SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/99: Yahtzee

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 14

98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams


Sam…Bill Murray
Jim…Will Ferrell
Jane….Molly Shannon
Nancy….Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with two couples entering the living room after dinner. Sam and Jane are the hosts, Jim and Nancy are the guests]

Jim: Wow, I’m stuffed Jane. That meatloaf was delicious.

Jane: Well, actually it was fillet of sole.

Jim: Well, whatever it was, it was delicious.

Jane: Sam, why don’t you find us a game to play?

Sam: All right. Say Janey, did I mention that Jim was the number one salesman in the office this month? I can say it, I ought to know, I was number two.

Jim: Come on, Sam. I just got lucky. Anything can happen next month.

Sam: [serious] You got that right. All right, I thought maybe tonight we played Yahtzee.

Nancy: Gosh, Yahtzee. Wow, we haven’t played this in years.

Sam: There you go. It’s a Milton Bradley classic. Here’s your scoreboards and your pencils. And we’re gonna get ready for a little bit of Yahtzee!

Sam and Jane: [face to face, intense] Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahhhhhh-tzee!!!

Jim: [surprised] Wow, you guys sure love your Yahtzee.

Sam: Ok. House rules. Visitors go first.

Jim: Oh, go ahead Nancy.

Nancy: Oh, okeydoke. [throws dice]

Sam:[too cheerful] Oh! Two fives! You haven’t played in a while.

Nancy: I still have a couple of rolls. [throws dice]

Sam: Still two fives!

Jane: Nothing! Lame-o!

Sam: Come on.

Nancy: One more try, ok. [throws dice]

Sam: Haha! Still two fives! Nice. [gives dice to Jane] Ok, girl. Ok, you do it. Come on! I married a winner! I married a winner! Come on, give it to me!

Jane: [throws dice] Whooo! Two fives! [gets up and sits down dramatically] That felt GOOD! YEAH!

Sam: Stay focused, stay focused.

Jane: Ok. [shakes dice] I’m gonna shred these punks![throws dice]

Sam: Come on baby!


[Jane kisses Sam on the mouth. Dry humps him]

Jane: Mmmmm.[moans of pleasure]

Jim: [a little creeped out] Good for you, guys. Yeah, good.

Sam: Ok, all right. You guys go ahead. [gives dice to Jim] Yahtzee. And the salesman of the month’s turn. [mocking laugh] [Jim throws the dice]

Jane: Ah, two threes. Wah-wah.

Jim: Hey, I bet you I can get at least two more threes right here. [dice rolls]

Sam: Oh, still two threes! Too bad. Hey, you really want to bet on that? Maybe we’ll bet like a $1,000 that you get two more threes on this last roll?

Jim: Come on, Sam.

Sam: No, no, no. Let’s do the Christmas bonus. Christmas bonus on the last roll! Two threes, ok? Come on, you’re number one!

Jim: I’m not gonna bet, ok?

Sam: Bet number one! Come on! You’re a guest!

[Jim rolls the dice]

Nancy: Oh, my God! You did it!

Jim: Yes! Hey, this is a fun game.

[Sam and Jane are devastated]

Sam: [inhales deeply] Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it.

Jim: [offering the dice to Sam] Here you go, buddy.

Sam: Just put it down, Jim. Put it down, thank you.

Jane: Ok, you can do it. He’s weak. Come on baby. You can smell it.

Sam: [rolls the dice] Sixes and fives. Ok, I’m going sixes. [rolls again] Fives! Damn! Ok, I’ll go fives, I’ll go fives.

Jane: Kick his ass, kick his ass.

Sam: [rolls dice] Sixes! [gets up and with a swipe of his hand destroys a vase and a lamp over his fireplace] [Jim and Nancy are horrified]

Nancy: I-I-I….I guess its my turn?

Jim: Yeah, I think.

Nancy: [rolls dice] Oh, my God! Yahtzee, Yahtzee!

Jane: What are you? Some kind of witch or something? Did you fix the game? Huh? What are you trying to do here? Huh?

[Sam flips the table clearing it]

Sam: You win! You win at Yahtzee! Great game. Let’s play charades. Ok, Charades! Ready? [puts on the clock] [Imitates a cameraman]

Jane: It’s a movie! [Sam’s marches in place] Army! Army! [Sam holds up his breasts] “Private Benjamin!”

[Sam quickly changes places with Jane. Jane imitates a singer]

Jane: La,la,la,la…

Sam: Song, song, song, song, [Jane puts on horns] Horny devil, “Devil came down on Georgia!” Eleven seconds! Your turn.

Jim: This is just getting creepy.

Sam: Too creepy? Ok, forget Charades. [throws clock out and kneels on the table for an arm wrestling match] Let’s go. You and me. Let’s go right now.

Jim: Come on, just cool out Sam. This is suppose to be a fun night.

Sam: Come on, you’re a big guy. Let’s—all right, you want fun? I got fun for you. [takes a gun out] Here’s a game we play here. It’s called–it’s called Russian roulette. [takes the bullets out, puts one bullet in, spins the cylinder, gives it to Nancy] House rules. Ladies first.

[Jim and Nancy go to the door scared]

Jim: Ok, you know Sam, it’s getting late. We’ve got a new babysitter….

Sam: A new babysitter? Well, break her in!

Jane: You didn’t have any dessert!

Nancy: Thank you for dinner. Thanks so much.

Sam: You’re not leaving just cause I got a wife who’s decent and kind and you got a whore for a wife?

Jim: Oh, come on Sam! I’ll see you at work…

Jane: Here’s your dessert!!![throws a big cake at Jim, he stumbles out the door, Sam closes the door]

Sam: [looks at the gun] You still want to play?

Jane: Yeah, I’ll play.

Sam: Nah, you know, they’re nice folks but they never offer to clean up.

Jane: Yeah.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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