SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99: Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17



98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show

Jessica…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Sara…..Cheri Oteri
Sissy…..Molly Shannon
Gladys…..Ana Gasteyer
Renee…..Darell Hammond
…..David Boreanaz, Seth Green, Howie Dorough

[ girls introduce themselves ]

All: Welcome to Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show!

Announcer: Brought to you by Junior Gay Guy, quality gay apparel for those teens who already know! And by Practice Beer, yummy non-alcholic beer that tides you over till you turn twenty-one!

Sara: Oh, my gosh, guys! What’s up?!

[ all do a dance move ]

Gladys: Everything! How was your weekend?

Sara: Fab. How about yours, Sissy Jermaine? Kiss any cuties?

Sissy: No.. [ laughs ] ..but at my cousin’s birthday party, my step-uncle made me dress up like Britney Spears and strip for him.

All: Ew!

[ tiger roars ]

Jessica: Ok, that really fakey tiger sound means it’s time for the Question of the Day.

[ tiger roars ]

Jessica: Okay, today’s question is what drink would you buy for your favorite star and why?

Sara: Oh, my God. I would buy a Mountain Dew for James Van Der Beek ’cause I want to do him!

[ audience, girls laugh ]

Sissy: I would buy a Dr. Pepper for Scott Speedman, because I want him to examine me.

[ All scream ]

Gladys: I’d buy a bottle of Drano for Neil Patrick Harris, so we could both drink it and live in Heaven forever!

[ audience laughs, girls look at her ]

[ siren blares ]

Jessica: Uh-oh! The sound of that oddly chosen French police siren means it’s time for out segment called “Today’s Future Stars.”[ giggles ] Today’s future star is super hunktastic, Justin Thomas Nicholas! [ bounces on sofa ]

[ picture of a baby is shown ]

Girls: Aw, he’s adorable. I can’t believe how cute he is….

Sissy: Nine-month old Justin is an international singing megastar and recently completed his third album [ holds up three fingers ] featuring remixes of his European hits Boobies Equal Life, Crib Shuffle, and I Want To Give It To You Hard.

[ all scream ]

Sissy: Okay, you guys. He just signed a deal with Dreamworks to do a a miniseries loosely based on his life co-starring Hume Cronyn and Seth Green!

[ all squeal ]

Jessica: [ bounces ] Oooh-ooh! Speaking of which, we have a very special guest with us!

Sara: Oh, my God! Seth Green! Is he here?

Jessica: No, not S.G, but the man who manages him and the hottest teens in the biz. From the management firm of Coach, Balls, and Cockenboldt, please welcome Renee Aupens!

All: [ bounce on sofa ] yell: Renee!Renee! [ clamor around him ]

Jessica: Welcome Mr. Aupens!

Sissy: Renee!

Renee: Do me a favor, call me Renee alright?

Sara: Renee, you work with some of the hottest hunks in Hollywood!

Sissy: You do! Can I ask you? What’s it..What’s it like to work with Seth Green?

All: Oh, My God!

Sissy: AH! He’s so cute!

Renee: Oh, Greeny’s a gas. You know what I mean? Sometimes he’ll come to my ranch and make Gardenburgers and get silly. Other times, you know, we’re sad. Why don’t you ask? Ask him, is what I’m saying. [ points to wings ]

Jessica: Oh, my God! Is he here?

All: He’s here? Oh, my God!

Renee: Ask him. He’s here. He’s here. In fact, a few of my clients are here. Oh, boys!

[ Seth, Howie and David walk on ]

[ girls scream ]

Renee: Stop it. Stop it. Hold your ponies, gals.

David Boreanaz: [ blows kisses at Gladys ]

Renee: Ladies, feast your eyes on a stable on hunkasauruses. From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a two-pack tasty dream cakes who I’d like to give both of them a nude hug. Masters David Boreanaz and fresh face Seth Green!

Girls: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Renee: From the Backstreet Boys, who wouldn’t like to drive a hard little car up his backstreet? Oh! Howie D! These are my three talented dreamboats!

All: Oh, Howie D!

Sara: [ laughs ] Ok, so hunks, what’s it like to be managed by Renee?

David Boreanaz: Well, you know, he’s very….he’s good. Wouldn’t you guys say he’s good? Huh?

Seth Green: Yeah, he’s very…aggressive.

Howie Dorough: Right, I mean he’s definately a shock on the phone, but I really don’t like being alone in a room with him.

David Boreanaz: He’s a real [ tisk tisk ] hands-on manager.

Seth Green: A little too hands on.

Howie Dorough: Yeah, in fact I wish he’d be a little more hands-off.

Renee: Well, well, what can I say? This is my coven of cuties here I’m talking about. Coven of cuties.

Sissy: What a dream is must be to work with so many hunkasauruses.[ giggles ]

Jessica: [ bounces ] Uh-huh

[ chainsaw revs ]

Jessica: Uh-oh! That completely inappropiate chainsaw sound means we’re out of time. We’ll see you next time on…

All: Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show!

[ Jessica and Gladys jump on David ]

[ Sissy and Sara jump on Seth ]

Submitted by: Bri of sarah.mygirls.org for Sarah-Michelle-Gellar.com

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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