SNL Transcripts: Ray Romano: 03/19/99: The Big Baby



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15



98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

The Big Baby

Dave…..Ray Romano
Rob…..Tim Meadows
Janice…..Molly Shannon
Jim Lasterbick…..Will Ferrell

[ open on tall office building, zoom upward ] [ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

Dave: [ closes conference room door ] Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winfred Tire account is simply an understatement. I mean, that’s like, uh, saying the astronauts were “excited to land on the moon.” We are really excited about this.

Rob: That’s great. We’re very excited, also.

Janice: Yes. And I think I speak for Rob when I say —

Dave: She does speak for me, and I don’t even know what she’s gonna say!

[ everyone shares a hearty laugh ]

Janice: But I definitely think that Winfred Tires is in a position to be the number one tire outlet in the country.

Rob: I agree.

Dave: Oh. Well, with that having been said, let me introduce Jim Lasterbick. He’s, uh, gonna handle the presentation from here on in. Jim?

Jim: Thanks, Dave. Uh.. now, if you’ll, uh, go ahead and take a look at these. [ hands folders to Rob and Janice ] Uh, what we’ve prepared – uh, you’ll see, is a new ad campaign – uh, that focuses on Winfred Tires’ versatility. [ everyone looks through their packets with a hint of confusion in their actions ] Uh, we feel that, uh, that the consumers need to know that the all-weather radial — [ Janice raises her hand ] Uh – question. Yes?

Janice: Yes, um – I must be missing something, because my packet is empty.

Rob: [ chuckles ] Yes. So is – mine is, too.

Jim: [ nervously ] Oh – no. No, no. I-I-I’m sure the packet’s in there.

Dave: Well, actually, Jim, I don’t have anything, either.

Jim: Well.. I-I know I put the packet in the folders —

Rob: Well.. I just have these two blank pieces of paper.

[ Jim covers his face with his hands, smiles meekly, then begins to sob loudly ]

Dave: Jim? [ Jim continues to sob – a little louder with a fury that begins to bubble over ] Did you – do you not come up with a presentation?

Jim: [ shakes his head as he cries ] No.

Dave: Why didn’t you?

Jim: [ anger now accompanies his tears ] I – I didn’t want to!

Dave: Did you – did you even attempt to come up with a presentation?

Jim: YES!! [ a pause before his cries begin to resonate across the room ]

Rob: Maybe we should leave.

Dave: [ waves his hand ] No. No, no. This has happened before.

Jim: [ attempts to speak between his jagged sobs ] I-I – I – was – ‘nt – at – home – and – I was – talking about winfred tires – and I got mad – because I thought it was too hard – and I didn’t want to do it!

Dave: What – what- what was hard about it?

Jim: I don’t know! It was just ha-ard!!

Dave: Jim!

Jim: Yeah? [ looks away from Dave ]

Dave: Jim? Jim, look at me!

Jim: [ turns to look as he cries uncontrollably ] Yea-ah?

Dave: We have GOT to give this presentation! What can I do – what can I do to help you give this presentation?

Jim: [ points to Janice as he whines ] I want that lady to leave!

Dave: You mean Janice?

Jim: Yeah. Janice!

Dave: Why? Why do you want Janice to leave?

Jim: She looks angry! [ sobs wildly ]

Janice: [ speaks to Jim in a reassuring tone ] I’m not. I’m not angry.

Dave: No! No! Janice isn’t leaving!

Jim: [ whines ] Why not?!

Dave: Jan-ice is the cli-ent! She’s not leaving!

Jim: I don’t LIKE her!

Dave: Well, I’m sorry!

Jim: [ furious ] You’re not my boss any more, because you eat POO!! [ throws his packet across the room and cries ]

Dave: Okay, okay, you know what? I’m gonna give the presentation!

Jim: No! I WANT TO GIVE IT!!

Dave: Okay! Well, then you stand up and you give the presentation!

Jim: I don’t LIKE you-hoo-hoo!

Dave: Stop it, stop it now! Stop it! [ Jim cries harder ] Do you want a juice box?

Jim: [ in between tears ] Yes.

[ Dave hands Jim a juice box. Jim continues to cry, in muffled tones, as he frantically sips from the juicebox. ]

Jim: Grape. It’s good.

Dave: I know. You like grape.

Jim: Y-yeah.. yeah. [ calms himself down at long last ] Win-fred Tires are the best – because they sat-is-fy – the needs of many demographic groups. With that theory in mind – we would establish a comprehensive campaign that would – fulfill and successfully ex-plote —

Dave: [ helping Jim ] Ex-ploit. Sound it out.

Jim: Ex- ex-ploit – those – consumer markets.

Rob: [ impressed ] Wow! That is actually the strategy that we’ve been looking for.

Janice: Yes.

Rob: I’m sold. Thank you.

Janice: [ to Jim ] That wasn’t so hard, now was it?

Jim: [ shakes his head No, as he continues to sip from his juice box ] No.

Dave: [ stands ] I’m glad you feel confident in our approach, and I’ll send the paperwork over tomorrow morning.

Janice: Great! Excellent. [ she and Rob stand ]

Rob: Thank you.

Janice: Thank you so much.

Rob: Bye bye.

Janice: Thank you.

Rob: Thanks. Good morning.

Janice: Good morning.

[ Rob and Janice exit the office; Dave closes the door behind them ]

Jim: Whew! Wow, what a bunch of anuses!

Dave: Yeah! Nice job. Come on, let’s go get a lap dance.

Jim: Okay, yeah.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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