Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 15
The Big Baby
Dave…..Ray Romano
Rob…..Tim Meadows
Janice…..Molly Shannon
Jim Lasterbick…..Will Ferrell
[ open on tall office building, zoom upward ]
[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]
Dave: [ closes conference room door ] Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winfred Tire account is simply an understatement. I mean, that’s like, uh, saying the astronauts were “excited to land on the moon.” We are really excited about this.
Rob: That’s great. We’re very excited, also.
Janice: Yes. And I think I speak for Rob when I say —
Dave: She does speak for me, and I don’t even know what she’s gonna say!
[ everyone shares a hearty laugh ]
Janice: But I definitely think that Winfred Tires is in a position to be the number one tire outlet in the country.
Rob: I agree.
Dave: Oh. Well, with that having been said, let me introduce Jim Lasterbick. He’s, uh, gonna handle the presentation from here on in. Jim?
Jim: Thanks, Dave. Uh.. now, if you’ll, uh, go ahead and take a look at these. [ hands folders to Rob and Janice ] Uh, what we’ve prepared – uh, you’ll see, is a new ad campaign – uh, that focuses on Winfred Tires’ versatility. [ everyone looks through their packets with a hint of confusion in their actions ] Uh, we feel that, uh, that the consumers need to know that the all-weather radial — [ Janice raises her hand ] Uh – question. Yes?
Janice: Yes, um – I must be missing something, because my packet is empty.
Rob: [ chuckles ] Yes. So is – mine is, too.
Jim: [ nervously ] Oh – no. No, no. I-I-I’m sure the packet’s in there.
Dave: Well, actually, Jim, I don’t have anything, either.
Jim: Well.. I-I know I put the packet in the folders —
Rob: Well.. I just have these two blank pieces of paper.
[ Jim covers his face with his hands, smiles meekly, then begins to sob loudly ]
Dave: Jim? [ Jim continues to sob – a little louder with a fury that begins to bubble over ] Did you – do you not come up with a presentation?
Jim: [ shakes his head as he cries ] No.
Dave: Why didn’t you?
Jim: [ anger now accompanies his tears ] I – I didn’t want to!
Dave: Did you – did you even attempt to come up with a presentation?
Jim: YES!! [ a pause before his cries begin to resonate across the room ]
Rob: Maybe we should leave.
Dave: [ waves his hand ] No. No, no. This has happened before.
Jim: [ attempts to speak between his jagged sobs ] I-I – I – was – ‘nt – at – home – and – I was – talking about winfred tires – and I got mad – because I thought it was too hard – and I didn’t want to do it!
Dave: What – what- what was hard about it?
Jim: I don’t know! It was just ha-ard!!
Dave: Jim!
Jim: Yeah? [ looks away from Dave ]
Dave: Jim? Jim, look at me!
Jim: [ turns to look as he cries uncontrollably ] Yea-ah?
Dave: We have GOT to give this presentation! What can I do – what can I do to help you give this presentation?
Jim: [ points to Janice as he whines ] I want that lady to leave!
Dave: You mean Janice?
Jim: Yeah. Janice!
Dave: Why? Why do you want Janice to leave?
Jim: She looks angry! [ sobs wildly ]
Janice: [ speaks to Jim in a reassuring tone ] I’m not. I’m not angry.
Dave: No! No! Janice isn’t leaving!
Jim: [ whines ] Why not?!
Dave: Jan-ice is the cli-ent! She’s not leaving!
Jim: I don’t LIKE her!
Dave: Well, I’m sorry!
Jim: [ furious ] You’re not my boss any more, because you eat POO!! [ throws his packet across the room and cries ]
Dave: Okay, okay, you know what? I’m gonna give the presentation!
Jim: No! I WANT TO GIVE IT!!
Dave: Okay! Well, then you stand up and you give the presentation!
Jim: I don’t LIKE you-hoo-hoo!
Dave: Stop it, stop it now! Stop it! [ Jim cries harder ] Do you want a juice box?
Jim: [ in between tears ] Yes.
[ Dave hands Jim a juice box. Jim continues to cry, in muffled tones, as he frantically sips from the juicebox. ]
Jim: Grape. It’s good.
Dave: I know. You like grape.
Jim: Y-yeah.. yeah. [ calms himself down at long last ] Win-fred Tires are the best – because they sat-is-fy – the needs of many demographic groups. With that theory in mind – we would establish a comprehensive campaign that would – fulfill and successfully ex-plote —
Dave: [ helping Jim ] Ex-ploit. Sound it out.
Jim: Ex- ex-ploit – those – consumer markets.
Rob: [ impressed ] Wow! That is actually the strategy that we’ve been looking for.
Janice: Yes.
Rob: I’m sold. Thank you.
Janice: [ to Jim ] That wasn’t so hard, now was it?
Jim: [ shakes his head No, as he continues to sip from his juice box ] No.
Dave: [ stands ] I’m glad you feel confident in our approach, and I’ll send the paperwork over tomorrow morning.
Janice: Great! Excellent. [ she and Rob stand ]
Rob: Thank you.
Janice: Thank you so much.
Rob: Bye bye.
Janice: Thank you.
Rob: Thanks. Good morning.
Janice: Good morning.
[ Rob and Janice exit the office; Dave closes the door behind them ]
Jim: Whew! Wow, what a bunch of anuses!
Dave: Yeah! Nice job. Come on, let’s go get a lap dance.
Jim: Okay, yeah.
[ fade ]
