Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 17
98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Happy Smile Patrol
Harry Hugs…..Will Ferrell
Teddy Tickles…..John Goodman
Glenda Giggles…..Cheri Oteri
Cuddly Kevy…..Chris Kattan
Anchor…..Chris Parnell
Jingle:
“I like to be happy!
Do you like to be happy?
We like to be happy!
Happy Smile Patrol!”
Harry Hugs: Harry Hugs!
Teddy Tickles: Teddy Tickles!
Glenda Giggles: Glenda Giggles! [ she giggles ]
Cuddly Kevy: Cuddly Kevy!
Announcer: Today on “Happy Smile Patrol”: Making Friends With Smiles!
[ dissolve to the group sitting in the park ]Cuddly Kevy: Hi, boys and girls!
Glenda Giggles: [ running up behind the group ] Welcome to the “Happy Smile Patrol”!
Teddy Tickles: Say, what’s the BESTEST way to make friends!
Harry Hugs: [ smiling ] That’s easy, silly! SMILES!! ‘Cause… [ starts singing ] “Other happy smiles are good / Like ice cream and puppies and tickles and fun!”
Together: SMILE POWER!!!
[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast for a News 4 special report.
[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]Anchor: Good afternoon. Shocking and tragic news out of San Bernadino today. A beloved entertainer… is dead. [ graphic reveals actor Walter Kemp, AKA “Cuddly Kevy” ] Known to millions as “Cuddly Kevy” from the “Happy Smile Patrol”, Walter Kemp was found dead in the lauundry room of his apartment building, with a plastic dry cleaning bag over his head, surrounded by numerous crude drawings of naked men. Once again, TV’S “Cuddly Kevy”, a Vietname veteran, dead today. We return now to our regularly scheduled programming.
[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as a yellow balloon fills the screen and Cuddly Kevy’s face appears from behind ]Cuddly Kevy: Happy smiles!!
Teddy Tickles: Let’s have a smile contest!
Everyone: Yaayyyyy!!
Teddy Tickles: Ready? GO!!
br>[ everyone holds their tense smiles tightly in place for a few seconds ]
Cuddly Kevy: Wow! That was a great smile contest! Who won?
Glenda Giggles: Silly! EVERYONE wins when you have a smile contest!
[ they all laugh ] [ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast for a News 4 special report.
[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]Anchor: An alert is in in effect in the tri-county area, as authorities are now searching for this woman: [ reveal mug shot of “Glenda Giggles” ] Brenda Panhauser, AKA Michelle Trent, AKA TV personality “Glenda Giggles.” Panhauser was arrested late last night at John Wayne Airport, when a cavity search revealed she was in possession of dozens of heroin-filled condoms. After being detained… [ show file fotage of “Glenda Giggles” dancing ] Panhauser, shown here as “Glenda Giggles”, lured a customs official into an airport bathroom, offering sex acts in exchange for her release. Then, at the moment of male orgasm, she apparently produced a razor blade from her mouth and cut his throat to the spine. Panhauser escaped, and is considered extremely dangerous. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming — the “Happy Smile Patrol” — currently in progress.
[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as Glenda Giggles licks an oversized lollipop ]Glenda Giggles: I like puppies just as much as I like rainbows!
Teddy Tickles: [ tugging his wrists ] Gee! I wish I had bigger arms!
Harry Hugs: How come, Teddy Tickles?
Teddy Tickles: So I could hug the WHOLE WORLD!!
[ everyone “Awwws” ] [ cut to “Special Report” graphic ] [ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]Anchor: Hello again. an apparent twist in the auto-erotic suicide of Walter Kemp. Police now believe that “Cuddly Kevy” was, in fact, murdered… by these men. [ reveal photo of “Teddy Tickles” and “Harry Hugs” in militia garb ] William Sorris and Allen Geyton, known to children everywhere as “Teddy Tickles” and “Harry Hugs” from the “Happy Smile Patrol”. Sorris is also known for murdering a federal judge, and for going to the top of Candy Cane Mountain in a balloon powered by happiness. Sorris and Geyton are the leaders of the group called The Eagle of Christ, which has been inked to a recent spate of hospital bombings. The two are currently hiding in the Black Hills, using bear traps and brush fires to hold off police and the National Guard. More as events unfold. We return now, unfortunately, to the “Happy Smile Patrol”.
[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as the group dances and sings in a circle ] [ cut to “Special Report” graphic ] [ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]Anchor: More developments, in what is now being referred to as “The Horror in the Hills.” Federalagents now believe that Brenda Panhauser, TV’s “Glenda Giggles”, has joined The Eagle of Christ at its secret Black Hills compound. Apparently, they’ve now taken a local church group hostage, and, without making any demands, have begun sending fingers and ears to authorities. Stay tuned for mroe developments, as we return to our regular programming — “Happy Smile Patrol.”
Teddy Tickles: Who’s got a silly belly!
Everyone: You do!! You do!!
Teddy Tickles: I’ve got a silly belly!
Everyone: You do!! You do!!
[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ] [ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]Anchor: A final, tragic note, in the terrifying deadly saga of the “Happy Smile Patrol.” William Sorris, Brenda Panhauser, and Allen Geyton — after shooting down an Army helicopter — have now taken their own lives. A SWAT team found them just moments ago, victims of self-mutilation and shotgun blasts to the face. Once again: “Teddy Tickles”, “Glenda Giggles”, and “Harry Hugs” have now taken their own lives, after a killing spree that claimed, among others, “Cuddly Kevy”. A tragic, tragic day. [ perks up ] We now return to the “Happy Smile Patrol”.
Everyone: [ singing ] “And… that’s… why… we… love… smiiiiiiiiiiles!!!”
Harry Hugs: Bye, everybody!!
Teddy Tickles: Remember to keep smiling!! We’ll see you tomorrow!!
Everyone: BYE!!!!
[ title graphic appears over them ]Announcer: The “Happy Smile Patrol” will not be seen tomorrow.
[ fade ]