Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 15
[ open on stock war footage ] [ SUPER: “Somewhere in France 1944” ] [ dissolve to billowing smoke rising near a foxhole, as gunfire echoes in the background. A soldier plays music on his harmonica. ]
Sarge: Alright, there’s two S.S. units right over the river! And I think I can see a pansar tag camoflauge in that burned-out farm house. Preston, any luck with that radio?
Preston: The radio’s busted. Now get off my back, Sarge!
Sarge: Hey! Don’t you GET it?! We’re gonna DIE unless we get support! There’s NO WAY out of here!!
Petracelli: Hey, lay off him, man!
Soldier: Hey – I know we’re gonna make it out – I can’t think any other way, or I’m gonna go insane!
Peterson: Hey, you know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get out of here is?
Sarge: What’s that, Peterson?
Peterson: I’m gonna go home to my Mary Ellen, and love her forever. [ kisses her photo ]
Soldier: It sounds like heaven, man.
Preston: I’ll tell you – the first thing I’m gonna do? I’m gonna try out for the Cleveland Indians. Then, I’m gonna hit a home run off of St. Louis in the world Series!
Sarge: I look forward to hearing that on the radio, kid.[ everyone shows a round of support for his dream ]
Soldier: Hey! I’m gonna open up a restaurant! And I want all you Joe’s to be there opening night! We’ll eat pasta fasul and drink wine ’til the sun comes up!
Preston: That sounds like the greatest night ever!
Petracelli: You know what the first thing I’m gonna do is when I get out of here?
Sarge: What’s that, Petracelli?
Petracelli: Right away – as soon as I get off the plane – I’m gonna enter a nice, refreshing hot dog eating contest, and eat, like, eighty hot dogs in ten minutes. Then, when it’s all over, I’ll vomit up all the hot dogs and be, like, “Whazzup? I just came in third?”
Preston: Huh? Hot dogs are good, I guess.
Petracelli: Then I’m gonna get some pants that are way too tight for me, and a red silk tank top, and I’m gonna cruise around the parks looking for little cute boys.[ the soldiers are speechless ]
Soldier: Hey, that’s messed up.
Petracelli: Yeah? Well, it’s MY DREAM, man!! So, lay OFF it!! [ pauses ] Then I’m gonna get a nice little house, with a white picket fence.
Peterson: Oh, that sounds like heaven.
Petracelli: I’m gonna kidnap hobos and mess with their heads, so they’ll be my slaves. I’ll have, like, a hobo army of zombies mowing my lawn and making porno films for me. Every American should have the right to a nice house and hobo sex slaves. Isn’t that what we’re fighting the war for?![ the other soldiers are stunned ]
Sarge: You’re screwed up, Petracelli.
Petracelli: I’m screwed up with HOPE!! Because we can DO it! We can get OUT of here![ a bomb explodes right in front of their foxhole ]
Peterson: That mortar’s drawing a beat on us, Sarge! [ to his photo ] Don’t worry, Mary Ellen! We’re gonna make it! [ kisses the photo again ]
Petracelli: [ bandishing his machine gun ] We gotta get out of here! So I can publish my own coffee table book of men’s dongs! It’ll be real tasteful – you know, just Polaroids of guys pissing at the bus station! Nothing fancy!
Soldier: [ lunges for Petracelli ] You SICK bastard!! Shut the hell up!!
Sarge: [ holds him back ] Easy! Easy! If we turn against each other, we die!
Soldier: He’s a PERVERT!!
Petracelli: Quit judging my dreams, man, I’m JUST like you!! I’m scared of the thoughts of – of getting out of here – uh – keeping me alive! I may die here today, but the thought of forcing a hen to go DOWN on me is keeping me ALIVE!
Soldier: [ tries again to lunge for Petracelli ] SHUT THE HELL UP!!
Sarge: [ holds him back again ] Come on!
How do I know this?
Because my name is Shaun Hitler.
No relation. But man, wouldn’t that have been freaky? And yes, that name has hurt my voice-over career.
A lot.”[ fade ]