SNL Transcripts: Brendan Fraser: 02/13/99: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 13
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Larry Smith…..Tracy Morgan
Jerry Falwell…..Darrell Hammond
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn![dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ohh, hi! Thank you folks, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you. Well– [a woman cheers] Woo!
This week, the Senate voted to acquit the President of all charges against him. Immediately after the votes were counted, President Clinton received a phone call from the Denver Broncos congratulating him.
In her “Today” show interview, Linda Tripp claimed that what she did was her patriotic duty, and she would do it all over again. When she was then asked to define the word “patriot,” she answered, “A Jabba-the-Hut-like creature who betrays friends for book deals.”…Actually, though, you have to admit she looked good. On the interview. If she lost about 60 more pounds, she’d be Kato.
Now that the trial is over, Al Gore is spending the weekend rewriting the word “Vice” over the Wite-Out on his business cards. [delayed applause]
The video clips of Monica Lewinsky shown during the impeachment trial omitted some of the most intriguing parts of her testimony. Including that she considers herself obnoxious, angry, and a pessimist. Wow! All that and looks, too!
A man was removed from the Senate gallery and briefly detained last week for wearing a T-shirt to the impeachment trial that said, “Bill doesn’t inhale, he just sucks.”…He was released after this woman [photo of Barbara Bush] came to take him home. [some applause]
As King Hussein’s son, Abdullah, ascends to the throne of Jordan, his 28-year-old wife, Queen Rania, will become the youngest queen in the world. The second youngest: Prince Edward. [groans and boos]…Somebody had to say it first. You know what I mean?
On Tuesday, the Oscar nominations were announced; here to comment on the A – Academy selections, is an old friend of mine that I ran into on the street yesterday. He says he knows a lot about movies, so here he is: Larry Smith.[pan over to Larry, who’s dressed in Army clothing]
Larry Smith: All right! All right! What’s up, baby?
Colin: All right, Larry.
Larry: What’s up, Colin, man. How you doin’, all right?
Larry: All right. Yeah, right! Them Oscars are somethin’, man! I mean, the machinations among the studios and the critics, man, and the so-called Academy presents an interesting dilemma, man, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, you got Si – Saving Pr – Private Ryan – Ryan, right? Now, these fellas gonna go back behind enemy lines and save Private Larry? It ain’t gonna happen, I mean, that’s naive. ‘Cause that ain’t what war is all about, Colin.
Colin: I’m sorry, Larry. You were in the war?
Larry: Yeah, man, I was in Germany in 1974, Colin, in Hamburg! Yeah! You heard of the 82nd Airborne?
Larry: Yeah! [chuckles] I was – I was in in the 83rd Airborne! They would bring us in when the 82nd got tired….But as far as what we was communicating about before, as pertaining to the Oscars and that particular mutually massive Battalial display would dig it! You know what I’m sayin’? It’s like, you got The Thin Red Line. I mean, that line is a lot thinner and a lot redder than people realize! I mean, you got The [takes a box of cigarette paper out of his front pocket] Gods and the Monsters, you know, but – but who’s the gods, you know? [takes out a piece of cigarette paper and starts rolling it] I mean, who’s the monsters, you know? [At this point, Colin starts trying to cut in and stop Larry, but he can’t cut into his ramblings and becomes nervous.] It’s crazy, man. I mean, [takes a bag of marijuana out of his side pocket] dig it, Colin! I mean…my god might be your monster, understand what I’m sayin’, Colin, and vice-versa! You know? So…ultimately [puts some of the marijuana on the piece of paper and begins to roll it up into a joint]…ultimately, you could say we was out here to, uh, discuss the Oscars! But thi – this might not be where they need – the place where we need to discuss this, you know? I don’t know, I know what you’re saying. I know what you’re saying, you know?…[licks the open end of his joint] But what’s that got to do with the Oscars, you know, but Colin, this is like the Rashaan situation, you know? [licks the open end of the joint again and seals it up]…At which every angle you look at me, there’s another angle! You know? You know where I’m comin’ from, right? You know where I’m comin’ from.
Colin: Yeah, Larry, you can’t light that up in here.
Colin: You shouldn’t be doing that now.
Larry: I’m – I’m sorry, I forgot, baby. I’m sorry, I apologize, Colin. But you know, hey listen, as far as the movies go, man, like I always say, life is beautiful.
Colin: Oh, so you think Life Is Beautiful will be the winner?
Larry: Nah, nah, nah! That’s just what I wrote on my flak jacket when I was in the service.
Colin: Great, Larry.
Larry: Life is beautiful!
Colin: Yeah, life is beautiful, that’s great.
Larry: But thanks for puttin’ me on, Colin, man. You still my man, 50 grand, you know what I’m sayin’? You know where the party gonna be at tonight?
Colin: Larry Smith, everybody! [Larry offers him the joint] No, Larry. Come on. Put it away.
After playing only two games for the New York Knicks, forward Latrell Sprewell is going to miss the next three to six weeks due to a broken foot. Suspicious team doctors are now examining coach Jeff Van Gundy to see if he’s got a bruised ass….Ahh, you know you’re…
The woman who broke into Brad Pitt’s home and was found sleeping there in his clothes was ordered to stay a hundred yards away from him from now on. Presidential advisor Sidney Blumenthal has characterized the woman as an intern. [little reaction]
The Pope this week condemned human cloning, saying that human life had to be protected against any violation of its dignity. The Pope coming out against cloning is a little ironic, when you think about it. I mean, if you lined up the last 50 popes, could you tell one from the other?…There is no more.
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos graces the 36th annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, hitting newsstands this week. Rebecca, congratulations. Good luck with your career. I’ll be pulling for you. [some cheers and applause]
A plan…a plan in Michigan to use billboards of Ted Nugent urging drivers to buckle up is a success. Michigan authorities claim a sharp increase in seatbelt use among men who drive pickups. Scientists call the program dangerous because it interferes with the process of natural selection.
Researchers reported this week that silicone breast implants can cause cancer in laboratory mice….What kind of lonely, demented scientist spends his day giving mice boob jobs?…We’re all tryin’ to make a buck, bud.
This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell created quite a controversy when he claimed that one of the Teletubbies, Tinky-Winky, was most likely gay. Here to defend that position is the Reverend Jerry Falwell.[pan over to Jerry, who has a Tinky-Winky doll face down on the desk]
Jerry Falwell: I want to thank you, Colin. Thank you for having me on. I’m sure this is very cute for a lot of people out there, but I want you to know: if you are an evangelical Christian like me, then you know this [shows the doll] Tinky-Winky character poses a real threat to our children.
Colin: Ho – how can you say that? What could be threatening about that doll? You hug him, he says, “Bye-bye!” [Jerry laughs] and, “Big hugs!”
Jerry: Oh, no, Colin! That’s not all he says! Every word out of this little fellow’s mouth is full-on gay!…Listen to this: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Do you like watching figure skating on TV?
Jerry: Here’s another… [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Let’s go shopping at the flea market!
Jerry: I don’t know about you, Colin. But I don’t spend my time shoppin’ at the flea market!
Colin: I’ll admit that was a little weird. But I don’t know how you can [Jerry chuckles] conclude–
Jerry: Colin! I’m no expert in what the gays like…but I say that sounded pretty immoral. I mean, imagine giving this little toy to a two-year-old boy and this is what he hears: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: My dream is to open a bed and breakfast in an old Victorian!
Jerry: That’s terrible. Terrible! [squeezes the doll’s stomach] [At this point, the doll begins sounding really gay.]
Tinky-Winky doll: I wish my mother would give it a rest!
Jerry: [disgusted] Oh…
Tinky-Winky doll: I want to be Donna Summer!
Colin: Okay. Stop it. That’s you!
Jerry: What’s me?
Colin: That’s your voice!
Colin: You just recorded a bunch of stuff to try and prove your point!
Jerry: Oh no, I didn’t! I don’t know how you could say that, you scoundrel! Here, listen to this: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: I like to get naked and watch wrestling!
Jerry: Colin…[Jerry squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: I like soaping up other dudes!
Jerry: Colin…Colin… [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: [in a whisper] “Frasier” is my favorite TV show!
Colin: Get outta here!
Jerry: Oh, I’m leavin’, Colin! But today it’s these Teletubbies; tomorrow, the gays will be in everything! You won’t be able to pick your nose without findin’ a gay up there! I’m warnin’ you, Colin! The gays are comin’! Listen to the gay doll! [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Valley of the Dolls is so bad, it’s good!
Jerry: [is completely repulsed by now] Ohh…
Colin: Get outta here!
Jerry: …ho ho ho…
Colin: Jerry Falwell, everybody!
Jerry: …oh ho…
Colin: The newly crowned Miss USA said that she will put her four-and-a-half-year relationship with her boyfriend on hold, while she concentrates on her duties as Miss USA. Sure she will. Hey, buddy! Bye bye, buddy!…She’ll be callin’ you from Mumbai, you’re at the local bar shooting darts. “Honey, I just call a call–” “Oh, that’s nice, I gotta go.” My advice to you, pal: just wait ’til she gets through her little sowing of wild oats, and hope she doesn’t run into the two words that will change your relationship forever: Tommy Lee.
In Seoul, Korea, 120,000 followers of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon were married in a mass ceremony. Two hours later, power went out as 60,000 DJs played “The Electric Slide.” [little reaction]
Virginia this week passed a bill…that could bar New York City from shipping our trash here. If this happens, the city will continue to be forced to put its trash out on the curb. And by curb, I mean New Jersey. [mixed reaction]
Neil Young is teaming up with his former bandmates, Crosby, Stills & Nash, to record their first studio album in years. The new album will be entitled CSN, and for the Love of God, Y?
The Air Force is quadrupling its advertising budget in hopes of increasing the number of recruits. This means Top Gun will be shown 40 times a month on TBS instead of the usual 10.
George Michael is breaking up with his long-time boyfriend. Friends say they could tell it was over when the two started using separate stalls. [some groans]
According to U— a USA Today poll, men in the Northeast spend more than double what men in the Midwest spend on Valentine’s Day gifts. The reason for this is that roses and jewelry cost a lot more than an ear of corn and a Richard Marx CD.
And now here with some thoughts on Valentine’s Day is Jimmy Fallon.[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin. [Colin laughs]…Thanks a lot, Colin. You know, last time I was here, I – I did some Halloween carols, a – and I got a lot of candy. So I – so I figured…it’s – i – since Valentine’s Day is around the corner, why not make Valentine’s Day versions of some of my favorite songs, and sing them? You know, I – I’ll do something like, uh…[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind; lights dim to a reddish color]
“It’s almost the 14th of February
So try and guess why I’m so depressed
Wish you would send that Valentine, my friend
You should see the junk mail and all the bills that I’ve been getting in
And if I get one more thing from Ed McMahon
I’ll kill my mailma-a-an.” [end of song; cheers and applause]
You know, something like that.
Colin: Hey, you said you get a lot of candy when you sang the Halloween carols. What do want from these songs, Valentines?
Jimmy: Valentines, candy, maybe a little lovin’….Everyone needs a little love, Colin, you know?[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Lullaby” by Shawn Mullins]
“She said she likes heart candy
I said, “Yeah, who doesn’t?”
She likes the little candies, her favorite ones with the hearts
With all the words on them like “hug me,” “kiss me,”
And “miss you” and “cutie pie.” Now I said,
“If I get those things then maybe tonight
You’ll be mine.”
She said, “You’re a complete idiot.
‘Cause it’s almost midnight on Valentine’s Day
And I haven’t gotten one damn candy.” And I said…
Took her hand, brushed back her hair, and I sang to her
I said, “I know a place, it’s open up all night
Valentine.” [end of song]
You know, you can just [cheers and applause]…you can just, [Colin and Jimmy laugh] it’s easy. You can just call people up…call people up on the phone, you know?[plays guitar and sings a parody of “You Get What You Give” by New Radicals]
“It’s three o’clock in the morning
A wasted Valentine’s night, right
My ex-girlfriend’s getting a phone call
Tonight…I got tequila in me
Don’t hang up, it’s your ex-boyfriend, Jimmy
I am drunk, had six Long Island Iced Teas
I love you, won’t you come back to me, please?” [end of song; cheers and applause]
So don’t, uh…so don’t be surprised if, uh…guess what? [Colin and Jimmy laugh] Don’t be surprised if someone throws a pebble at your upstairs bedroom window and serenades you with this:[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Ray of Light” by Madonna]
“I got myself a Whitman’s Sampler chocolate
It comes with a diagram that describes every one
And it’s sealed in a heart-shaped box, and it’s sealed
And it’s sealed in a stay-fresh box, and it’s sealed
[Cheers and applause as the studio darkens while he holds the word “sealed.” A strobe light flashes on Jimmy as he stands up and starts jumping up and down.]Will you be my Valentine?
Will you be my Valentine?
Will you be my Valentine?” [end of song] [cheers and applause as he sits back down and lights return to normal]
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody! Jimmy Fallon! [Jimmy waves to the audience] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.[Colin laughs; he and Jimmy shake hands] [fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson