SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/99: Yahtzee


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 14

98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams


Sam…Bill Murray
Jim…Will Ferrell
Jane….Molly Shannon
Nancy….Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with two couples entering the living room after dinner. Sam and Jane are the hosts, Jim and Nancy are the guests]

Jim: Wow, I’m stuffed Jane. That meatloaf was delicious.

Jane: Well, actually it was fillet of sole.

Jim: Well, whatever it was, it was delicious.

Jane: Sam, why don’t you find us a game to play?

Sam: All right. Say Janey, did I mention that Jim was the number one salesman in the office this month? I can say it, I ought to know, I was number two.

Jim: Come on, Sam. I just got lucky. Anything can happen next month.

Sam: [serious] You got that right. All right, I thought maybe tonight we played Yahtzee.

Nancy: Gosh, Yahtzee. Wow, we haven’t played this in years.

Sam: There you go. It’s a Milton Bradley classic. Here’s your scoreboards and your pencils. And we’re gonna get ready for a little bit of Yahtzee!

Sam and Jane: [face to face, intense] Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahhhhhh-tzee!!!

Jim: [surprised] Wow, you guys sure love your Yahtzee.

Sam: Ok. House rules. Visitors go first.

Jim: Oh, go ahead Nancy.

Nancy: Oh, okeydoke. [throws dice]

Sam:[too cheerful] Oh! Two fives! You haven’t played in a while.

Nancy: I still have a couple of rolls. [throws dice]

Sam: Still two fives!

Jane: Nothing! Lame-o!

Sam: Come on.

Nancy: One more try, ok. [throws dice]

Sam: Haha! Still two fives! Nice. [gives dice to Jane] Ok, girl. Ok, you do it. Come on! I married a winner! I married a winner! Come on, give it to me!

Jane: [throws dice] Whooo! Two fives! [gets up and sits down dramatically] That felt GOOD! YEAH!

Sam: Stay focused, stay focused.

Jane: Ok. [shakes dice] I’m gonna shred these punks![throws dice]

Sam: Come on baby!


[Jane kisses Sam on the mouth. Dry humps him]

Jane: Mmmmm.[moans of pleasure]

Jim: [a little creeped out] Good for you, guys. Yeah, good.

Sam: Ok, all right. You guys go ahead. [gives dice to Jim] Yahtzee. And the salesman of the month’s turn. [mocking laugh] [Jim throws the dice]

Jane: Ah, two threes. Wah-wah.

Jim: Hey, I bet you I can get at least two more threes right here. [dice rolls]

Sam: Oh, still two threes! Too bad. Hey, you really want to bet on that? Maybe we’ll bet like a $1,000 that you get two more threes on this last roll?

Jim: Come on, Sam.

Sam: No, no, no. Let’s do the Christmas bonus. Christmas bonus on the last roll! Two threes, ok? Come on, you’re number one!

Jim: I’m not gonna bet, ok?

Sam: Bet number one! Come on! You’re a guest!

[Jim rolls the dice]

Nancy: Oh, my God! You did it!

Jim: Yes! Hey, this is a fun game.

[Sam and Jane are devastated]

Sam: [inhales deeply] Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it.

Jim: [offering the dice to Sam] Here you go, buddy.

Sam: Just put it down, Jim. Put it down, thank you.

Jane: Ok, you can do it. He’s weak. Come on baby. You can smell it.

Sam: [rolls the dice] Sixes and fives. Ok, I’m going sixes. [rolls again] Fives! Damn! Ok, I’ll go fives, I’ll go fives.

Jane: Kick his ass, kick his ass.

Sam: [rolls dice] Sixes! [gets up and with a swipe of his hand destroys a vase and a lamp over his fireplace] [Jim and Nancy are horrified]

Nancy: I-I-I….I guess its my turn?

Jim: Yeah, I think.

Nancy: [rolls dice] Oh, my God! Yahtzee, Yahtzee!

Jane: What are you? Some kind of witch or something? Did you fix the game? Huh? What are you trying to do here? Huh?

[Sam flips the table clearing it]

Sam: You win! You win at Yahtzee! Great game. Let’s play charades. Ok, Charades! Ready? [puts on the clock] [Imitates a cameraman]

Jane: It’s a movie! [Sam’s marches in place] Army! Army! [Sam holds up his breasts] “Private Benjamin!”

[Sam quickly changes places with Jane. Jane imitates a singer]

Jane: La,la,la,la…

Sam: Song, song, song, song, [Jane puts on horns] Horny devil, “Devil came down on Georgia!” Eleven seconds! Your turn.

Jim: This is just getting creepy.

Sam: Too creepy? Ok, forget Charades. [throws clock out and kneels on the table for an arm wrestling match] Let’s go. You and me. Let’s go right now.

Jim: Come on, just cool out Sam. This is suppose to be a fun night.

Sam: Come on, you’re a big guy. Let’s—all right, you want fun? I got fun for you. [takes a gun out] Here’s a game we play here. It’s called–it’s called Russian roulette. [takes the bullets out, puts one bullet in, spins the cylinder, gives it to Nancy] House rules. Ladies first.

[Jim and Nancy go to the door scared]

Jim: Ok, you know Sam, it’s getting late. We’ve got a new babysitter….

Sam: A new babysitter? Well, break her in!

Jane: You didn’t have any dessert!

Nancy: Thank you for dinner. Thanks so much.

Sam: You’re not leaving just cause I got a wife who’s decent and kind and you got a whore for a wife?

Jim: Oh, come on Sam! I’ll see you at work…

Jane: Here’s your dessert!!![throws a big cake at Jim, he stumbles out the door, Sam closes the door]

Sam: [looks at the gun] You still want to play?

Jane: Yeah, I’ll play.

Sam: Nah, you know, they’re nice folks but they never offer to clean up.

Jane: Yeah.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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