Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 13
The President On Trial
Tom Brokaw …. Chris Parnell
Bill Clinton …. Darrell Hammond
Jamie Gangel …. Ana Gasteyer
Linda Tripp …. John Goodman
[ Open on still of “NBC Special Report” ]
Male V/O: And now, an NBC Special Report with Tom Brokaw.
[ Fade to Tom Brokaw, in front of a title backdrop that reads “The President on Trial” ]
Tom Brokaw: On Friday, after months of impeachment turmoil, William Jefferson Clinton was acquitted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. Shortly after the Senate took the final votes on the articles of impeachment, President Clinton held a press conference in the White House rose garden. Let’s take a look at this historically moving address.
[ Fade to Clinton walking up to the podium. He gives thumbs-up as he declares … ]
Bill Clinton: I … am … bulletproof. [ walks off the podium, then walks back to say one more thing ] Next time, you best bring Kryptonite! [ gives thumbs-up and walks off ]
[ Fade back to Brokaw ]
Tom Brokaw: That was an obviously contrite Bill Clinton. So through this whole impeachment scandal, the one thing Democrats and the American people have agreed on is that Linda Tripp is a rat-fink. Therefore, she’s not one of … [ holds up his book for a plug ] … The Greatest Generation … which is number one on the New York Times bestseller list, for the second week in a row. [ puts down his book ] If you have NBC, CNBC, or MSNBC, you’ve probably seen this interview at least 60 times. Well, let’s take one more look at NBC’s own Jamie Gangel’s gripping interview with Linda Tripp.
[ Fade to NBC News Today segment ]
Jamie Gangel: Miss Tripp, no one … [ pauses to allow laughter to die down when the camera switches to a scowling John “Linda Tripp” Goodman ] … no one understands. No one. No one understands why you did what you did. You betrayed your friend by taping private phone conversations.
Linda Tripp: [ takes a deep breath ] … I don’t wanna talk about that. Not because I think it was a horrible, gutless, soulless thing to do, [ rolls eyes, quotes with fingers ] but apparently it’s “against the law” in the state of Maryland, and they want to prosecute me for it. [ eyes widen as she blinks ] Big time. [ scowls some more ]
Jamie Gangel: Do you feel bad about what you’ve done?
Linda Tripp: [ pause. she shrugs ] … What have I done?
Jamie Gangel: You went out of your way to betray a friend’s confidence, to end a relationship between two consenting adults, and in the process, caused an investigation that cost the American tax-payer tens of millions of dollars, all in the hopes of getting a book deal.
Linda Tripp: Well, if you put it that way … no. I did what I did because … I’m a patriot. As in, New England Patriot. I’m the new starting outside linebacker.
Jamie Gangel: What would you do if someone tried to tape your daughter’s conversations?
Linda Tripp: I would thank them.
Jamie Gangel: Really? Well, we taped your daughter on the phone, talking about you.
Linda Tripp: [ reacts in disgust ] … That’s so WRONG!
Jamie Gangel: Just kidding. [ Linda sighs of relief ] Linda, you are the most hated person in America.
Linda Tripp: I’m not sure that’s true.
Jamie Gangel: You have a 3% approval rating. Saddam Hussein has an 8. How does that make you feel, that 97% of America hates you?
Linda Tripp: [ giggles ] Feels like high school.
Jamie Gangel: You’ve been the butt of many jokes. What is your reaction to John Goodman’s impression of you on Saturday Night Live?
Linda Tripp: I think he’s a great actor … I can’t believe he didn’t get nominated for his part in The Big Lebowski … [ waits for the applause to die down ] … do yourself a favor — rent it.
Jamie Gangel: I will, but did you see King Ralph? It’s horrible!
Linda Tripp: [ gives a blank, icy stare ] … No need to bring that up. The guy’s gotta make some money!
Jamie Gangel: All of America is asking, why did you do it?
Linda Tripp: King Ralph?
Jamie Gangel: No! Tape Monica and try to bring down the president.
Linda Tripp: Oh, he was porking anything in skirts! But would he just come by and even say “Hello, Linda”? No, never. I didn’t want to sleep with him, although he does have sort of a … Patrick Duffy thing about him.
Jamie Gangel: You said, “America, I am you,” and they resoundingly said “No, you’re not.” How do you live with yourself?
Linda Tripp: Well … seven simple words: [ zoom in on her face ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”
Submitted by: G. Gomez