Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 17
Sarah Michelle Geller’s Monologue
…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ comes out, waves ] Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank, thank you very much. It is so great to be hosting the last Saturday Night Live of the season. This is my second time hosting, and it’s a real honor to be asked back.
Chris Kattan: [ comes out ] Well, you’re great. That’s why they asked you back. Isn’t she great everybody?[ audience claps, screams ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: Thank you. You’re so sweet.
Chris Kattan: Listen, I don’t know if you remember, but the last time you were on the show, you said we had this kind of vibe going on, and you said that if you were to ever come back to host the show, uh, we would definately hook up. I don’t know if you remember.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Uh, no.
Chris Kattan: Uh, yeah you did. So, anyway, I rented a suite at the Four Seasons, and uh, borrowed a few mood-enhancing videos from Colin.[ laughter ]
Chris Kattan: I thought that after the show, maybe we could…
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ turns toward Chris ] Look, uh, Chris. I like you too much too much to ruin what we have with a sexual relationship.
Chris Kattan: Right. Damn! Everybody says that! It sucks! I mean I paid, like, six hundred bucks for the suite! Do you know the name of the Backstreet Boy with the goatee? [ puts his hand to his mouth ][ audience laughs ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ smiles ] No,…I don’t, I’m sorry.
Chris Kattan: Damn! [ walks off ][ audience laughs ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ sighs ] So, I flew in from L.A. and I ended up in the middle seat of this really tiny plane–
Tim Meadows: [ comes out, puts his hand on Sarah’s back ] Hey, Sarah? How’s it going?
Sarah Michelle Geller: Good.
Tim Meadows: Good. I don’t mean to bother you or anything, but I remember last time you hosted, at the party, you smiled at me.
Sarah Michelle Geller: I..I don’t remember that.
Tim Meadows: [puts his hand on Sarah’s back again ] Trust me, you did. Well, anyways, I’m here to answer that smile with a smile that says “Yeah, I’m interested in you too.” [ audience laughs ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ smiles ] But Tim, you’re…you’re married.
Tim Meadows: [ pulls her close to him ] Welcome to showbiz, baby.
Molly Shannon: [ comes out ]Hey, Tim.
Tim Meadows: Oh, hey, Molly.
Molly Shannon: Why don’t you leave Sarah alone here, and let her finish her monologue. Huh? Come on.
Tim Meadows: Oh, all right. I’ll catch you later, sweetie. [ walks off ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: Oh, thank you for saving me, Molly.
Molly Shannon: Oh, no problem. The guys around here can be real creeps sometimes. They don’t know how to treat a lady.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Tell me about it.
Molly Shannon: Yeah, sometimes it takes a lady to really know how to understand another lady. You know, you know what I’m saying? I was thinking, you know, maybe, after the show, if you want, we could just like blow off the party, and go somewhere quiet and get a drink and maybe talk a little bit, if you want.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Molly, I..I don’t like you like that.
Molly Shannon: Oh, really? Oh, that’s really funny. Cause I saw you making out with that girl in that movie you did, and if I am not mistaken, you it looked like YOU LIKED IT, LADY![ leans toward Sarah ] [ walks off, looking at Sarah ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: Well, uh..anyway, I, I was flying out here and….
Will Ferrell: [comes out dressed in smoking jacket, with pipe ][ audience laughs ]
Will Ferrell: Hello, my lady. [ puts pipe in mouth ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: No, Will.
Will Ferrell: Fair enough. [ walks off ][audience laughs ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ walks on, with guitar ] Hey, uh, Sarah, I just wanted to say, last time you hosted, I felt a real connection too.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Uh, Jimmy, wait a minute. You weren’t even on the show last year.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know, I was in my mother’s basement, watching the show, but I really felt like you were talking directly to me.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Look, I’m flattered, Jimmy, but please–
Jimmy Fallon: Uh, you want me a to sing a song?
Sarah Michelle Geller: No! No, I just wanna do the show, okay? I don’t wanna get hit on.
Jimmy Fallon: [ nods silently ] Ok. All right, guys. She doesn’t want to get hit on. [camera shows a line of guys all with flowers and candy, focuses on Horatio Sanz, who is eating candy.][ audience laughs ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: We have a great show. Backstreet Boys are here! So stick around, we will be right back!
Horatio Sanz: [ walks on, offers her box of candy ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ hugs him, jumps in his arms ]
Horatio Sanz: [ hugs her back, stands still ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: [ crosses to the other side of him ][ both walk off ]
Submitted by: Bri of sarah.mygirls.org for Sarah-Michelle-Gellar.com