is Ted Gullerman.
Singing Waiter: Oh, yeah cause…(sinister voice) I AMIRON MAN!!(joined by guitar waiter, plays Iron Man)HASHE LOST HIS MIND, CAN HE SEE OR IS HE BLIND, CAN HEMOVE AT ALL, NOBODY KNOWS IF HE FALLS!! NOBODY LOVESHIM….(Almost falls over table)
Ted: Stop it!, stop it! Come on!
Singing Waiter: Are you not enjoying yourOsbourne?(Ted scoffs)
Tracy: Well, its that all the songs are about losingyour mind and not being able to walk and see.
Singing Waiter: I know. It´s quite marvelous. Ma´ammay I ask you a question?
Tracy: Yeah, sure. What?
Singing Waiter: You think you´re gonna have children?
Ted: I beg your pardon! That is not of your business!
Tracy: Yeah, well actually we have considered it.
Singing Waiter: Ok, good. So someday you´re gonna be amother. And I think that´s beautiful.(acoustic guitar,plays “Mama I´m Coming Home”) Times have changed,times are strange, here I come but I ain´t the same,Mama I´m coming home. Time goes by, seems to me youcould´ve been a better friend to me…(couple soften,hold hands)Mama…
Ted: I love you sweetie.
Singing Waiter:(cut to Paranoid, electric guitar)FINISHED WITH MY WOMAN CAUSE SHE COULDN´T HELP ME WITHMY MIND…
(takes pigeon from pocket and rips its head off withteeth, goes crazy knocking over the table. Horatio inhis crazy outburst smacks Molly in the faceunintentionally, Molly laughs uncomfortably offcamera)
Ted: Get out of here!
Manager: Excuse me. I´m sorry, excuse me. I´m themanager here. Is there a problem?
Ted: I say there is! These creeps keep playing OzzyOsbourne in our faces!
Manager: First off sir, Ozzy rules, ok? Second of all, whenyou stood up this bag of weed fell out of your pocket.(Throws it at Ted, catches it)
Ted: Hey, this isn´t…(Manager takes picture) What?!
Manager: Now you give us a thousand dollars or I´mcalling the police.
Ted: This is not mine! You just threw this to me andtook my picture!
Manager: I know that and you know that but the copswon´t know that when you go to jail.
Tracy: A winner wouldn´t let this happen, now! Comeon!
Ted: Honey!…here just take my credit card and leaveme alone!
Manager: Next time, you just enjoy the Ozzy and keepyour mouth shut!
(scene cuts to man in suit sitting in a brown leatherchair)
George Plimpton: Just enjoy the Ozzy and keep yourmouth shut. It´s amazing how much wisdom there is inthat simple sentence. Hi, I´m George Plimpton. Thenext time you find yourself in a difficult situationremember, “just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouthshut”. You´ll be surprised by how well it works.
(Flying High Again plays)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel