TV Funhouse


TV Funhouse

[ Lorne Michaels walks onstage at SNL’s 25th Anniversary special ]

Lorne Michaels: Hi. I’m Lorne Michaels.

[ presses “Applause” button on remote control, forcing applause from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control, eliciting a standing ovation ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Thank you.

[ presses “Misty Eye” button on remote control, eliciting tears from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Really. [ applause quiets ] You know, I think it was when John and Danny were coming into their own, and Chevy came back to host, that the show really had that thing of “Are we a hit? Now is a-“

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ] [ cut back to Lorne finishing his speech ]

Lorne Michaels: ..and now Jimmy Fallon is hot, and that’s the show!

[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control to awake his sleeping audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses “Ejecto Magnet” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler flying into his arms for a hug ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you, Mike. Adam, that’s really not necessary. Thank you both.

[ presses “Release” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler running back into the audience ]

Lorne Michaels: We’ve had a lot of fun tonight, but, as you know, “Saturday Night Live” isn’t just about glitzy guests and fabulous outfits and glamorous parties. It’s also about merchandising. No self-congratulatory celebration would be complete without a nod to the hot new line of “SNL” anniversary gear you’ll be hearing about in loud commercials during the 2 AM Jay Leno show.

[ Lorne holds up first product ]

Lorne Michaels: First, Conehead Suppositories. Beldar and his family are anything but regular, but why shouldn’t you be?

[ Lorne holds out next product ]

Lorne Michaels: Here’s the Dennis Miller Squeeze-Me Doll.

[ Lorne squeezes the doll ]

Dennis Miller Squee-Me Doll: And what about the people who transverse the entire Gatston Purchase with their f–king turn-signal off? What do you think that clicking sound is, Assface?!

[ Lorne holds out last product ]

Lorne Michaels: And, finally, Chico Escuela’s Berry Berry Good Orange Drink. I was in St. Bart’s when they approved this one.

And if that’s not enough, here’s a few quick clips from the 45th Anniversary show, available on VHS.

[ cut to futuristic clip of heavyset Wayne and Garth ]

Wayne & Garth: We’re not.. worthy! Sch..wing!

[ cut to futuristic clip of wrinkly Paul Simon singing ]

“Still crazy after all these yearrrrrsss..”

[ cut to futuristic clip of elderly Lorne Michaels wearing tissue boxes for shoes ]

Lorne Michaels: And I think it was when Chevy first did Ford that –

[ Lorne is zapped by lightning ] [ cut back to present-day Lorne Michaels addressing his present-day audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Yes, the “SNL” anniversary is the talk of the town, and the hottest ticket. Everyone wants a seat to this show. The only hard part is whom to choose. [ bites pinky finger ] [ singing ]

“So many performers
all deserving, you’ll agree
But someone has to seal their fate
I suppose.. it.. should.. be.. me!

Let’s put Steve and Billy in the front
with Molly in between!
Michael Hall and Terry Sweeney
feel like Row 14!

For Victoria and Garrett,
Row 9 should do!
Let’s put Gwyneth in Row 1
and the Paltrows in Row 2!

For Jon it’s tough to pick it
but I think Row 8’s the ticket!

Now, let’s balcony the cast
from the years I was away!
Could we possibly booth the Green Room
for Andrew “Dice” Clay?

Robin Duke and Gary Kroeger
can have a pleasant chat
Seated 20 rows behind
Eddie Murphy and his ca-a-a-a-attt!”

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ] [ cut back to Lorne putting the finishing touches on his act ]

Lorne Michaels:
“‘Cause it’s.. my… sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwww!!”

[ a la Bugs Bunny cartoon, Jon Lovitz holds Lorne to as high a note as possible, until the room caves in over him ]

Jon Lovitz: [ walks past, chewing on carrot ] Yeah, that’s the ticket!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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