SNL Transcripts: Ray Romano: 03/19/99: Roberto Benigni at Carnabie’s


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Roberto Benigni at Carnabie’s

Maitre’d…..Chris Kattan
Waitress…..Ana Gasteyer
Roberto Benigni…..Ray Romano
Male Patron…..Will Ferrell
Female Patron…..Molly Shannon
Second Female Patron…..Cheri Oteri
Lone Patron…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on interior, Carnabie’s Restaurant ]

Maitre’D: No, we really don’t have anything open right now.. unless you’d like to come back at midnight?

Angry Patron: But we have a reservation! We made it months ago! Tonight’s our anniversary.

Maitre’D: Well, there’s always next year. [ Angry Patron storms out, as phone rings ] Hello. Carnaby’s. I’m sorry, we don’t.. oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ to passing Waitress ] Roberto Benigni is coming!

Waitress: Oh, my God!

Maitre’D: I know! [ on phone ] Yes, yes, Mr. Benigni, okay! [ to Waitress ] He’s on his way! Fix up a place! [ on phone ] When will you arrive, Mr. Benigni?

Roberto Benigni: [ enters restaurant, carrying cellphone ] I’m-a here!

Maitre’D: Oh, my God! Mr. Benigni! [ laughs ]

Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry! This phone has-a no connection through the wall! [ throws phone over his shoulder ]

Waitress: [ laughing ] Oh, Mr. Benigni, we’re so happy to have you!

Roberto Benigni: Hey! I’m-a happy to have-a you! [ laughs and picks her up, as she laughs ] And-a you! [ picks up Maitre’D, making him laugh, too ] And-a you! [ attempts to pick up heavyset waiter, climbs into his arms instead ] I love-a you! Thank you very much for this-a warm-a welcome! You make-a my buttocks-a full, with-a juice of-a many llamas!

[ everyone laughs ]

Waitress: Oh, Mr. Benigni, we just love you! Please, follow me, your table is over here.. [ approaches couple sitting at table ] You have to leave now.

Male Patron: What? We just sat down..

Waitress: Come on, come on, look who’s here.

Male Patron: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Roberto Benigni!

[ Male and Female Patron stand up immediately ]

Roberto Benigni: Oh, and this is-a for you – [ touches Female Patron’s ass ] Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!

Female Patron: Oh! Whoo! Roberto Benigni is jiggling my ass!

Male Patron: Can I take a picture? [ snaps picture as they pose ]

Roberto Benigni: I love you! I want to give all of you all my love and squeezings! [ tosses bowl of soup at Male Patron ] Soup-a!

Male Patron: Owww!! Roberto Benigni just scalded me with hot soup! Oww!![ everyone laughs ] I can’t wait to tell my mother!

Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry, I’m-a sorry! [ grabs his wallet ] Oh! This is your dollars? I take-a now! [ laughs ] It’s funny!

Male Patron: It’s hilarious! And I am burned pretty badly. Yeah. Yeah.

Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry! I love-a you all! [ approaches Second Female Patron ] Oh, I love-a you, too! [ grabs pepper spray ] What is this? What is this?

Second Female Patron: Oh, that’s pepper spray.
Roberto Benigni: Oh! [ sprays at her ] I make-a you sneeze! [ laughs ]

Second Female Patron: [ laughs between tears ] You’re irrepressible!

Roberto Benigni: And-a for you.. [ dumps cake on man’s head, making him laugh as well ] Full of joy! Oh, look! Look! [ grabs axe from wall, then chops Lone Patron’s hand off ]

Lone Patron: Aaaggghhhhh!! [ laughs, though blood shoots out of his arm ] I’m a doctor! You ruined my career! [ still laughs ] You are an international funny man!

Roberto Benigni: [ laughing ] I don’t know! I do not know!

Maitre’D: Oh, Mr. Benigni, please! We’ve prepared a special feast for you. Have some champagne.

Roberto Benigni: [ stands on table ] Oh, please! Please! Please! To all my very good friends – please excuse my revolting English – but, please, believe me.. I have never felt such a joy and love without ruining a towel! [ everyone laughs ] And that is what love is all about – loving and giving and tickling and sucking! You maske-a me so happy! I want to show you La Luna! [ bends over and moons everyone in the restaurant, as they continue to laugh at his antics ] [ screen shrinks to reveal itself as Variety news photo, with headline “Benigni Incorrigible!” ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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