Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 17
Shaun Mondavi Vineyards
Shaun Mondavi…..Will Ferrell
Robert Mondavi…..John Goodman
Mrs. Mondavi…..Molly Shannon
(Scenic views over a wine vineyard and a slow motion pour of red wine from a wine glass can be seen while Shaun Mondavi’s voice is heard.)
Shaun Mondavi V/O: Wine. There’s nothing like it. As Sir Edwin Malebar once wrote: It can elevate the soul.
Shaun Mondavi: Hi. I’m Shaun Mondavi. For years, my stepfather, Robert Mondavi, has made some of the finest wines in the world. And the Mondavi heritage of fine wine making is alive and well, here, at Shaun Mondavi Vineyards.
(He takes a sip from wine glass and visibly grimaces at the taste.)
Shaun Mondavi: That’s right. For nearly a tenth of a half of a century, Shaun Mondavi wine has been associated with quality.
Four years ago, when I told my Dad I wanted to own my own vineyard, he said, “First of all, don’t call me Dad. You’re 27 and this is the second time I’ve ever met you. Second, no you can’t own a vineyard. You’re a convicted felon and your Mother told me you have a learning disability.”
Well guess what Dad? You were wrong…about some of that stuff.
(He takes another drink from the wine glass and grimaces again at the taste.)
Shaun Mondavi: And today, at Shaun Mondavi wine place, we are committed to the best wine-ing techniques around. Like the time-honored aging process. And nothing ages wine like a hot 3 hour van ride from our wine factory in San Jose, straight to your mouth. That’s right. When a van with a cactus airbrushed on the side pulls up outside your house, and a guy with a “fu-manchu” mustache hands you a case of Coke bottles filled with wine, you know you’re in Shaun Mondavi country: the San Jose metropolitan area.
(He takes another sip and moans aloud at the terrible taste.)
Shaun Mondavi: The classic balance between wine and food is an integral part of the Shaun Mondavi experience. Whether you’re having Steak-Ums or tacos or you can’t afford food, you’ll want a 2 liter Mountain Dew bottle filled with Shaun Mondavi’s reddish-style wine drink. You won’t be disappointed.
(He takes another drink and starts getting dry heaves from the bad taste. His Step dad walks into the scene.)
Robert Mondavi: What the hell are you doing out here, Shaun?
Shaun Mondavi: I’m shooting a commercial for my wine. Are you jealous Dad?
Robert Mondavi: That’s Mr. Mondavi, punk, and your not welcome on my property. I won’t have you stealing from your mother again.
(Robert picks Shaun up by the back of the neck.)
Shaun Mondavi: (yells) MOM! MOM!
(Mother rushes in.)
Mrs. Mondavi: Shaun, please leave. I can’t trust you anymore. Just go. Get out of here. Go!
Shaun Mondavi: (whining) Can’t I just have a hundred grand for my own wine vineyard?
(Robert takes a drink from the wine glass and immediately spits it out.)
Robert Mondavi: This isn’t wine! (sniffing the drink) It’s tequila and 5-Alive and those little marshmallows you put in cocoa.
Shaun Mondavi: …And fish and seawater. (playing toward the camera) It’s Shaun Mondavi’s finest vintage.
Robert Mondavi: How dare you use that name, you son-of-a-bitch. Your last name is Holdger.
Shaun Mondavi: My Dad was a hero! He died in the Navy!
Robert Mondavi: HA! The hell he did. I’ll tell you who your Father was.
Mrs. Mondavi: No! Robert, don’t!
Robert Mondavi: Your father was a hobo…
Shaun Mondavi: No…
Robert Mondavi: with a bottle of chloroform…
Shaun Mondavi: No! I’m going to kill you!!
(Shaun takes a lunge at Robert, but gets a punch in the gut, instead.)
Robert Mondavi: I want you out of here now!
Shaun Mondavi: (crying, and trying to hug Robert) I love you, Daddy, I love you!
Robert Mondavi: (fighting him off) I’m not your father.
Shaun Mondavi: I wanna make you you proud with my wine.
Robert Mondavi: I’m not your father!
(The camera pans down to a close up of the Mountain Dew bottle with a cheap handwritten Mondavi Vineyard logo taped to the side.)
Narrator V/O: Shaun Mondavi Vineyards. For when excellence and burnished fineries need to gently visit the warmth of your tablery.What the hell does that mean?
Thanks to Planet Will for this transcript!