SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 04/10/99: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Tracy Morgan
Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh, ho! Thank you folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you! Na…ah ha!

According to recent polls, a growing number of Americans are in favor of sending ground troops to Kosovo. And it should be noted that a hundred percent of those polled are not in the armed forces.

U.S. and NATO officials announced this week that the U.S. has taken 20,000 ethnic Albanian refugees to help ease Europe’s worst humanitarian catastrophe since World War II. However, U.S. immigration officials stressed that there is a limit to what America can handle. [photo of Roberto Benigni]

Today, President Clinton took a day off from dealing with NATO’s bombing of Kosovo and spent it playing golf at Camp David. After his round, a refreshed President told reporters, “You know, O.J.’s right. This game does take your mind off killing people.”

When President Clinton met with Chinese premier Zhu Rongji, he had planned to criticize the Chinese leader for his country’s human rights violations. Until Al Gore told him, “Hey, be cool. I need illegal contributions for my campaign too, you know.”

This week, the president of Taiwan reaffirmed the island nation’s demand to be recognized as an equal to its giant rival, China. The collective response from the United Nations was, “Come on.”

Liddy Dole declared this week that she opposed abortion, except in the case of rape, incest, and when the woman’s life is threatened. It should be noted these are also her views on sex.

A possible mistrial in the Whitewater case against Susan McDougal occurred Friday when a juror brought a law book into the jury room. The judge was upset, saying he didn’t “want any of that law stuff influencing the jurors.”

Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle has been critical of NATO, and demanded to know when they dropped the “E.” [cheers and applause]

Now, here to talk…about the latest in hip-hop fashion, is “Weekend Update” correspondent Tracy Morgan.

[pan over to Tracy, who is wearing a red FUBU sweatshirt]

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Colin! Thanks, man. Check out this cool shirt I’m wearin’ — it’s by a company called FUBU. [fade up caption “FUBU/For Us, By Us] FUBU means “For Us, By Us.” And that’s [fade out caption] because these clothes are designed by black people for black people. And I think it’s about time, because we’ve been the puppets of the fashion industry for too long.

Because before FUBU, all Nike gave us was FUBAK: [fade up caption “FUBAK/For Us By Asian Kids”] For Us By Asian Kids.

And for [fade out caption] all y’all runnin’ around buying up Tommy Hilfiger gear, remember that stuff FU – is FUBRAWD: [fade up caption “FUBRAWD/For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude”] For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude….Believe me, [fade out caption] before we started buying all his clothes, the only – only time Tommy Hilfiger ever saw a black dude was on a Lionel Richie album cover.

And now my kids all want Timberland boots. Here we go. Timberland boots are D’FRYCKBWEBEN: [fade up caption “D’FRYCKBWEBEN: Designed For Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes”] Designed for Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes. [shakes head; some applause, fade out caption]

Then yesterday my wife told me she wanted a Prada bag. I told her Prada bags were FUJU – [fade up caption “FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett] FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett only. So don’t axe me for one again until you start looking like them.

Anyway, I’m not saying that the races have to stay totally separate, I’m just saying…that I don’t think there’s been a fair exchange so far. Look at the stuff the black community has created that’s for you, by us. [fade up caption “FYBU/Jazz, The NBA, Will Smith] We gave you jazz, the NBA, a – and Will Smith. [fade out caption] And what have you come up with especially for us? Malt liquor, [fade up caption “FUBY/Malt Liquor, Kool Cigarettes, The McRib Sandwich] Kool cigarettes and the – and the McRib Sandwich. [looks off to the side in disgust; some applause, fade out caption]

I mean, we desire reparation, so I – I guess, uh, what I’m trying to say is, uh, [to Colin] give me a hundred dollars.

Colin: Get outta here! [Tracy gives him a surprised and disappointed look] Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy: FUBU. Buy some FUBU.

The Ringling Brothers-Barnum and Bailey Circus, which is now at Madison Square Garden, has the first black ringmaster in its history: Johnathan Lee Iverson. Iverson says he loves life in the circus; the thrills, the excitement, the fat lady’s ass….Ooo!

In Moscow this week, Lenin’s embalmed body is back on display in Red Square after a month of being cleaned and refurbished. The method employed to cleanse Lenin’s corpse is the same system used to prepare Cher for the “Believe” video. [some applause]

At the Pope’s Easter mass last Sunday, there was an estimated 40-minute wait on line for communion. Except for those Catholics who had E-ZPass.

It was announced this week that Paul Simon and Bob Dylan will tour together this summer. Simon and Dylan are expected to outdraw the hastily thrown together rival tour, Garfunkelpalooza.

Julie Krone, thoroughbred racing’s most successful female jockey, announced her retirement this week at the age of 35. Friends say Krone now wants to focus on her lifelong dream of getting her period.

According to a BBC Radio poll, the top – top song of the century is the Beatles’ “Yesterday”…followed by “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and “White Christmas.” Last on the list: any song with the words “achy” or “breaky” in it.

Because of the risque photos of teen pop singer Britney Spears in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Nestle may back out of sponsoring her summer concert tour. But the tour will go on after lining up [photo of Bill Clinton] a new sponsor.

Charlize Theron is upset about appearing nude in this month’s issue of Playboy, saying she intended the photos for her private use. I guess that makes two of us.

And last week, Al Gore celebrated his 51st birthday at a private White House ceremony. Gore was given a cake, blew out the candles, and made a wish. [photo of New York Times headline that reads “Republicans Nominate Quayle”]

Allergy season is here, and advertisers are inundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. Here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert, Collette Reardon.

[pan over to Collette, a middle-aged, heavily drug-induced woman with several bottles of prescription drugs in front of her]

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! Col, can you believe all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? It’s a good time to be medicated! Good time! Good time! You got Allegra, Tavist-D, Zyrtec, little Joanie London’s got my head spinnin’ about Claritin-D — it’s all good!

Colin: [nodding] So I see.

Collette: But, heck! Allergy season! Allergies can be brutal, especially around the holidays, Col. And this last one — what a doozy!

Colin: You mean Easter?

Collette: That’s her!…I get to the Easter parade, right? I’m sportin’ my best bonnet. But I’m worried about my itchy eyes acting up, Col! So I take a fistful of Allegra, along with 2,000 millies of Percodan, [shows her bandaged right index finger] for my finger!

Colin: [a little confused] Of course.

Collette:: Right. Well, I must’ve been about as high as a hot air balloon in the clearing nest, ’cause the next thing, I’m riding piggy-back on a tuba player from the Loyola marching band, Col! [laughs, then waves to an audience member] Hi, Kev!…Well…Col, apparently peach schnapps doesn’t mix well with the Darvon drip I take for my runny nose.

Colin: A Darvon drip for a runny nose? Ever try Kleenex?

Collette: Ha HAH!

Colin: I’m serious!

Collette: So later on…later on that day, they tell me that in mah stupor I cut up about four police officers and tried to restrain them. Next morning, I’m waking up at the NYPD hotel and casino, feeling a little like MacKenzie Phillips circa 1983, Col! [laughs]…Luckily, I had a – I – I had a pocketful of Benzadrene, chased that with some codeine eye drops, and guess who was on time for her Monday morning Pap smear?

Colin: I – I’m guessing you.

Collette: You’re guessing right! [laughs] And…I’m happy to say that I passed the smear with [swings her arms like a champion] flying colors.…Thanks to my OB/GYN, friend, and lover, Dr. van Cleef Arpill! Good hands, good hands!

Colin: Well, uh…congratulations, Mrs. Reardon.

Collette: [eyeing Colin] That’s Ms. Reardon, sausage smuggler. [applies lipstick harriedly]…Say, Col…the Puerto [Spanish accent] Rican Day parade is just around the corner. How ’bout you meet me for some fried dough at the porta-potty on 83rd and 5th?

Colin: [playing along] Yeah, sure. I’ll be there. Collette Reardon, everybody. [Collette laughs, then grabs her drugs and goes over to Colin] I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Collette: You stick to it! [Colin laughs] You stick to it! [leaves]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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