Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 17
Karen Hopkins…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
John Hopkins…..Chris Parnell
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Jim Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan
Laura Zimmerman: [ pouring a glass of tea ] Honey, do we really have to rent this place? I love it.
JIm Zimmerman: Oh, honey,come on. It’s just for the summer, okay? We’ll be back next year. [ kiss ] Ok, promise? [ knock at the door ]
Laura Zimmerman: Ok, that must be the Hopkins. Come on in! [ John and Karen come in ]
Laura Zimmerman: Hi.
John Hopkins: Hey, I’m John. This is my wife Karen. [ points to her ]
Laura Zimmerman: Hi, hi, Karen.
Karen Hopkins: Hi, it’s really beautiful up here.
Jim Zimmerman: [ shakes hands ] I’m sorry, I’m Jim and this is my better half, Laura.
Laura Zimmerman: [ laughs ] Oh, really? Oh, what half is that?
Jim Zimmerman: What do you mean by that?
Laura Zimmerman: Is it the front half you like better or the back half? [ twists back and forth ]
Jim Zimmerman: Gimme that front, gimme that back.. [ continues while she twists back and forth ]
John Hopkins: Well, I see..uh, the deer isn’t the only one who’s horny in this cabin.
Jim Zimmerman: Jim, it’s a nice family community up here. Take it easy.
Karen Hopkins: So, Laura, does it get really buggy up in here in the summertime?
Laura Zimmerman: Uh-oh, I think I just got bit. [ Jim applies repellent ] Put more up there. Put more. I need more. It really itches.. Ooh, that’s a big stinger! That one’s gonna swell.. You give me that stinger!
Jim Zimmerman: [ comes over and seperates them ] Make way for the Orkin man! He’d like to see the rest of the house.
Karen Hopkins: You know honey, I’d like to get stung like that sometime. [ sidles up against him ]
John Hopkins: Honey, hush. So, Jim, how’s the fishing up here?
John Hopkins: Oh, are you kidding? Bear Lake is stocked with some of the fin-
Jim Zimmerman: There’s one animal I don’t mind going after. That pesky little beaver.
Laura Zimmerman: [ sighs and looks up ] You do, do ya?
Karen Hopkins: What’s so bad about the beaver?
Jim Zimmerman: They piss me off. They like to build big… strong….dams… I’m going to mount that beaver. I’m going to shoot that beaver and mount it on the wall. [ points to the wall ]
Laura Zimmerman: Mount it! Mount it now!
John Hopkins: Come on, I thought we are adults here. I haven’t heard a woman’s you-know-what called that since high school.
Jim Zimmerman: We’re talking about beavers, buddy. You know, the animal? I don’t know what one you’re talking about.
Laura Zimmerman: Wanna play rough in the woods? [ shoves John ]
John Hopkins: Yeah, I’ll play rough in the woods.
Laura Zimmerman: Oooh, I like it from the lady. [ slaps Karen ]
Karen Hopkins: How about that?! [ slaps her on the butt ]
John Hopkins: Okay..is this what you want? [ pulls down his pants ]
Jim Zimmerman: What is that some old vanilla Tootsie Roll? Oh, my God!!!
Karen Hopkins: Oh, my God! That’s what it looks like in the light?! [ her and Laura hug ]
Jim Zimmerman: [ shoves John up against the wall by his neck ] There’s family up here, you pervert!
Laura Zimmerman: Why don’t you take your little cocktail weenie and get the hell out of here!
Karen Hopkins: Oh, my God! You can walk, I’m taking the car, you pig! [ stalks out ]
Laura Zimmerman: [ runs into Jim’s arms ] Oh, my God, baby. I DON’T WANT TO RENT! I DON’T WANT TO RENT!
Submitted by: Bri of sarah.mygirls.org for Sarah-Michelle-Gellar.com