SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/99: A Bear Ate My Parents!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 14


98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

A Bear Ate My Parents!

Drunken Maniac….Horatio Sanz
David….Chris Parnell
Male Guest….Bill Murray
Female Guest….Ana Gasteyer
Punched Guy….Will Ferrell
Man in Bear Costume….Jimmy Fallon

[Opens with a very elegant, very uber fashionableapartment. There is a party, everyone is dressed inthe latest fashion clothes. 15 guests more or less arearound with drinks on their hands. A female guestmakes a toast]

Female Guest: I want to take this time andcongratulate David on his new spring line.

[some applause]

David: Thank you. Thank you all so much for yoursupport. It really means a lot to me. Ummm, go back tohaving fun.[laughs]

Female Guest: It really was a great show.

David: Thank you.

Female Guest: And your apartment looks so great. Ilove it.

David: Yeah, it’s getting there, yeah.

[A guy in a jean jacket screams to a group of goodlooking women]

Drunk Maniac: YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS!!!

David: I guess somebody doesn’t like it.[laughs]

Drunk Maniac:[breaks bottle]I WANT MORE BOOZE!!

David: Ok, what’s going over there?

Male Guest: Hey, I’m really sorry about his.

David: Is he drunk?

Male Guest: Yeah, well, a little, but he’s a very dear friend.

Drunk Maniac: YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!!!!

[crashing noise, glass breaking]

David: Ok, I want him out of here.

Male Guest: Listen, I think you should know this. Hisparents were eaten by a bear.

Female Guest: Oh, my God! That is horrible!

David: Oh, I had no idea.

Male Guest: He’s going through a very, very rough time.

[Drunken maniac stands beside them]

Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!

David: I’m sorry about what happened.

Male Guest: We’re gonna get you through this, man. Come on.

Drunk Maniac: It just wouldn’t stop eating them!! Itwouldn’t stop!![takes a picture from thewall]AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!A BEARATE MY PARENTS!!!![Destroys the painting, cries loudly]

David: Shouldn’t we take him outside?

Male Guest: Oh, yeah. That’s the best treatment forsomeone whose parents were eaten by a bear. Kick himoutside. Where the bears are!

David: I’m very sorry.

[Drunken maniac stops a guest]

Drunk Maniac: I love them and a BEAR ATE THEM!!!!

[Punches the guy in the face, knocks plant over]

David: How did this happened?

Male Guest: Well, he only talks about them when he’sdrunk. But I sort of pieced together the story fromhis drunken ramblings. Oh, no….

[Drunken maniac is taking a piss in a potted plant]

Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!

Male Guest: He was home with his parents late at nightwatching TV and suddenly this huge grizzly bearsmashes through the sliding glass door.

Drunk Maniac: We should’ve gone out that night!!

[throws heavy object into the TV screen, TV explodes]

Male Guest: He was completely paralyzed with fear. Hesat there for two and half hours while this bear ate his parents.

Female Guest: Oh, that’s awful!

Male Guest: No one and I mean no one!! Should have towatch his parents being eaten by a bear.

David: Well, I wasn’t arguing with you.

Male Guest: Well, it sounded like you were!

Drunk Maniac: MAKE THE BEAR GO AWAY!!!

[Throws statue into glass table smashing it to pieces]

Male Guest: It’s all right everybody. His parents were eaten by a bear.

Crowd: Awwwwwww!![understanding responses]

Drunk Maniac: It should’ve been me![cries]

David: Now, don’t say that. That’s not true![comforts him]

Drunk Maniac: My parents are in the stomach of a bear!

Male Guest: We’re here for you, buddy. We’rehere.[comforts him too]

Drunk Maniac: The bear, the bear….used my parentsfor calories so he could run and climb. But my parentswere much more than bear calories. THEY WERE MYPARENTS!![cries loudly, more comfort towards him]

David: Listen, why don’t you sit on my couch? And Ican get you some coffee or something. Ok?

[They go to the couch]

Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO THROW THIS DAMN COUCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!

David: No, please!

Drunk Maniac: COME ON! LET’S DO IT!!

[Starts lifting the couch and some people help him lift it]

David: Oh, my God! Why are you helping him?

Punched guy: His parents were eaten by a bear!

Female Guest: Good God, David! I’ll pay for yourprecious couch if you want! It’s no big deal.

Drunk Maniac: NO MORE BEARS!!

[With a little help from his friends he throws thecouch out the window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]

Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MYPARENTS!![He’s hugged by male guest]

Male Guest: Oh, let it out. Let it all out!

David: He’s obviously going through a lot of pain.When did this happen?

Male Guest: 22 years ago this week.

David: What?!

Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE STEREO!!

Male Guest: What? Is there a time limit on this kind of thing?

David: Yes!

Male Guest: I suppose the fact that they were only histemporary foster parents changes things too, huh?

David: Yes!

Drunk Maniac: Spielberg had just directed “Jaws” andthen….A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!![cries]

David: I am calling the police.[Drunken maniac knockstelephone to the floor. Ding-Dong. The door] Oh, good.Well, maybe somebody called them already.

[Door is opened and a candy gram arrives of a mandressed as a grizzly bear holding flowers]

Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! OH, NO!!! YOU CAMEBACK FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

[Drunken Maniac jumps out the glass window, fallingdown whistle, crashing below sounds]

Man in bear costume: [sings with littleenthusiasm] Congratulations dear David on a bear of afashion show.[gives David the flowers, leaves]

Female Guest: I thought you’d think it was kitschy.

Drunk Maniac:[From the street below] A bear ate my parents!!!

Punched guy: [looking out the window] He missed the couch.

Male Guest: I think I’ve come without money. You thinkyou could loan me 20 dollars?

David: Sure.

[gives him the $20]

Male Guest: Oh, thanks.

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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