SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/99: The Quotable Caddyshack


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 14

98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

The Quotable Caddyshack

…..Bill Murray
…..Chevy Chase
Yuppie 1…..Will Ferrell
Yuppie 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Yuppie 3…..Chris Parnell
Yuppie 4…..Horatio Sanz
Job Applicant…..Tim Meadows
Karen…..Ana Gasteyer
Priest…..Darrell Hammond

[Box of the film Caddyshack]

Announcer: You’re a white male between the ages of 15 to 41, chances are you love quoting lines from “Caddyshack”.

[Four yuppies stand on a busy sidewalk]

Yuppie 1: [laughing] Remember when that one guy goes: “Miss it, Noonan! Miss it! Miss it!” That rules!

Yuppie 2: : No, no, no…Rodney’s the best: “You bought a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup! Looks good on you, though.”

Yuppie 3: “I want a hamburger, no, a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake–“

Yuppie 1 and 2: “You”ll get nothing and like it!” [laughs]

Yuppie 4: Oh, man. I love Caddyshack. [unsure] Hey, remember when all the caddies were like: “uuummm…Meatballs?” I don’t remember exactly how it went…it was awesome.

Yuppie 1: Dude, are you gay?

Yuppie 3: What’s up with that?

[Bill Murray is watching the scene with the yuppies on TV]

Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill “Caddyshack” Murray. Let’s face it. In today’s fast-paced high-powered workplace not being able to quote Caddyshack” will cost you quite a few opportunities. The secret language of American business is peppered with quotes from this classic 1980 comedy written by my brother Brian and two other guys. That’s why I’m here to offer you, The Quotable Caddyshack. [big brown leather book] Its the definitive source for all your quote needs. You get the complete original screenplay hand lettered in vellum. Bound in fine Italian leather. Its a stunning addition to any home library and an invaluable reference tool to a young executive.

[Yuppie 3 interviews a job applicant in an office]

Yuppie 3: Tell me something about yourself that’s not on your resume.

Job applicant: Well,[imitating Carl Spackler] “its a Cinderella story, this unknown coming out of nowhere to lead the pack at Augusta.”

Yuppie 3: Ha ha ha…that’s terrific! You’re hired. [shake hands] [back to Bill]

Bill Murray: The Quotable Caddyshack can also help you find the perfect quote for any occasion. To commencement speeches, to writing your own wedding vows.

[cut to a wedding]

Yuppie 2: I take you Karen, to be my lawfully wedded wife [imitating Carl Spackler again] “because you’re lean, you’re mean and nothing fine in between, you know what I’m saying?” [kisses Karen]

Priest: [as Rodney’s Al Czervik] “We’re all gonna get laid!”

Bill Murray: Call now and you’ll also get Hollywood’s Chevy Chase.

[Chevy joins Bill dressed as playboy Ty Webb, golf club in hand]

Chevy Chase: Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

Bill Murray: No, no, no. That’s “Animal House”, buddy. We weren’t in that one. That’s right.

Chevy Chase: Yes, all right. [as Ty Webb] “Be the ball, Danny” Nananana, dadadada, nananana, dadada.

Bill Murray: [as Carl Spackler] So, where are you living now Ty? You over there on the Briar? Yeah, Briar.”

Chevy Chase: [as Ty] “On Briar, too.”

Bill Murray: “You got a pool over there?”

Chevy Chase: “Oh, yeah. We got a pool in the back. We got a pond and a pool. Pool would be good for you.”

Bill Murray: [correcting Chevy with the book] No, uh-huh, actually Chevy…I think “the pond would be good for me.”

[dry, fake laughs]

Bill Murray: So, order The Quotable Caddyshack now. 30% of the profits go to the Ted Knight Slow Burn Foundation. The other 70% goes to me. So, [as Carl Spackler] “I got that going for me….which is nice.”

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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