Fernando…..Bill Crystal

Fernando: Saludos, my darlings! I am so crazy going nuts to be back, I’m telling you. As always, my nipples are hard, because after 25 years of living la vida loca, I still look mahvelous! I do! And I gotta tell you, darlings, some of you do, too. And you know who you are!

This is such a celebrity-infested night. I look around and I see so many greats. Look at this guy, look.

[ show Steve Martin ]

Phil Donahue. I gotta tell you. Say hi to Marlo, and I miss the phone calls when I would make believe I was somebody, and get you confused on the show. It’s so fabulous to see you. Who else is here? You see a lot of guests, look.

[ show Chris Rock ]

Eddie! Eddie, they said you weren’t coming, but you should be here, because when you did the Alfalfa, with the people going crazy going nuts, we all went nuts. But, darlings, some of the superstars here tonight, I look around the room, some of the beautiful people. I see a beautiful star right here – Miss Susan Sarandon.

[ show Susan Sarandon ]

But Susan here, you’re such a mahvelous actress. You make a non-sexy in a movie, that’s so hard to do. But you torture me tonight, darling, with the shawl and the high neck. On a cold night, like.. oh! Because you always look like they’re coming towards you like two puppies going for the chow. Do you know what I’m saying? They always look mahv-

[ show Gary Busey in the audience ]

Gary Busey! You’re alive! I cannot believe that you are alive! I’m so happy for you, but I lost ten bucks! I can’t believe that! Oh, that swings the whole pool! You have no lines, Gary, but it’s so great to see you. No, I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.. [ Gary stands comically menacingly ] No, sit down! Oh, look, the second coming! I mean, no, when you played the Buddy Jolly, everybody thought you were mahvelous, with the Academy Award.. Who else is here? Look at this. Look who’s up there.

[ show Glenn Close ]

Glenn Close. And I wish I was. Let me tell you something, darling, you look fabulous in a dress from the Geoff Chandler collection. But, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: if Helen Hayes is dead, and I believe she is, you are the First Lady of the American Theater. Now, I’m not kidding you, you are. Look who else is here. I am crazy going nuts!

[ show Susan St. James ]

It’s Susan St. James. Am I right? Is that you? It’s Susan! Let me tel you something. You are my favorite Charlie’s Angel, you are. Because you know why, darling? Because you are the smart one. And it’s a – Oh, God. I’ve got to leave the stage, look who’s here. I cannot believe this, I’m crazy going nuts!

[ Fernando walks over to where David Cone and David Wells are seated ]

Well, if it isn’t Mr. and Mr. Perfect. Look at this. David Cone and.. help me with that name.. David Wells, David Cone, New York Yankees, perfect game. But I’ve got to tlel you something, darlings. Can I sit on your lap just a second? [ sits ] This is from a baseball fan. I went to those perfect games, and I gotta tell you something. Nothing happens. There’s not a jit, there’s not a jomer, nothing. It’s a little boring. Now, you two guys owe something to the fans to have more exciting games than these games where nobody gets a hit and nobody get on. It’s boring! I sit there and go, “What the hell is this?” And I’m a Jankees fan, I’m a big Jankees fan. Tom Janks and I are big Jankees fan. And there’s a bone I have to pick with you, and apparently you’ve been picking some bones yourslf, look at you! I kid you, I’m a kidder! We miss you, we miss you here, David.

[ Fernando returns to the stage ]

Wait! Oh!

[ show Damnny DeVito in the audience ]

There is Danny DeVito. Hello, darling. Danny, we go back a long time. You are a good friend of mine, you are a little Pokemon, you are. No, I mean that! I want to find you in a Happy Meal and trade you with my friends. That’s how much I love to you.

[ sits ]

Oh, darlings, I gotta tell you. I love being back here, and like Errol Flynn used to say about love: Who cares if she’s 15? You know what I’m saying to you? That’s what he used to say.

[ Stage Manager Joe Dicso gives Fernando the signal to wrap things up ]

What is this? Oh, look at this, Joe Dicso – look at this. What are you telling me, that I need a tuck or a trim? No, he’s telling me that we have to go. But let me tell you something, darlings. As I’ve always said, it’s better to look good than to feel good. And now, let’s take a look at some clips, when we all looked mmmmuch younger. Ciao! I’ve got to mambo!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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