SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 03/20/99: Drew Barrymore’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16



98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Bottle of Whiskey…..Chris Kattan
British Gent…..Horatio Sanz
…..Cheri Oteri
Carrot…..Chris Parnell
Adam Sandler…..Jimmy Fallon

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Oh, my God! Thank you! I’m so thrilled to be here! you know, actually, this isn’t my first time on the show. In fact, I was the youngest person to ever host the show. It’s crazy! Here’s what I looked like back in 1982.

[ cut to clip of Drew’s 1982 monologue with Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Do you like video games?

Drew Barrymore: I love video games! If I have time off, and someone says I can go to the arcade, I say, “Terrific! Any time!”

[ cut back to 1999 ]

Drew Barrymore: Hard to believe that was 17 years. And in those 17 years, I’ve been through.. a lot. A real lot. Like, lots and lots. So much, really, that I wrote a song about it..

[ singing ]

“Now in my younger days, my life was like a haze
I used to drink a lot, and then I smoked some pot.”

Bottle of Whiskey: “She drank and smoked all night, and it was out of sight
And everything was great, but she was only eight.”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”

Drew Barrymore: “I went to rehab, got on my head straight
But my career was gone, and it was too late.”

British Gent: “Married a British gent, kind of an accident
Found out too late he reeks, divorced him in three weeks.”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”

Drew Barrymore: “But then suddenly, I was a Double D
I got a movie, called “Poison Ivy”.”

Cheri Oteri: “She went on Letterman, and gave the censors fits
She jumped on Dave’s desk, and flashed her big boobs!”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”
Carrot: “Then she became a militant, sprout-eating vegetarian
Her Playboy spread was excellent, she’s got a tattoo just above her gam.”

Drew Barrymore: “Now I’m living free, gave drugs the finger
Then me and Adam made “The Wedding Singer”.”

Adam Sandler: “She’s back in movies, back on the A List
It would be so nice-a if you’d-a never been kissed.”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”

Drew Barrymore: We’ve got an amazing show for you! Garbage is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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