Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 14
A Bear Ate My Parents!
Drunken Maniac….Horatio Sanz
Male Guest….Bill Murray
Female Guest….Ana Gasteyer
Punched Guy….Will Ferrell
Man in Bear Costume….Jimmy Fallon
[Opens with a very elegant, very uber fashionableapartment. There is a party, everyone is dressed inthe latest fashion clothes. 15 guests more or less arearound with drinks on their hands. A female guestmakes a toast]
Female Guest: I want to take this time andcongratulate David on his new spring line.[some applause]
David: Thank you. Thank you all so much for yoursupport. It really means a lot to me. Ummm, go back tohaving fun.[laughs]
Female Guest: It really was a great show.
David: Thank you.
Female Guest: And your apartment looks so great. Ilove it.
David: Yeah, it’s getting there, yeah.[A guy in a jean jacket screams to a group of goodlooking women]
Drunk Maniac: YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS!!!
David: I guess somebody doesn’t like it.[laughs]
Drunk Maniac:[breaks bottle]I WANT MORE BOOZE!!
David: Ok, what’s going over there?
Male Guest: Hey, I’m really sorry about his.
David: Is he drunk?
Male Guest: Yeah, well, a little, but he’s a very dear friend.
Drunk Maniac: YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!!!![crashing noise, glass breaking]
David: Ok, I want him out of here.
Male Guest: Listen, I think you should know this. Hisparents were eaten by a bear.
Female Guest: Oh, my God! That is horrible!
David: Oh, I had no idea.
Male Guest: He’s going through a very, very rough time.[Drunken maniac stands beside them]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
David: I’m sorry about what happened.
Male Guest: We’re gonna get you through this, man. Come on.
Drunk Maniac: It just wouldn’t stop eating them!! Itwouldn’t stop!![takes a picture from thewall]AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!A BEARATE MY PARENTS!!!![Destroys the painting, cries loudly]
David: Shouldn’t we take him outside?
Male Guest: Oh, yeah. That’s the best treatment forsomeone whose parents were eaten by a bear. Kick himoutside. Where the bears are!
David: I’m very sorry.[Drunken maniac stops a guest]
Drunk Maniac: I love them and a BEAR ATE THEM!!!![Punches the guy in the face, knocks plant over]
David: How did this happened?
Male Guest: Well, he only talks about them when he’sdrunk. But I sort of pieced together the story fromhis drunken ramblings. Oh, no….[Drunken maniac is taking a piss in a potted plant]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
Male Guest: He was home with his parents late at nightwatching TV and suddenly this huge grizzly bearsmashes through the sliding glass door.
Drunk Maniac: We should’ve gone out that night!![throws heavy object into the TV screen, TV explodes]
Male Guest: He was completely paralyzed with fear. Hesat there for two and half hours while this bear ate his parents.
Female Guest: Oh, that’s awful!
Male Guest: No one and I mean no one!! Should have towatch his parents being eaten by a bear.
David: Well, I wasn’t arguing with you.
Male Guest: Well, it sounded like you were!
Drunk Maniac: MAKE THE BEAR GO AWAY!!![Throws statue into glass table smashing it to pieces]
Male Guest: It’s all right everybody. His parents were eaten by a bear.
Crowd: Awwwwwww!![understanding responses]
Drunk Maniac: It should’ve been me![cries]
David: Now, don’t say that. That’s not true![comforts him]
Drunk Maniac: My parents are in the stomach of a bear!
Male Guest: We’re here for you, buddy. We’rehere.[comforts him too]
Drunk Maniac: The bear, the bear….used my parentsfor calories so he could run and climb. But my parentswere much more than bear calories. THEY WERE MYPARENTS!![cries loudly, more comfort towards him]
David: Listen, why don’t you sit on my couch? And Ican get you some coffee or something. Ok?[They go to the couch]
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO THROW THIS DAMN COUCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!
David: No, please!
Drunk Maniac: COME ON! LET’S DO IT!![Starts lifting the couch and some people help him lift it]
David: Oh, my God! Why are you helping him?
Punched guy: His parents were eaten by a bear!
Female Guest: Good God, David! I’ll pay for yourprecious couch if you want! It’s no big deal.
Drunk Maniac: NO MORE BEARS!![With a little help from his friends he throws thecouch out the window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MYPARENTS!![He’s hugged by male guest]
Male Guest: Oh, let it out. Let it all out!
David: He’s obviously going through a lot of pain.When did this happen?
Male Guest: 22 years ago this week.
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE STEREO!!
Male Guest: What? Is there a time limit on this kind of thing?
Male Guest: I suppose the fact that they were only histemporary foster parents changes things too, huh?
Drunk Maniac: Spielberg had just directed “Jaws” andthen….A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!![cries]
David: I am calling the police.[Drunken maniac knockstelephone to the floor. Ding-Dong. The door] Oh, good.Well, maybe somebody called them already.[Door is opened and a candy gram arrives of a mandressed as a grizzly bear holding flowers]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! OH, NO!!! YOU CAMEBACK FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!![Drunken Maniac jumps out the glass window, fallingdown whistle, crashing below sounds]
Man in bear costume: [sings with littleenthusiasm] Congratulations dear David on a bear of afashion show.[gives David the flowers, leaves]
Female Guest: I thought you’d think it was kitschy.
Drunk Maniac:[From the street below] A bear ate my parents!!!
Punched guy: [looking out the window] He missed the couch.
Male Guest: I think I’ve come without money. You thinkyou could loan me 20 dollars?
David: Sure.[gives him the $20]
Male Guest: Oh, thanks.[fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel