SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 03/20/99: The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarist…..Darrell Hammond
Melanie Griffith…..Drew Barrymore

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes. Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: [music stops momentarily] Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: THANK YOU, MY FRIEND! [laughs]

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: No. Thank you for your continued commitment to the thing called “the sexy.”

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, MY FRIEND! YOU ARE SO THE SEXY, YES!

Antonio: [laughs]…No crap.

Now, I would like to get [soft music resumes] serioso for a lot of moments….My gruest tonight is Melanie Griffith. She is a very married to me. In her, I put my thing and make a little me. [cheers]…Pleases welcome my wife, the Melano, the Griffith.

[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Melanie comes in. Antonio kisses her hand. She then leans in for a kiss. The music stops.]

Please, no kissy the face. Not now. For your lips are like two Mexican slugs covered with the mentholatum….But please, make the seat.

[The band plays two notes. Antonio and Melanie sit down as she is brimming with excitement.]

Melanie Griffith: Thanks, sweetie! I love you!

Antonio: [laughs] Yes, you do. Now, question: I am much more the sexy than your former love interest, the “Miami Vice” guy, no?

Melanie: [laughs] Please! You’re way sexier than Don Johnson!

Antonio: And all of a sudden, I don’t mind the lips so much. For now, they are like two sweet Twizzlers coated with penis butter.

Melanie: Mmmm!

Antonio: I mean peanut butter….No I don’t.

Melanie: Mmmm! Mmm…Bambino! You don’t have anything to prove! You’re a very sexy man!

[Antonio and Guadalupe agree]

Antonio: It is getting hot in here, no? Well, I think I’ll just… [stands up; Melanie rises in anticipation]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S TOO SEXY, MY FRIEND! TOO SEXY! DON’T DO IT!…NO, PLEASE!

Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the top button on his shirt]…[we see Melanie, hot and bothered, spreading her top to show her cleavage] OKAY! [music becomes faster] Maybe I should [grabs his zipper] let my little finger come out to make a play for a while? No, I will not do that. [music stops as Melanie is breathing with more anticipation]

Melanie: [aroused] You’re so hot! You want to play [pointing to her cleavage] bunny in the sailor?

Antonio: No talky. Please. I do not like the voice. It is like a slow, painful leak from a little Spanish tire. [Melanie takes her hands away from her chest] So, shh! No words. [Melanie leans in to kiss him] Shh! [whispers] ¡Silencio! Shh! Like that St– Like that door on “Star Trek.” Ch!

Melanie: Bring it on, honey! [leans in to kiss him]

Antonio: And once [turns Melanie’s head away] again, the lips frighten me.

Melanie: I know you’re not crazy about my collagen lips, but…Don never seemed to mind.

Antonio: Don? [band becomes scared] What?! NO! NEVER AGAIN! [Melanie gets aroused again] NEVER [Melanie shows her cleavage again] BRING UP THE MIAMI MAN WITH THE JOHNSON WHO SHOOTS THE COKE DUDES WITH THE BLACK MAN WITH-A NO SOCKS!

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh! Yeah! Yes!…You’re so sexy when you’re angry!

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] YES, YES, HE TRULY IS THE SEXY, YES! [laughs]

Antonio: [laughs] Yes. And the lips are fine twice again. Even the voice, not so painful. So, I think I’ll just… [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] OH PLEASE, MY FRIEND, ¡NO MÁS! ¡NO MÁS! IT’S TOO SEXY! ¡POR FAVOR! TOO SEXY!

Antonio: But I must! [band starts playing fast music as he unbuttons his shirt] All right! [starts unbuckling his belt] I WILL SHOW YOU THE REASON THAT ADAM AND EVE [Melanie shows her cleavage as he tries to unbutton his pants] GOT KICKED OUT OF THE FARM…

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh!

Antonio: …OF THE EAGLE! IF I CAN GET MY PANTS DOWN! [cheers]…I WILL DIVIDE MY WIFE WITH A FIRM SNAKE, [pulls his pants down] WHO WILL EAT THE APPLE! [louder cheers as we see him wearing black underwear with Zs on it; we also see that his pubic area is unshaved] AND WEEP! [begins to tie his shirt in a knot] AND DOES THE DANCE! AND…

[The music stops as Antonio stops and realizes that he’s not “up.” Melanie, still showing her cleavage for Antonio, wonders why nothing is happening. Antonio motions for more time, then cheers come from the audience as he looks down at his crotch and wonders why he’s not “up.”]

Ooo! [looks down at his crotch again] Ooo!

[After waiting some more, Antonio finally realizes that he’s not going to get an erection.]

And now I’m done.

[The band resumes soft music as Antonio sits back down.]

Melanie: [in sad disappointment] Oh, Antonio! Again? [Antonio pulls his pants up]…I’m gonna go see if my breasts need any work! [leaves]

Antonio: She will be back. For I have the ring on the finger that says I can make the sex, anytime. Anywhere! Even if she says no. For I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] active! I mean, actor. Why I make so many mistakes? What? Well! We will see you next time on The [music stops momentarily]…how do you say? Ah yes….Show!

[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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