Nick the Lounge Singer


Nick the Lounge Singer

Nick Thinblood…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
Niece Natasha…..Laraine Newman


[ open on Paul Shaffer pounding the keys of his piano at the opening of the Omagawli Casino ]

Nick Thinblood V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. the Entertainment Division of the Omagawli Nation proudly welcomes you to the opening of its Exhibition Hall/Antique Car Show/Moving Casino! We’re proud to introduce to you, without reservation, our host for the festivities for this evening, Mr. Nick Thinblood!

[ Nick Thinblood steps out ]

Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]“Omagawli people!
Omagawli tribe
So proud to win
So proud to double-down and let it ri-ide!”

Pinch me, somebody, yeah! What a hot night, thank you! Thank you! 7-come-11, we’re gonna have a hot time tonight! I’m Nick Thinblood – originally Nick Ansara, but I changed my name to the Omagawli Thinblood when I found I was 1/256th Omagawli. Which cuts me in on the Friends and Family profit-sharing, which we’re all crazy about! Hey! Are we gonna tear this place up tonight, Paul, or what?

Paul Shaffer: Yes, we are.

Nick Thinblood: You know, the Omagawli have been in this valley for 7,000 years – or maybe it just seems that way! And they’ve always been a gambling nation. Always been a gambler. They took a chance on the white man. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! That may not heal everything, but this is finally one red nation that’s gonna get into the black. What a glittery, glittery night we’ve got here for the Omagawli..

[ walks amongst the audience ]

Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, celebrities, celbrities.. [ points to Jerry Seinfeld ] I know you! You’re.. uh.. you’re great, I love you, you’re fantastic! [ points to Cheri Oteri ] Oh, and you, when you do your thing and you fluff it up, that’s great, I love that!

[ points to Michael Douglas in the audience ]

Oh! I am such a huge fan.. of your father! Would you say hi to for me, because I really love him..

[ points to Catherine Zeta-Jones ]

Mrs. Zorro! Oh, God! [ to celebrity sitting next to her ] Excuse me.. excuse me, I’m light! [ sits down to talk to Zeta-Jones ] Oh, my God! And you have that great name! Jones! That’s great! Ah.. [ singing ] “Me and.. Cathy.. Zeta.. Zita?” Is it Zeta or Zita? Zeta? [ singing ] “Zeta, Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones!” [ mimes fencing ] On guard! Hey, nice outfit, muchas gracias. Would you give my regards to Mr. Don Diego del a Vega for me? Thank you very much!

[ Nick makes his way through the audience to get back ot the stage, but stops when he sees Drew Barrymore ]

Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, look at the profile on this one. Runs in the family, huh? [ to the stage ] Could you turn off my mike for one second? [ kneels in front of Drew ] We’re so glad you cleaned up! [ to the stage ] Mike back on! Mike back on! [ to Drew ] I’d like to dedicate something for you.. [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.. please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.. I know that you’re gonna have it your weay or nothing at all.. but I think you’re moving too fast!” You take, little Precious, okay?

[ Nick returns to the main stage as entrance music pots up ]

Nick Thinblood: Oh, excuse me! I’d like to give an introduction to somebody who needs an introduction, because.. all of you are celebrities, but none of you are a chief. And, quickly – a chief does not receive a standing ovation. Uh.. this man is a visionary, he’s a seer.. he’s a developer, a contractor to the Notary Republic. Please welcome the ??Tuti Koppel?? of the Omagawli, Mr. Jimmy Joe Red Sky. Chief Red Sky!

[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky enters stage with his Niece ]

Nick Thinblood: Good eveing, Chief. And who is this lovely young maiden.

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Oh, this is my lovely niece, Natasha Metzer.

Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God.. Jimmy Joe is like the Donald Trump of the Omagawli nation, is that right?

Niece Natasha: Donald Trump, ha! New money. You know, he’s got a couple of buildings, he knows Butkus. You know, Jimmy Joe’s great uncle, he used to own all of Manhatten and the five bouroughs.

Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ]

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: They lost it all on a lacrosse game, but it’s a great night tonight. And I want to thank our local congressman, Chris Dodd, for giving us that lovely freeway off-ramp which got everybody to the casino in record time tonight!

Niece Natasha: Go ahead, honey, tell them why.

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, we got that off-ramp because, I’m proud to say, the Omagawli tribe was provided with the opportunity to underwrite the government funding for the entire Kosovo War!

Nick Thinblood: Oh, that’s great! Leave it to the Omagawli to still trust the white man. I love that! Hey, Chris Dodd, too, how about that? Hey, have you had any luck here this opening week, Chief?

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, Nick, you tend to have a good bit of luck when you own the asino.

Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ] I love it! you two have a great time tonight at the Cheyenne Suite!

[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky and his Niece exit the stage ]

Nick Thinblood: So special. So special. Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. [ walks up to Garrett Morris in the audience ] Here’s that Standing O you’ve all been waiting for – one of the original “Saturday Night Live” guys, Mr. Garrett Morris, everybody! [ the audience stands and applauses ] It’s all for you, G-Man! [ quiets the audience down ] I’ve got to continue! I have to finish here! Please! What’s opening night doing for you, Garrett?

Garrett Morris: Uh.. blackjack tables bin berry berry good to me!

Nick Thinblood: Alright! Alright! You know, you “SNL” guys are having your own party tonight. 25-year anniversary, how about that, huh?

Garrett Morris: Yeah, Nick, you know what? I bet this show is gonna go on for another 25 years.

Nick Thinblood: Oh, say Amen to that, man.

Garrett Morris: Amen! Amen! Halleluah!

Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]“In the year 2525
if network television can survive
and if Lorne Michaels is still alive
there will be a “Saturday Night Live”.”

Garrett Morris: Hey.. hey.. lookie here, you know what? That was better than the original!

Nick Thinblood: Oh, you’re too kind, Soul Man! You know, it occurs to me that “SNL” and the Omagawli have something in common. I mean, at one time we were both very culturally important, and then trashed, and then on the bottom, spat upon, and now rising again like a phoenix in the ashes. I don’t think it matters what people out there think, I think it means a lot what happens.. [ taps his chest ] ..in here. You know what I’m saying? Right in here.

[ returns to stage, singing “Badlands” ]

“For the ones who had a notion,
A notion deep inside,
That it ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive
I wanna find one face that ain’t looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands!”

Garrett! Help me with a pause for the cause, Garrett Morris!

[ Garrett appears in an oval on the left side of the screen ]

Garrett Morris: Sure!

Nick Thinblood: A little something for the hearing-impaired, would you mind?

Garrett Morris: Sure, Nick, right on, man!

Nick Thinblood: Live..!

Garrett Morris: Live..!

Nick Thinblood: ..from New York..!

Garrett Morris: ..from New York..!

Nick Thinblood: ..it’s Saturday Night!

Garrett Morris: ..it’s Saturday Ni-ight!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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