Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 17
Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show
Jessica…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
…..David Boreanaz, Seth Green, Howie Dorough
[ girls introduce themselves ]
All: Welcome to Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show!
Announcer: Brought to you by Junior Gay Guy, quality gay apparel for those teens who already know! And by Practice Beer, yummy non-alcholic beer that tides you over till you turn twenty-one!
Sara: Oh, my gosh, guys! What’s up?![ all do a dance move ]
Gladys: Everything! How was your weekend?
Sara: Fab. How about yours, Sissy Jermaine? Kiss any cuties?
Sissy: No.. [ laughs ] ..but at my cousin’s birthday party, my step-uncle made me dress up like Britney Spears and strip for him.
Jessica: Ok, that really fakey tiger sound means it’s time for the Question of the Day.[ tiger roars ]
Jessica: Okay, today’s question is what drink would you buy for your favorite star and why?
Sara: Oh, my God. I would buy a Mountain Dew for James Van Der Beek ’cause I want to do him![ audience, girls laugh ]
Sissy: I would buy a Dr. Pepper for Scott Speedman, because I want him to examine me.[ All scream ]
Gladys: I’d buy a bottle of Drano for Neil Patrick Harris, so we could both drink it and live in Heaven forever![ audience laughs, girls look at her ] [ siren blares ]
Jessica: Uh-oh! The sound of that oddly chosen French police siren means it’s time for out segment called “Today’s Future Stars.”[ giggles ] Today’s future star is super hunktastic, Justin Thomas Nicholas! [ bounces on sofa ][ picture of a baby is shown ]
Girls: Aw, he’s adorable. I can’t believe how cute he is….
Sissy: Nine-month old Justin is an international singing megastar and recently completed his third album [ holds up three fingers ] featuring remixes of his European hits Boobies Equal Life, Crib Shuffle, and I Want To Give It To You Hard.[ all scream ]
Sissy: Okay, you guys. He just signed a deal with Dreamworks to do a a miniseries loosely based on his life co-starring Hume Cronyn and Seth Green![ all squeal ]
Jessica: [ bounces ] Oooh-ooh! Speaking of which, we have a very special guest with us!
Sara: Oh, my God! Seth Green! Is he here?
Jessica: No, not S.G, but the man who manages him and the hottest teens in the biz. From the management firm of Coach, Balls, and Cockenboldt, please welcome Renee Aupens!
All: [ bounce on sofa ] yell: Renee!Renee! [ clamor around him ]
Jessica: Welcome Mr. Aupens!
Renee: Do me a favor, call me Renee alright?
Sara: Renee, you work with some of the hottest hunks in Hollywood!
Sissy: You do! Can I ask you? What’s it..What’s it like to work with Seth Green?
All: Oh, My God!
Sissy: AH! He’s so cute!
Renee: Oh, Greeny’s a gas. You know what I mean? Sometimes he’ll come to my ranch and make Gardenburgers and get silly. Other times, you know, we’re sad. Why don’t you ask? Ask him, is what I’m saying. [ points to wings ]
Jessica: Oh, my God! Is he here?
All: He’s here? Oh, my God!
Renee: Ask him. He’s here. He’s here. In fact, a few of my clients are here. Oh, boys![ Seth, Howie and David walk on ] [ girls scream ]
Renee: Stop it. Stop it. Hold your ponies, gals.
David Boreanaz: [ blows kisses at Gladys ]
Renee: Ladies, feast your eyes on a stable on hunkasauruses. From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a two-pack tasty dream cakes who I’d like to give both of them a nude hug. Masters David Boreanaz and fresh face Seth Green!
Girls: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Renee: From the Backstreet Boys, who wouldn’t like to drive a hard little car up his backstreet? Oh! Howie D! These are my three talented dreamboats!
All: Oh, Howie D!
Sara: [ laughs ] Ok, so hunks, what’s it like to be managed by Renee?
David Boreanaz: Well, you know, he’s very….he’s good. Wouldn’t you guys say he’s good? Huh?
Seth Green: Yeah, he’s very…aggressive.
Howie Dorough: Right, I mean he’s definately a shock on the phone, but I really don’t like being alone in a room with him.
David Boreanaz: He’s a real [ tisk tisk ] hands-on manager.
Seth Green: A little too hands on.
Howie Dorough: Yeah, in fact I wish he’d be a little more hands-off.
Renee: Well, well, what can I say? This is my coven of cuties here I’m talking about. Coven of cuties.
Sissy: What a dream is must be to work with so many hunkasauruses.[ giggles ]
Jessica: [ bounces ] Uh-huh[ chainsaw revs ]
Jessica: Uh-oh! That completely inappropiate chainsaw sound means we’re out of time. We’ll see you next time on…
All: Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show![ Jessica and Gladys jump on David ] [ Sissy and Sara jump on Seth ]
Submitted by: Bri of sarah.mygirls.org for Sarah-Michelle-Gellar.com