SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/99: The Ladies’ Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 14

98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

The Ladies’ Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
…..Stephanie Seymour

[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]

Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!

[title fades out, lights come up]

Leon Phelps: Yeah! What is happenin’? And welcome to “The Ladies’ Man”! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? I’m Leon Phelps. I am doin’ all right. I got my [shows his bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! That’s right!

You know, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked besides “Is that a replica of the Maltese Falcon in your pants?”…is “Leon, how do you pick up the ladies?” So many people have asked me this, that I have started teaching a seminar in the vacant lot behind the Arby’s, and it is called [shows a poster that has a picture of Leon naked in bed with a woman; above the picture it says “free class,” while below it says “Doing It the Leon Phelps Way/free refreshments/Wells St. Community Center] “Doing It the Leon Phelps Way.”…Well, tonight, I would like to demonstrate the methods that I teach in my class, which, if properly u – used, will help to get you more tang than the astronauts. That’s right. So follow me, and we will get [grabs his glass of Courvoisier and walks over to a makeshift bar] started, all right?

Now, I can’t show you, uh, how to pick up the ladies without a lady, and that’s why I’ve asked the, uh, help of, tonight, for my good friend, supermodel Stephanie Seymour. [claps; applause for Stephanie as she walks in, puts his arm around Leon and kisses him on the cheek]…Mmm! Yeah! Now this is more like it! [laughs] How you doin’?

Stephanie Seymour: I feel all right.

Leon: [rubs his hand up and down Stephanie’s side] Yeah, you sure do! [Stephanie laughs]…Now, unless you happen to be Leon Phelps, I suggest that you set your, uh, sights a little bit lower, all right?

Now, then…a classy first line can be the difference between [he and Stephanie sit down at the bar] a night of romance or a vicious knee to the groin. So please watch as I demonstrate to you the right way to deliver a first line, in what I like to call “A Means to Her [fade up name of first lesson] End.”

[a children’s choir sings the name of the lesson; fade out name of lesson]

So, uh…how you doin’ there, sweet thing? Uh, say, is your father a meat burglar?

Stephanie: No. Why do you ask?

Leon: ‘Cause, uh, he must’ve stolen two mighty fine hams and put ’em down the back of your pants!

Stephanie: Oh, that is so sweet!

Leon: And freeze!…There! You see, I wrote that line. The ladies love poetry.

Stephanie: You know, I studied poetry at the Sorbonne.

Leon: The Sorbonne? [suggestively] Hm hm!…Yeah, I know somethin’ about a sore bone! [laughs]

Now, you see what I just did there? I loosened things up with a little bit of levity. Now – now watch how I show our lady that I have a sense of humor in a little lesson that I call “Slipping Her [fade up name of second lesson] the Funny Bone.”

[children’s choir sings the name of the lesson; fade out name of lesson]

So uh, anyways, uh, have you heard this one? Knock-knock!

Stephanie: Who’s there?

Leon: Seymour!

Stephanie: Seymour who?

Leon: I could Seymour o’ your ass if you took off your pants, please! [he and Stephanie laugh]

Stephanie: I love you. What do you say we go back to my place and have sex?

Leon: Your place? No, no, no, not on the first date, baby. Why don’t we just go have sex in the toilet?

Stephanie: Okay.

Leon: All right?

Stephanie: All right!

Leon: All right, right this way!

[Leon takes Stephanie’s hand; they get up from the bar and walk into a bathroom. Leon closes the door when they get in.]

Aaand [he and Stephanie grab each other] freeze! All right! Sex in the toilet. The end to a perfect evening. I mean, what could be finer? A painting by Mona Lisa? A symphony by that guy, Symphonius? A fine Mexican wine? Nay, nay! But it’s not all over just yet. Now it is time to call the relationship off. But check out how a true ladies’ man will perform this very difficult task.

[Leon and Stephanie pretend to have sex and have an orgasm.]

Oh! Yeah!

Stephanie: That was great!

Leon: Oh my God, that was wonderful!

Stephanie: Leon, what do you say we…what do you say we go…take you home and introduce you to my parents?

Leon: Uh, listen. I got a better idea. Why don’t you go pay the check, and I’ll sneak out the bathroom window?

Stephanie: Okay.

Leon: And freeze! Well, there you have it. A hasty retreat through the bathroom window, or if there is no bathroom window, you can simply hide in the garbage can and be taken out with the trash.

Stephanie: Good idea.

Leon: Yeah! Now that brings us to a close, but you follow these tips, and your night will go as smoothly and as quickly as my bottle [Stephanie grabs Leon’s bottle of Courvoisier] of Courvoisier. But if you ever get a loss to what to say to your lady, you can always fall back on “Live from New York…

Leon and Stephanie: …IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

[dissolve to SNL opening sequence]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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