SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/99: The Ladies’ Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 14

98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

The Ladies’ Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
…..Stephanie Seymour

[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]

Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!

[title fades out, lights come up]

Leon Phelps: Yeah! What is happenin’? And welcome to “The Ladies’ Man”! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? I’m Leon Phelps. I am doin’ all right. I got my [shows his bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! That’s right!

You know, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked besides “Is that a replica of the Maltese Falcon in your pants?”…is “Leon, how do you pick up the ladies?” So many people have asked me this, that I have started teaching a seminar in the vacant lot behind the Arby’s, and it is called [shows a poster that has a picture of Leon naked in bed with a woman; above the picture it says “free class,” while below it says “Doing It the Leon Phelps Way/free refreshments/Wells St. Community Center] “Doing It the Leon Phelps Way.”…Well, tonight, I would like to demonstrate the methods that I teach in my class, which, if properly u – used, will help to get you more tang than the astronauts. That’s right. So follow me, and we will get [grabs his glass of Courvoisier and walks over to a makeshift bar] started, all right?

Now, I can’t show you, uh, how to pick up the ladies without a lady, and that’s why I’ve asked the, uh, help of, tonight, for my good friend, supermodel Stephanie Seymour. [claps; applause for Stephanie as she walks in, puts his arm around Leon and kisses him on the cheek]…Mmm! Yeah! Now this is more like it! [laughs] How you doin’?

Stephanie Seymour: I feel all right.

Leon: [rubs his hand up and down Stephanie’s side] Yeah, you sure do! [Stephanie laughs]…Now, unless you happen to be Leon Phelps, I suggest that you set your, uh, sights a little bit lower, all right?

Now, then…a classy first line can be the difference between [he and Stephanie sit down at the bar] a night of romance or a vicious knee to the groin. So please watch as I demonstrate to you the right way to deliver a first line, in what I like to call “A Means to Her [fade up name of first lesson] End.”

[a children’s choir sings the name of the lesson; fade out name of lesson]

So, uh…how you doin’ there, sweet thing? Uh, say, is your father a meat burglar?

Stephanie: No. Why do you ask?

Leon: ‘Cause, uh, he must’ve stolen two mighty fine hams and put ’em down the back of your pants!

Stephanie: Oh, that is so sweet!

Leon: And freeze!…There! You see, I wrote that line. The ladies love poetry.

Stephanie: You know, I studied poetry at the Sorbonne.

Leon: The Sorbonne? [suggestively] Hm hm!…Yeah, I know somethin’ about a sore bone! [laughs]

Now, you see what I just did there? I loosened things up with a little bit of levity. Now – now watch how I show our lady that I have a sense of humor in a little lesson that I call “Slipping Her [fade up name of second lesson] the Funny Bone.”

[children’s choir sings the name of the lesson; fade out name of lesson]

So uh, anyways, uh, have you heard this one? Knock-knock!

Stephanie: Who’s there?

Leon: Seymour!

Stephanie: Seymour who?

Leon: I could Seymour o’ your ass if you took off your pants, please! [he and Stephanie laugh]

Stephanie: I love you. What do you say we go back to my place and have sex?

Leon: Your place? No, no, no, not on the first date, baby. Why don’t we just go have sex in the toilet?

Stephanie: Okay.

Leon: All right?

Stephanie: All right!

Leon: All right, right this way!

[Leon takes Stephanie’s hand; they get up from the bar and walk into a bathroom. Leon closes the door when they get in.]

Aaand [he and Stephanie grab each other] freeze! All right! Sex in the toilet. The end to a perfect evening. I mean, what could be finer? A painting by Mona Lisa? A symphony by that guy, Symphonius? A fine Mexican wine? Nay, nay! But it’s not all over just yet. Now it is time to call the relationship off. But check out how a true ladies’ man will perform this very difficult task.

[Leon and Stephanie pretend to have sex and have an orgasm.]

Oh! Yeah!

Stephanie: That was great!

Leon: Oh my God, that was wonderful!

Stephanie: Leon, what do you say we…what do you say we go…take you home and introduce you to my parents?

Leon: Uh, listen. I got a better idea. Why don’t you go pay the check, and I’ll sneak out the bathroom window?

Stephanie: Okay.

Leon: And freeze! Well, there you have it. A hasty retreat through the bathroom window, or if there is no bathroom window, you can simply hide in the garbage can and be taken out with the trash.

Stephanie: Good idea.

Leon: Yeah! Now that brings us to a close, but you follow these tips, and your night will go as smoothly and as quickly as my bottle [Stephanie grabs Leon’s bottle of Courvoisier] of Courvoisier. But if you ever get a loss to what to say to your lady, you can always fall back on “Live from New York…

Leon and Stephanie: …IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

[dissolve to SNL opening sequence]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

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