Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.
In a Newsweek interview, former adviser to the President George Stephanopoulos said that Clinton isn’t fit to be elected, and has “tarnished his Presidency and all of us associated with it.” As the saying goes: George, you’re a day late and very short.
Former Tennessee Governor Lamar Alexander announced this week his second bid for the Republican nomination for President. In a related story, Susan Lucci was nominated for another Emmythis week.
During his trip to Central America this week, President Clinton received a standing ovation from the Salvadoran Left as he spoke to their National Assembly. In his speech he said he hoped that El Salvador would see the U.S. in a “new way, as a partner, a friend, a colleague.” Then he took El Salvador’s hand and placed it on his genitals.
After “Dateline NBC” aired the interview with Jane Doe No. 5, Juanita Broaddrick, President Clinton was asked if he was a rapist. The President told reporters, “It depends what your definition of ‘ist’ is.”
Pope John Paul and Iranian President Mohammed Khatami met at the Vatican this week. Khatami called the meeting “great and pleasant”, and said he “Wouldn’t trade it for all the anthrax in the world.”
Tom Brokaw, appearing on the “Today” show this week, upset viewers and homeless advocates when he said that he envied the extra sleep homeless people get. Brokaw later apologized for the insensitive comment saying he was just bitter because they get all the good shopping carts.
The Senate is holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, make them think they are going to get a bunch of money but, in reality, they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”
Colin Quinn: And now, here to discuss Women’s History Month, is our own Cheri Oteri.
Cheri Oteri: Thanks, Col. I’d like to talk about Women’s History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women’s history made over the last century. Okay, Colin? Now, over by you – that’s going to represent the caveman times [ positions Fantasy Barbie by Colin ], and down here is Total Gender Equality [ positions Fantasy Barbie by her ]. Got me?
Now, in the beginning of the century, things are going well: Susan B. Anthony, Madam Curie, and then.. uh-oh! Amelia Earhart’s going to be the first woman to fly around the world, Col. But, guess what? She gets lost and dies, uh-oh!
Colin Quinn: Maybe that’s why women always want to ask for directions.
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Dont. [ pause ] Alright, now we’re at the 30’s and 40’s: Elenour Roosevelt, Rosie the Riveter.. but then, uh-oh! Here comes Marilyn Monroe, dress flying up around her kooch! And she’s sleeping with the President. So, basically, Marilyn’s saying that in order for women to be sexy, they have to be so confused, they’re almost retarded.
Now, the 60’s: The National Organization for Women is founded, doctors invent the birth control pill, and Twiggy invents anorexia – uh-oh! Now women are free to have sex, but they don’t enjoy it because they think their ass is too fat. Oh, that hits home!
Now, the 70’s and 80’s can be summed up in two words, Col: Jane Fonda. Oh, she made “Barbarella” – that no good! Hey, she’s a political activist, though – that’s better. Uh-oh, she got breast implants – uh-oh! Now she has breasts made out of this stuff – feel it, Col. [ holds Fantast Barbie in front of Colin ]
Colin Quinn: [ declining ] I know what that feels like.
Cheri Oteri: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
Alright, now it’s 1990, and the best author in the world is a woman. Uh-oh! But it’s Danielle Steel. You know it’s a good book, Colin, when the cover is hot pink.
Okay – 1991: Pamela Lee shows up and makes Marilyn Monroe look like Steven Hawking in a dress.
Hey – 1995: Shannon Faulkner is the first woman admitted into the Citadel. Uh-oh! She quits the first week! “I’m going home, this hard!”
1997: Guess what, ladies? Viagra works for men, but not for women. Keep on faking it, Barbie! Okay, which brings us up to today and Monica Lewinsky. Uh-oh! [ thrusts Fantasy Barbie into Colin’s crotch ] And that’s where we’re at, Colin. Now – why don’t you call me anymore?
Colin Quinn: [ confused ] What?
Cheri Oteri: You heard me, Colin. Why don’t you call me anymore?
Colin Quinn: [ fumbling ] Well.. I was gonna call you.
Cheri Oteri: [ mimicking ] “I was gonna call you.” So just call me, Colin.
Colin Quinn: Cheri Oteri, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.