SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99: The Zimmermans


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 17

98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

The Zimmermans

Karen Hopkins…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
John Hopkins…..Chris Parnell
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Jim Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan

Laura Zimmerman: [ pouring a glass of tea ] Honey, do we really have to rent this place? I love it.

JIm Zimmerman: Oh, honey,come on. It’s just for the summer, okay? We’ll be back next year. [ kiss ] Ok, promise? [ knock at the door ]

Laura Zimmerman: Ok, that must be the Hopkins. Come on in! [ John and Karen come in ]

Laura Zimmerman: Hi.

John Hopkins: Hey, I’m John. This is my wife Karen. [ points to her ]

Laura Zimmerman: Hi, hi, Karen.

Karen Hopkins: Hi, it’s really beautiful up here.

Jim Zimmerman: [ shakes hands ] I’m sorry, I’m Jim and this is my better half, Laura.

Laura Zimmerman: [ laughs ] Oh, really? Oh, what half is that?

Jim Zimmerman: What do you mean by that?

Laura Zimmerman: Is it the front half you like better or the back half? [ twists back and forth ]

Jim Zimmerman: Gimme that front, gimme that back.. [ continues while she twists back and forth ]

John Hopkins: Well, I see..uh, the deer isn’t the only one who’s horny in this cabin.

Jim Zimmerman: Jim, it’s a nice family community up here. Take it easy.

Karen Hopkins: So, Laura, does it get really buggy up in here in the summertime?

Laura Zimmerman: Uh-oh, I think I just got bit. [ Jim applies repellent ] Put more up there. Put more. I need more. It really itches.. Ooh, that’s a big stinger! That one’s gonna swell.. You give me that stinger!

Jim Zimmerman: [ comes over and seperates them ] Make way for the Orkin man! He’d like to see the rest of the house.

Karen Hopkins: You know honey, I’d like to get stung like that sometime. [ sidles up against him ]

John Hopkins: Honey, hush. So, Jim, how’s the fishing up here?

John Hopkins: Oh, are you kidding? Bear Lake is stocked with some of the fin-

Jim Zimmerman: There’s one animal I don’t mind going after. That pesky little beaver.

Laura Zimmerman: [ sighs and looks up ] You do, do ya?

Karen Hopkins: What’s so bad about the beaver?

Jim Zimmerman: They piss me off. They like to build big… strong….dams… I’m going to mount that beaver. I’m going to shoot that beaver and mount it on the wall. [ points to the wall ]

Laura Zimmerman: Mount it! Mount it now!

John Hopkins: Come on, I thought we are adults here. I haven’t heard a woman’s you-know-what called that since high school.

Jim Zimmerman: We’re talking about beavers, buddy. You know, the animal? I don’t know what one you’re talking about.

Laura Zimmerman: Wanna play rough in the woods? [ shoves John ]

John Hopkins: Yeah, I’ll play rough in the woods.

Laura Zimmerman: Oooh, I like it from the lady. [ slaps Karen ]

Karen Hopkins: How about that?! [ slaps her on the butt ]

John Hopkins: this what you want? [ pulls down his pants ]

Jim Zimmerman: What is that some old vanilla Tootsie Roll? Oh, my God!!!

Karen Hopkins: Oh, my God! That’s what it looks like in the light?! [ her and Laura hug ]

Jim Zimmerman: [ shoves John up against the wall by his neck ] There’s family up here, you pervert!

Laura Zimmerman: Why don’t you take your little cocktail weenie and get the hell out of here!

Karen Hopkins: Oh, my God! You can walk, I’m taking the car, you pig! [ stalks out ]

Laura Zimmerman: [ runs into Jim’s arms ] Oh, my God, baby. I DON’T WANT TO RENT! I DON’T WANT TO RENT!

Submitted by: Bri of for

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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