Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 19
Get On The Bag!
Cathy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Parent 1…..Tim Meadows
Parent 2…..Chris Parnell
[ spectators clap ]
Mike: Okay, keep it. Keep your eye on the ball, Brandon. Come on, big fella, base hit. Here we go now.[ Brandon hits the ball ]
Mike: Oh, that’s a base hit. Nice shot, man, nice shot.[ spectators clap ]
Male: Way to go, Brandon!
Cathy: Mike, you must be proud of your son. He’s having a great season.
Mike: Oh, thanks, Cathy. But, hey, hey, your son Jason, he’s got a great arm. He’s got a… we’ll see you in the Dodgers Stadium soon.[ other parents laugh ]
Parent 1: Mike, I mean, Brandon is really stealing the ball this summer.
Mike: Well, if his Math scores was as high as his batting average, I’d have a straight A student.[ other parents laugh ]
Mike: Okay, Brandon, you don’t want to get picked off. Get on the bag.
Cathy: You know, I haven’t seen Heidi in a while, will you make sure to say hello for me?
Mike: I certainly will. Thanks. She’s actually real busy with her career… shopping.[ other parents laugh ]
Parent 2: I think my wife’s in the same line of work.[ other parents laugh ]
Mike: No outs, Brandon. Get on the bag. So, Cathy, how’s, uh, your art gallery going?
Cathy: Pretty well, actually. We just started carrying this terrific sculptor from Costa Mesa.
Mike: Ohhh. Get on the bag!
Cathy: Yeah, he works on iron and marble.
Parent 1: Oh, wow, that sounds interesting. I love art myself.
Mike: GET ON THE BAG!
Cathy: Uhm, well, we’re having some of it this Wednesday. You should all pop by?
Parent 1: [off-screen] Oh, okay.
Mike: You know, my wife and I went to the LA County Museum of Art and saw the Van Gogh Retrospective. BRANDON! GET ON THE DAMN BAG! His, uh, his early sketch work is, is really appealing.
Parent 2: Brandon, uh, maybe you should listen to your dad and stay close to first base, partner.
Parent 1: You know, uh, what I always tell my son Nate and uh, “Just go out there and try to have fun”, you know.
Mike: Well, you know, having fun is the name of the game. Hey! SON! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE AN ASS OF ME? GET ON THE BAG!
Cathy: Hey, you know what? I could go for snow cones. Anyone interested?
Parents 1 and 2: [off-screen] Yeah.
Mike: Oh, thanks, Cathy, but, uh, I got my own snow cone right here. [ takes out a beer ] Anybody else, huh?
Parents 1 and 2: No. Thank you, no.
Cathy: You know, Mike, forgive me for intruding, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate for you to be drinking here in front of the children.
Parent 2: And it is 10:30 in the morning.
Mike: Hey, I just like to relax while I’m at the ball field. You know what I’m saying?
Cathy: I guess so.
Mike: I WILL CHAIN YOU TO A PIPE NEAR A CLOSE SPACE IF YOU DON’T GET ON THE BAG! NOW, GET ON THE BAG!
Cathy: Brandon, everything is gonna be okay. Just do as your father says, please.
Mike: Oh, look. Looks like your boy is about to drive him some runt.
Parent 1: Yeah.
Mike: Let’s go Nathan, ducks on the pond. Woo-hoo!
Parent 1: It’s okay, Nathan, it’s okay. No matter what happens, he can’t hurt you.
Cathy: Come on, Nathan.[ spectators clap ]
Mike: [clapping] I need you to be a bud, a buddy and drive Nathan in. Come on. Little bingo, little base hit, just relax and focus, wait for your pitch. HEY! BRANDON! HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? NOW, GET ON THE BAG, DAMN IT. GET ON THE BAG! GET ON THE BAG! GET ON THE BAG!
Umpire: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you trying to do? Now, listen, we got 18 nine-year-olds out there scared you’re gonna do something violent to ’em. Now, you have a choice — you can leave or you could stay and shut up and act like an adult.
Mike: Got you. I’m clear, Blue.
Mike: Alright. Hey, let’s just play ball, right, everybody?
Cathy: Mike, I know the name of a very good therapist.
Mike: Thanks. Maybe I’ll get that number from you later. By the way, do you know who I talk to about becoming coach next season? HEY, LISTEN, CRYBABY! I WILL DOWN-SIZE YOUR FACE WITH A SHOVEL IF YOU DON’T GET ON THE BAG. NOW, GET ON THAT BAG! Snow cone, anyone?
Parent 1: [off-screen] Nah, no.
Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell