Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 15
Ray Romano’s Monologue
Ray Romano: Yeah! Oh, boy! Thank you, thank you! Hey there now. Thank you so much! Oh, man, I’m not that good, I don’t think. Let me just say, I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I started watching Saturday Night Live as a teenager, right here, of course, in New York City. My hometown, New York City. Yeah. And here I am. Here I am, and now I gotta be funny. First I have to say, let me get this out of the way, I have to say hi to my kids at home. Hi guys! Okay, go to bed! All right, I have a couple of kids at home, I have an eight-year-old daughter, twin six-year-old boys, and a one-year-old boy at home. Yeah, so, uh, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. You know what, I don’t care if you laugh or not. I’m just happy to be out of the house. Yeah, that is a crazy house. I have to leave my house just to do things. You know what’s hard to do now, just write jokes. I don’t have any time to right jokes, and not only that, but all my comedy is for them now. I try to make them laugh, especially with the new baby. That’s what happens when you have a baby, you become a comedian for him. I can make him laugh. I can make an infant laugh in a split second. I’m losing my perspective on adult humor. That’s what’s happening. I wrote one new joke since my baby was born. Here, is this funny? What do you think of this? (takes out keys and jiggles them in front of audience) Hi! Hi everybody! Yeah! Hey! Hey, guys in the band! (jiggles keys in front of SNL Band) The band loves the jiggling! All right, I’m glad you laughed at that, otherwise I would have had to come and rub my nose in your bellies. Then what? We run late, we gotta cut a sketch, nobody’s happy. But it is a crazy house, especially with twins. I don’t know if there are any parents of twins here tonight, but I think – are there? Are there parents of twins? They’re probably here but they don’t have the energy to clap. (makes sighing noises) They’re crazy! They’re nuts! They’re running all over, you can’t stop them. You ever try to carry one? You ever carry a six-year-old against his will? They all have the same martial art move. You give them a few steps, and then they have the anti-lift slide. Yeah, aw, you can’t stop them. You can’t stop them; you can only try to contain them. They’re cute, though. Twins are cute. I have identical twins, which is very cute. Now, because they’re six… and it doesn’t matter what they look like. It’s cute. When they get older I hope they’re handsome. No, because it’s dangerous, even if they’re slightly ugly. There’s two. There’s two of them. Yeah, you’re gonna notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that’s no big deal. If you see the same ugliness right behind him, yeah, you’re gonna notice. Hey, look at that. Look at that! Come here! I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw him again! Ugly! Ugly! Yeah! Yeah, they’re great kids. My wife wanted five kids when we got married…
Peter Boyle: Ah, you’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it wrong. (walks onto the stage with Doris Roberts, audience cheers wildly)
Ray Romano: What are you doing? What are you doing? What the hell are you doing?
Doris Roberts: Hello, Raymond, honey. We didn’t mean to interrupt.
Peter Boyle: You’re doing it wrong. You don’t do stand-up in the monologue.
Doris Roberts: That’s right. He’s right.
Ray Romano: Listen, thank you. Okay, thank you. Thanks for the advice, but you guys… you guys realize you’re not my real parents.
Peter Boyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? What? You think I don’t know a thing or two about this? I do.
Ray Romano: Okay.
Peter Boyle: Roll the tape!
[show clip of “Dueling Brandos” sketch from when Boyle hosted in 1975]
Peter Boyle: I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let’s face it, Charlie.
John Belushi: I could have been Senator Corleone. Governor Corleone. There wasn’t enough time, Michael.
[back to stage]
Ray Romano: All right, all right. I get it. Yeah, you told me that. You told me that a thousand times. You told me that.
Doris Roberts: All right, wait, I have a tape, too. Go ahead.
[show clip of Roberts in “My Giant”]
Doris Roberts: Sammy! Sammy!
Billy Crystal: Hiya, Mom.
[back to stage]
Ray Romano: What are you – that’s – what are you doing? That’s – that’s… all right, we got a great show!
Doris Roberts: All right, pull yourself together.
Ray Romano: The Corrs are here tonight! Yeah! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Mike S.