Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 16
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Nicholas Cage…..Jimmy Fallon
Calista Flockhart…..Drew Barrymore
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy” It’s been an exciting first round. That being said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has negative 16,500 dollars.
Sean Connery: Damm you and your daily doubles you brigand! One day it’ll be my turn, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Great. Calista Flockhart, with an amazing negative $58,000. Good job.
Calista Flockhart: [ quietly like all of her lines ] Thank you.
Alex Trebek: And finally, Nicholas Cage is in the lead with $8.
Nicholas Cage: You got lights, you’ve got cameras – bitchin’ technology!
Alex Trebek: I don’t know how anyone could get $8, but better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are.. Potent Potables; The Pen is Mightier.. that category is all about quotes from famous authors, so you’ll all probably be more comfortable with our next category..; Shiny Objects; continuing with Opposites; Things you Shouldn’t Put in Your Mouth; What Time is It?; and, finally, Months That Start With Feb. Mr. Cage you’re in the lead, so let’s start with you.
Nicholas Cage: Hmm.. what? Where…
Alex Trebek: Okay, Calista Flockhart, why don’t you pick a category?
Calista Flockhart: Um no.. pass.
Alex Trebek: You’ll pass. Very smart. Mr. Connery, why don’tyou pick?
Sean Connery: Ah! Well met! I’ll take Months That Start With Feb, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: For how much?
Sean Connery: Suprise me, you filthy bastard!
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s completely unnecessary. Months That Start With Feb for $800. This is the only month that starts with Feb. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?
Sean Connery: Febtober!
Alex Trebek:No. [ Calista Flockhart buzzes in ] Calista Flockhart.
Calista Flockhart: What is.. Febturday?
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: She said turd!
Alex Trebek: I hate you! The answer was February. That’s the month that starts with Feb. It was last month!
Sean Connery: Aha! A trick question!
Alex Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick question, Mr. Connery. Why don’t you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.
Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.
Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?
Alex Trebek: It’s not a product, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Because I’ve ordered devices like that before – wasted a pretty penny, I don’t mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I’ll order a dozen.
Alex Trebek: It’s not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There’s no such thing!
Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?
Alex Trebek: No! No, I’m not.
Sean Connery: Well, you’re sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Right, right.. say, let’s move on to Final Jeopardy, that should be a lot of fun. And the category is: The Federalist Papers. Wait, wait, I’m sorry, that’s my bad. That’s for regular “Jeopardy”, which we’ll be taping later today. Your category is: Horsies. All you have to do is tell me “Are Horsies pretty?” [ the Final Jeopardy music starts as the celebrities scribble some answers ] Yes or no, we’ll except either answer. “Are Horsies pretty?”. Keep in mind, there’s no wrong answer. [ music stops, Alex approaches the podiums ] Let’s see what all of you wrote, starting with you, Mr. Cage, and you wrote.. and you’re podium is gone..
Nicholas Cage: I don’t know where it went, I’m confused.
Alex Trebek: You lost you podium? I don’t see.. you know what – I don’t care. Let’s move on. Calista Flockhart.
Calista Flockhart: [ louder than normal ] What? What?
Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing.
Calista Flockhart: [ in a whisper ] The pen was too heavy.
Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?
Sean Connery: We meet again.
Alex Trebek: Let’s see your answer.. [ screen reads “Buck” ] Oh, I’m sorry.. that must be you wager. A Buck. And you answer is.. [ screen reads “Futter” ] Futter. Buck Futter, I don’t get it.
Sean Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you do, Trebek. I tThink you do, indeed!
Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us..
Sean Connery: [ yelling ] Buck Futter!!
Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”.. [ shaking head ] I don’t know..
Submitted by Peter Ray