Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 15
Stuart Scott…..Tim Meadows
Chet Harper…..Ray Romano
Stuart Scott: Welcome to Sports Center I’m Stuart Scott. And besides me is newcomer to the program, Chet Harper.
Chet Harper: Hey, hey how are you doing Stuart?
Stuart Scott: Chet’s more excited than Dennis Rodman at a Clinique sale…BOOYAH! Got ya partner! Well, the Lakers and the Sonics, at the forum, two of the favorites in ’99.. so, who’s it going to be in Y2K? Well, Shaq weighed in with his opinion – Boo-yah! Boo-yah! Boo-yah! That’s right! Shaq-Daddy with 37 points – he sends an invitation to the Finals party, and it says “B.Y.O.B.”: “Bring Your Own Boo-yah!” The Lakers destroy the Sonics, 114-82. Chet?
Chet Harper: Thank you, Stuart! Latest talk is that David Robinson is over the hill. But in my book, you gotta get to Whitecastle before the weirdos show up! Tonight at the Alamodome, he gets Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown as the Spurs beat the Heat, 86-79! Stuart!
Stuart Scott: The New Jersey Nets may be the team of the future, but tonight, against the Knicks, they were the team of.. right about.. now! The Funk Soul brother – Boo-yah! Jayson Williams with 22 rebounds, as the Nets win! Chet!
Chet Harper: Yeah! In action late last night, Sonics vs. Utah, John Stockton says, “Hey, look at me – I’m a little teapot, I’ll run right up your dress!” But then, Olden Polynice says, “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!” But then Karl Malone says, “Sweet Sassy Molassey! You are gonna pay a lot! And the cost is gonna be prohibitive!” Jazz wins, 99-93! Stu-pot!
Stuart Scott: [ to Chet ] “Sweet Sassy Molassey”?
Chet Harper: Yeah. You like it? Don’t steal it! [ to the camera ] Okay! Penguins need a win against the Bruins to get to the 500 mark. Yes, they do! But Penguin goalie Peter Skudra says, “Hey! Try not to shoot that puck up my pooper!” Yeah! But check out this guy – he says, “I’ll shoot the puck anywhere I want. And if that happens to be in your pooper, so be it!” Stu-mongi!“
Stuart Scott: [ stunned ] We’ll be right back! [ music fades commercial as Stuart looks over at Chet ] Hey, man, what are you doing there?
Chet Harper: [ confused ] What?
Stuart Scott: What was all that stuff about a puck up a guy’s pooper?
Chet Harper: I’m just riffin’, man. That’s all.
Stuart Scott: Just riffin’, huh? Come on, man, this is the Big Leagues, alright? This is Sportscenter. You can’t do that stuff. Alright?
Chet Harper: [ not understanding ] You say “Boo-yah.”
Stuart Scott: Yeah, I do. You just calm it down, alright? Just stick to sports.
Chet Harper: [ understanding ] Alright, I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Sweet Sassy Molassey, you’re right.
Stuart Scott: Yeah, we’ll talk about that one later. [ the music picks up, as the show returns from commercial ] Welcome back! Let’s go to the world of Women’s Tennis, where Anna Kournikova was taking the court against the..
Chet Harper: [ interrupting ] Oh.. she’s hot.. Oh.. I don’t know about you, but my peenie just went: Broomp!
Stuart Scott: [ shocked and appalled ] Alright.. alright, uh.. let’s just skip that one.. Let’s try hockey! The Phoenix Coyotes are having their best year in history, and it’s all due to the play of one Jeremy Roenick! Roenick shoots! He scores..!
Chet Harper: [ finishing ] ..and he celebrates! Like a slave who made it to the North! [singing] Old Man River!
Stuart Scott: You’d better watch what you’re saying, man, alright?..
Chet Harper: [ riffing, holds his hand up for a high-five ] You’d better watch what you’re saying!
Stuart Scott: [ to the camera ] Alright, we’ll be right back. [ show goes to commercial, Stuart turns to Chet ] Alright, look, that’s it. Listen, you’re done, just get out of here, I’ll do the rest of this myself.
Chet Harper: [ confused ] What? Sweet Sassy Molassey, I’m doing my best here.
Stuart Scott: [ mimicking ] Sweet Sassy Molassey.. [ angry ] Get him out of here before he says that again!
[ stagehand grabs Chet ]
Chet Harper: Alright, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go! But let me just say one thing: I’ve always wanted to be a sportcaster. Your clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me. Like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest. But I want you to listen here! I’m not giving up! Alright? I’ll be back. If it takes me two-hundred years, I’ll be back! Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection, I will be back!
Stuart Scott: No, you won’t.
Chet Harper: [ defeated ] Yeah, you’re probably right!
[ Stagehand drags Chet out as Stuart completes Sportscenter solo for the evening ]