SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 04/10/99: The Cathouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Cathouse

Crystal…..Molly Shannon
“John”…..John Goodman
Candy…..Ana Gasteyer
Carletta…..Cheri Oteri
Randall…..Will Ferrell
“Nippleclips Seminary Student”…..Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, Southern cathouse ]

Crystal: Candy? This gentleman is ready to pay.

John: [ approaching main counter ] Okay, I’ll just give you the cash.. [ takes out his wallet ]

Candy: [ standing behind computer ] Oh, no.. we just got a new computer system, so it’ll just take a minute, okay? [ punches keyboard ] Hope I’m doing this right.. First, I enter my access code.. then, Crystal’s I.D. code..

Crystal: Uh.. 2-5-5-4.

Candy: [ types it in ] Got it. Okay, here we go: What services did you receive?

John: Uh.. I.. I’m not telling you what I got.

Candy: Well, it’s asking me to list services, and it won’t let me go to the next screen without it. Um.. I’ll just read the options, and you can tell me to stop when one sounds familiar, okay? They’re alphabetical – Accent.. Acrobat.. Ape Suit.. Ass-Play..

John: I.. uh.. I really don’t feel comfortable with this..

Crystal: Oh, and when did you get so shy, huh? [ to Candy ] I’ll tell you what we did. [ looks on computer ] Okay, scroll it down. Yes. Yes. No. Almost. Yes. Yes!

Candy: Okay. Now, can I have your zip code?

John: Uh.. listen, I’m at a cat-house, and I really don’t want to advertise it..

Candy: Okay, I don’t know what to do here, then. Hold on. Carletta!

Carletta: [ appearing in the doorway with her personal John ] Wot?

Candy: Okay, if this guy doesn’t want to give us his zip code, what do we do?

Carletta: Well, why doesn’t he have a zip code? Is he homeless? [ laughs ]

Crystal: No, he doesn’t want us to know where he lives.

Carletta: Well, did yew itemize the services?

John: Yes! Listen, I’m just gonna leave my $200 on the desk here.. [ places money down ]

Carletta: Wait! Let me see if Ah can figure this out hea-uh. [ to her personal John ] Humphrey, you go upstairs and heat up the wax. [ Humphrey exits upstairs, as she fixates on the computer ] Alright, did you get all the services listed hea-uh?

John: Yes.

Carletta: You did? Alright, now.. what’s annual sex?

Candy: Sorry, I spelled it wrong. I’m a prostitute, okay?

Carletta: Did I say anything? Okay, I think we can just use any zip code, now.. [ starts typing ] Just.. oh, crap! I done froze it up!

John: [ frustrated ] Oh, this is ridiculous!

Carletta: Okay, everyone, just simmer down now! I think the computer guy is still hea-uh. He’s in the back room with Bebe. Randall? Randall?

[ Randall, dressed in leather suit and mask, steps out ]

Candy: Randall, this guy doesn’t want to give us his zip code.

Randall: Well, this “guy” obviously doesn’t know how important accumalating data can be to a business.

John: Let me explain something to you: I’m feeling a lot of shame right now. I got drunk at a business lunch, I’m starting to sober up. I’m 800 miles from my beautiful wife and my three darling children. And I just spent our Six Flags money on awkward sex with a stranger.

Crystal: Yeah, it was pretty awkward.

John: I just want to pay someone for the horrible thing I’ve just done, and get out of here. So, could you please hurry the hell up?

Randall: Did the lovely Crystal, here, tell you to “hurry the hell up” while you were, uh.. [ looks at computer screen, clicks mouse ] ..acting out a paramedic fantasy?

John: No.

Randall: Okay. Then I think you can wait for two more minutes while we get you processed in our new system, okey-dokey?

John: Alright.

Randall: Alright, I may as well go through this again with everyone at once. Hey, everybody, could we just gather around, just run through this one more time? [ group gathers around ] Remember, try to think of what different Johns have in common – it’ll be much easier to organize your desktop. Uh.. now, we have a profile for Grumpy, here. He’s married, and it looks like he prefers ass-play, so we can go to create a new file, and let’s just call him “Back-Door Married”, okay? So, what’s his password?

Group: “Back-Door Married”.

Randall: Perfect. [ to John ] So, the next time that you come, you can use that as your password.

John: [ angry ] I’m never coming back! [ exits whorehouse ]

Nippleclips Seminary Student: [ enters, approaches desk ] Hi. Um.. “Nippleclips Seminary Student”.

Randall: Welcome back.

Nippleclips Seminary Student: Thank you.

Candy: [ on computer ] How do you spell “seminary”?

Randall: This would be a good time to show you SpellCheck..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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