Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 16
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thanks, folks. Thank you.
This week, Paula Jones announced that she and her husband are separating. One of the disagreements has been over the– how to spend the money Jones received in her settlement from Pl – President Clinton. She wants to spend it on clothing and jewelry, and he wants a new set of tires for the house. [some applause]
Boris Yeltsin’s prosecutor-general is at the center of a sex scandal. A Russian TV station showed a videotape of Yuri Skuratov naked in bed with two prostitutes. We here at “Weekend Update” have an exclusive photo of Skuratov. [doctored photo of Bill Clinton with a mustache and furry Russian hat; cheers and applause]
In an interview published this week in the British newspaper Express, Monica Lewinsky said she was upset that people seem to believe her relationship with President Clinton was a one-way affair. Monica, you performed oral sex on him, and then he ate a pizza. That’s a one-way affair.
The Energy Department is asking the Senate this week for an eight-million-dollar budget increase to beef up security at U.S. nuclear laboratories. Security at one of the labs was so lax, a group of hip-looking teenagers was able to slip past the guards by flashing a pack of Mentos.
At court-martial proceedings this week, Major General David Hale was ordered to pay 22,000 dollars for committing adultery with the wives of four of his subordinates. That’s only 5,000 apiece. If Paula Jones is worth 850,000, what do they look like?…I know, that’s…Hale, you’re all right.
White House drug czar Barry McCaffrey [one audience member cheers] said Wednesday [stops and looks at the cheering audience member]…that despite new reports about the benefits of marijuana smoking, it is still an illegal drug and would remain so. After the announcement, McCaffrey drove off in his limited edition Marlboro truck. [scattered applause]
A group of travel journalists have voted Niagara Falls as the best location to celebrate the millennium. The worst location? Sitting between David Arquette and Robin Williams at Howie Mandel’s New Year’s party.
All right, let me tell you how crooked boxing is. Last night, HBO replayed the Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis fight–Holyfield knocked him out in the fourth. [cheers and applause]
During an international tournament in Manhattan this week, Maurice Ashley has become the first African-American chess grandmaster [one audience member applauds] in history. [one audience member cheers] Proving once again that blacks are just better athletes.
Before their game on Tuesday, the New Jersey Nets got a pep talk from motivational speaker Tony Robbins. The Nets lost anyway, and Robbins was immediately traded to Milwaukee for Deepak Chopra.
Over the last month, Hillary Clinton has been questioning prominent New York Democrats in an effort to size up her chance for a possible run at the U.S. Senate. Here to lend his support to the idea, President Bill Clinton.
[pan over to Bill]
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Colin. I make no secret of the fact that I think my wife would make one fine United States senator. I only wish I could kinda get back on the campaign trail and help her, but I know, even though we love each other dearly, she would like me to sit this one out….And I understand. I don’t want to get in the way of her important work, which, if she’s elected, will begin January 1st, 2001. Mark it on your calendar. I know I will. [laughs briefly, then turns serious]…Oh sure, it’ll be hard, knowin’ my wife is a thousand miles away in New York City, me, all alone in my state. Just some dogs and a maid or two to keep me company….I was thinking maybe I’d build a mini-bar and a waterbed for when she c-came to visit. Of course, I’ll be visiting her a lot in New York. The only sad part is, while Hillary’s down in Washington, I’ll just have to find some way to occupy my time. Heck, I bet there’s lots of stuff for a guy like me to do in New York City. Waitin’ around, for the love of my life. You see, Colin? Even though it’ll be hard for me not to be a big part of Hillary’s new life, I’ll make do. I’ve always found things to do when she’s not around!…[shakes tie] And once again…[cheers and applause, then makes hand signals, nods, then gives a thumbs up]
Once again, if she gets elected, she won’t be around starting January the 1st, 2001. For those of you who want to know, I’ll be alone, and very [shakes tie] sad in my…Arkansas house startin’ then. The mongoose has freed the snake. Please! New York! I’m begging you! [makes hand signals] Vote Hillary in 2000. [laughs, then gives a thumbs up; cheers and applause] I love you all.
Colin: President Clinton, everybody! President Clinton!
Well, the big controversy at tomorrow night’s Academy Awards will be the awarding of a lifetime achievement award to director Elia Kazan, who informed on friends during the Communist scare of the 1950s. Kazan stands by his actions, and says he has the support of his colleagues, as well as his new girlfriend. [photo of Linda Tripp]
The former president of Ecuador was jailed this week on corruption charges that claim he invaded the Ecuadorian payroll with over a thousand phantom employees. He will be extradited to New York, where he will immediately be made chop stew at the JABIT Center.
This week, Britain granted citizenship to residents of its overseas territories, including Bermuda and the British Virgin Islands. The happy new citizens then went back to their life of standing outside a barbed wire fence watching people at Club Med do Jell-O shots.
Floyd Hooker, an Oswego hotel janitor, won 45 million dollars in the New York State Lottery this week, and said that it’s probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. Probably the greatest thing. Really, you sure you want to step out on a limb like that, Floyd?…I thought the greatest thing that happened was the time you got that drumstick at the Salvation Army Thanksgiving dinner. Now listen to me, old man: I want you to take that money and go to South Beach, and find the purest bag of coke and the most violent Brazilian transvestite you can, and I want you to bleed and cry and urinate, and then cry some more over your lawsuit– my lawsuit, and then I want you to come home and kill all your hunting buddies. [some applause]
Sony Records…Sony Records and the Vatican have joined forces and are releasing Alma Pater, a CD-ROM and music video featuring Pope John Paul reciting p-psalms and singing. The high point of the video is when the Pope tears up a picture of Sinead O’Connor. [applause]…Payback?
Four Amish teens were arrested this week for smashing 44 windows and overturning buggies during a rampage at the home of an Amish farmer. The boys were easily captured by police because they move like molasses….Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than a drunken Amish kid, they’re in your face all night rambling on and on about apple butter.
Marilyn Manson cancelled some shows this week after twisting an ankle. Huh. Apparently the Antichrist doesn’t have as high a threshhold of pain as you might think!
A judge this week threw out a Louisiana law that had made consensual oral and anal sex a felony in the state. In other words, my trip to New Orleans is back on! [cheers and applause]
Jm J. Bullock was arrested in West Hollywood…for possession of the illegal drug crystal meth. He was released on 10,000 dollars bail and now faces up to two years in prison. Although there’s talk his lawyer might plea bargain it up to four years.
Olivia D’Abo, the big sister on “The Wonder Years,” will play Neve Campbell’s love interest on three episodes of “Party of Five” when Campbell’s character, Julia, enters into a lesbian affair. Looks like that night I’m gonna be having my own little [holds up right hand and wiggles fingers] party of five! [cheers and applause]…Oh!…Yes.
Now here with a commentary on contemporary music, is Weekend Update’s own musicologist, Chris Kattan!
[pan over to Chris]
Chris Kattan: Thank you, Colin. Uh, now, as we all know, music is a huge part of our lives. It’s an essential component in the woven fabric of society. Now every so often, a song comes along that changes the way we think about the world we live in. And I’m here to talk about one of those songs. It’s simply an incredible work. It’s called “Believe.” And the composer is Cher. Now, for those who haven’t heard it, I’d like to explain what it means to me….[motions off-camera] Music.
[the song “Believe” by Cher begins playing; Chris gets increasingly caught up in the song as it plays]
Listen. [lights dim to blue]…You hear that? It’s like you’re floating. Don’t be afraid! Sometimes joy is scary! It feels like you’re flying, doesn’t it? Wait, listen!…Ooh, what was that? Did you hear that? Wait, wait…it’s like a – it’s like a – an electronic angel or something! It’s telling you…it’s telling you it’s gonna be all right. Wait, wait, wait! Uh-oh! What’s that? I feel like I’m flying in a cloud or something. Doesn’t it feel like that? Don’t try so hard! Don’t push! You can’t break through, ’cause you can’t force anything! You just feel it! Let the music touch you! [to Colin] You can smile if you want to! [Colin smiles] You can smile, [back to audience] don’t fight it! Say “yes” to your new friend! This ain’t “Call and Answer”! Go– okay, get ready, get ready! Something’s happening! What’s happening?
[at this point, the song is at its chorus; Chris leans back with his arms spread out]
…BELIEVE! [gasps] It’s not strong enough! It’s okay! You know why? Because you need to… [spreads arms out again] BELIEVE!
Colin: All right! Stop the music! [music stops, lights return to normal]
Chris: Well, Colin? How did it feel? Huh?
Colin: It felt like I was listening to Cher. What’s the big deal?
Chris: Oh, I get it, okay. You don’t – you don’t believe. Well you know what, Colin? You’re a fool!
Chris: You’re an ignorant, stupid fool! You hide behind jokes, and o – uh, like a wall of quips, and your cute little “Hi! I’m funny, I’m the news guy!” your little take on the news! Th – o – th – th – th – th- tha! That’s safe! That’s okay! But you know what? Sometimes it’s not always about feeling safe. Sometimes you just have to…
[the song starts up again on the word “believe”; lights dim back to blue]
Col, listen! Let it touch you! It’s not hard! Smile! Stand up! [stands up on the desk] Stand up…
Chris: …and fly with me! STOP HIDING! [slams hand on the desk twice] STOP HIDING! IF IT HELPS YOU, YOU CAN MOISTEN YOUR FINGER AND [rubs his nipple with his finger] RUB YOUR NIPPLE IF YOU WANT TO! GET UP HERE AND FLY WITH ME! [extends his hand to Colin] TAKE MY HAND!
Chris: TAKE IT, YOU STUPID ASS! [stomps on the desk three times] TAKE MY HAND! [rubs his nipple] RUB YOUR NIPPLE! [spreads his arms] FLY WITH ME! FLY AND JOIN ME! [cheers] JOIN ME NOW!
[louder cheers and applause as Chris dances and sways to the music]
Colin: [giving up] All right! [Chris stops moving] I’m not getting on the desk, but I believe.
Chris: YOU BELIEVE? HE BELIEVES! [cheers and applause] HE BELIEVES! [jumps into Colin’s lap and embraces him]
Colin: Chris Kattan, everybody! Chris Kattan!
Chris: HE BELIEVES!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn! That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Chris: HE BELIEVES! [leans back and lies his head on the desk]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson